The year 2014 has certainly been a year of change.
For myself who has always been reluctant of change, I embraced this concept with an open mind, and partially with a smug face saying, “challenge accepted”. What I don’t like about change is that I know very well how difficult it is to start over again: the confusion, reorganizing, finding your place in the new space, getting acquainted then familiarizing; they all take so much time and energy. Isn’t it that the reason we try so hard to find a place where we belong is because we want to cocoon ourselves in a reality that functions for us? Yet, probably, we are not the arbiter of our lives.
With such bad memories of 2013, I decided that I’ll make 2014 different. I’ll embrace the changes and work with what I’m given. From my family’s battle with Tita’s cancer, and to me starting with another job, in an entirely different environment from what I’m comfortable with, these events were a start. Probably to move my life forward? I even said goodbye to my old blog to start this very one you’re reading because I wanted to start over again (although I restarted that blog again since there are old things we can’t ever leave behind. I’ll always be a fangirl through and through). I started biking not only for leisure, but for practical purposes too. I have began to work with kids despite my hesitation to ever be their teacher years back. I wear dresses to work and when going out now. I’ve even started using red matte lipstick! I had really strong crush on a girl (after a long time), and this December I started chatting online! Chatting is something I don’t do, especially with strangers! Well, I do need to do something if I want to find somebody special. With two of my friends having the luck of meeting their special someone online, maybe I gotta lower my barriers a bit and change my views about people flirting with me. Damn trust issue and low self-esteem?
I’ve been so full of pride I overlooked my insecurities there whoa. Anyhow, I’ve found a whole different me when I started embracing my sexuality and femininity. I don’t know why I’ve been adamant with them for so long when it’s so liberating!
On the other hand, I’m sad that my Tita Marie cannot welcome 2015 with us anymore. It was a great battle that lasted more than a year, and I couldn’t be more thankful that we had ample time to spend with her. We all knew that it was borrowed time, and when it was time’s up, she didn’t have any difficulty. I just wished I saw her one last time to properly say goodbye. I don’t know if the kind of heaven in my head is where she is now, but I hope she’s watching over us, happy and content finally.
Speaking of good things, I was blessed with new, really great friends and allies this year. My co-teachers: Anna, Barbie, and Dani are the kind of friends I’d like to keep close until many years have passed. It’s always such fun being with them, and I’m just so thankful that I was able to forge a strong bond with them. After months of feeling misplaced in that school, with the work and culture-wise, they made me feel welcomed. Despite the challenges (getting worse and more difficult as months pass), these girls, including the other teachers whom I had judged too soon, are the reasons I go to work. Although I’m also thinking that I can’t go on working only for the company I’m with. I have to get myself together and start improving myself for the work.
So, for the next 365 days, I would try as best as I can to summon out a better version of myself. Yeah, I know it sounds cliché, but I think I’ve never thought of actually making a better version of myself. I thought the me now, is good enough, but that’s the damn ego talking. There’s a lot to improve about me, mentally, emotionally, and physically. To be fair, I think I’ve begun caring about how I look more and more, although I’m never trading comfort over fashion. Nope, sorry. I miss biking though, and I plan on putting my money to better use like enrolling myself to a boxing gym. I’ve always wanted to try that. Mentally, I have to be more patient and persevering. I have a tendency to leave something which I think i’m already good at. I’ve never even considered mastery. That makes me an idiot, right? Right. Aren’t I a conceited!
2014, you have been a better year compared to 2013, so thank you for that. I hope 2015 would give me more avenues to improve myself, my life, and to influence more people around me, for the good of course.
For those who have visited this humble nook of mine in the vast space of the world-wide web, it has been a pleasure sharing, exposing bits of my imperfect life. Thank you very much for being an audience. Take care and see you next year!