Let me quit

I’d love to finally, finally quit smoking.

It’s been over a year since I started lessening my intake of nicotine and bravely choosing to stay clean even with the presence of a friend smoking one. Ever since I found myself loosing interest in smoking (yes, interest), I’ve cut down my intake from at least three sticks a day to zero. Quite an achievement, right? It is! Of course I indulge myself with a stick every now and then (especially with my best friend/s), but on normal days, even the working ones, I don’t find myself craving for one.

Until something happened.

These days, I find myself smoking more than what I’ve limited myself of. Last week I bought a half pack (10 sticks) and finished it yesterday. This morning, I bought a full pack (20 sticks)! My excuse is there are some very stressful days and I’m lacking quality sleep nowadays which make me sleepy in the morning at work. Moreover, I find smoking after work feels really good. I used to smoke after work when I was in Ortigas, but that was more of a routine and not because it ever really relaxed me.

Actually, one of the reasons I kinda quit smoking is because it’s not really delivering to what it should be for. Nicotine’s effect often, like caffeine, is a placebo effect. However, the stress build up at work (forgetting her and amount of work) makes me cling to the stick. To be honest, I think there’s another reason. I bigger one.

I’ve never smoked with my co-teachers until that day I had dinner with them. I was so full and smoking helped my digestion. Of course, that was also my first time to semi-bond with crush. So in retrospect, the reason I’m clinging to smoking so much is because it has brought me good things in the past, and I think I’m unconsciously expecting for the same thing to happen soon through the help of a cigarette. I catch myself wishing that we’d have an alone time smoking and sharing stories.

I knooooooooooooooooooooow. *sigh* It’s ridiculous, right?

So what do I do with the full pack? Well, I just sealed it up for now. I think I’d be smoking for quite a while until I finish it. Cigarettes are expensive after all, I can’t just throw it away. I can give it away though.

Anyhow, I plan to go back to being a social smoker very soon and just quit it eventually.

I’d be over that. I will.

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