Recently, I’ve felt that life in school has been a bit bland. Of course I’m having a lot of fun with my co-teachers and the work itself isn’t so bad, but when things have fallen into a steady stream, I can’t help but crave for something that will (kinda) make my heart leap from time to time.
(Un)fortunately, I don’t feel any fleeting flutter of the heart whenever crush is there. Somehow, it was decided that our current lunch seat is permanent, so she’s been seated across from me for a while now. If I still liked her, all her efforts of impressing me would have been a big deal to my fantasy; if it was still that time that I assumed wrongly even her obnoxious jokes would have been funny; if it was me a few months ago, her choosing to settle herself on my table (despite other prettier teachers vacant of any company), or getting a ride on her car, or touching her arms…everything would have made a great deal of stress on my heart and mind.
All those things I felt I needed to hold back saying and doing, I can do them now with a great amount of patience and welcoming on her part. I appreciate it, of course, I just can’t help but seek for the thrill of liking her before.
I guess I just miss that experience of liking somebody, no matter how much of a stress that was, I miss it. I miss the feeling of looking forward to tomorrow or even Monday just so I can see her. I miss the slight skip of my heart whenever I hear her voice through the thin walls of our school. I miss wondering why the universe has transpired to have her the first person that smiles and greet me at school no matter how bad the world started.
If this was a shojou manga, she would know about my blog, read about my feelings, how I lost it, and how I miss her now. She would realize that I’m not ignoring her nor do I hate her, and I want her attention again. She would reply to this blog and we’ll communicate more.
This is what shojou manga does to my heart. *sigh*