AYOKO NA TALAGA.
I mean, di ko na gets eh.
The whole day today, I don’t know if she was not in the mood again or she was sort of avoiding me? I think this is the most time we passed one another coincidentally in my three months in the school. This time she didn’t even smile, so I didn’t smile. She didn’t greet, so I didn’t greet (okay, there was a time I did and just because I want to assure her nothing’s wrong with me). I even seated on the table where I knew she was seated during lunch because I wanted to chat even a bit. We did, but weee bit. Like she glanced my way because she didn’t have a choice and didn’t want to be rude. There were so many moments she normally would have made-kulit, but she didn’t. Last Friday was still a bit better, today was just awkward. SERIOUSLY. There was even a moment when we had to take a picture and there was obviously a spot next to me but she said she was looking for a spot, a good one of course, but she didn’t have a choice and just stood beside me. Like it would kill her! Okay, so she got her arms around me, but that didn’t feel good one bit.
Whenever I’d be alone I’d have a dialogue asking the heavens what the F is wrong with her, or our situation suddenly. I thought we were fine already.
Maybe it’s just me being sensitive about this day as my morning did not start right, I was so busy with work and then there’s her. I could brush off that effing morning and the busy Monday, but I can’t easily set aside the feeling of my heart doing somersaults just hearing her voice. Putangina kasi pwedeng pa-soundproof yung walls?! Pwede management? Pwede lang?
I can’t with this right now. I wanna be the best teacher I could be in this new work, but she’s distracting me so much. Of course it’s not her fault, but guuuuuuuuuuuuh it’s me. BLURGH CLICHE EEW.
Anyway, after that blasted last monologue with thin air in the toilet, I went back to the room saw her walking to our room. She went straight to that little rest area we have in the room and rested there. She was just there. I absentmindedly brought my kikaybag to my room (which I kept in my locker), so when I was heading to the door, she asked “where are you going?”, then I went out. I wanted to escape, seriously. At the same time, my ridiculous self hasten in tracked, tricked a co-teacher to wash my cup and headed back as fast as I can to the room. We were alone. So I asked what’s wrong, maybe she could tell me honestly if I did something wrong or whatever. She didn’t admit to anything, but she looked really exhausted. I think she was down for some reason. Nonetheless, the fact that we sort of got into a short conversation about smoking (because I wanted to smoke but I didn’t have a stick fuck and she was inviting me for one) was a long shot from how we were the whole morning. Of course when a student came, she went out.
Nonetheless, she said goodbye before leaving which was an improvement from last Friday.
I’m not hoping for anything beyond camaraderie from this point. I just want to have a comfortable work life. I want to be friends with everybody, nothing else. I’ve had enough awkwardness in three months, please.
Let’s hope tomorrow is better.
Do hope that this would be the last post about her.
Frankly, I’m getting sick of talking about this.