At peace

It’s been a year of new memories, experiences, and awakenings in my new job.

Last year was a milestone as I discovered what sexual awakening was about. I’ve read about these things, getting confused and flushed, and even ashamed and embarrassed at some point, but all was worth it.

It’s been months since I last mentioned about my girl crush, well, ex-girl crush. I don’t like her that way anymore, and I’m ever relieved of it. From the start, I knew there’s not gonna be an us, but we can be friends, good friends.

The period came when I realized, she’s just a co-teacher now, no special feelings and I should be relieved. However, the way I was always awkward of her presence, despite her lambing, the small acts of her saying that she misses me as lunch-mate or having to joke around each other which I’ve brushed off as being overly clingy. It’s her personality anyway. I’ve been self-centered all this while, and I was blind to realize that she probably wanted to be a good friend to me as well. Despite my efforts to conceal my feelings from a person, or even from myself, I think I’ve never perfected this act. Perhaps, during those times, she also felt that I wasn’t comfortable with her, so we went civil with each other: automatic smiles on the hallway, awkward nano-talks (it’s that fast), and communicating when needed (usually if there’s a need to confirm something, or problem with our printer, or about books). Stereotypical co-workers.

Lately, things have been better. I’m not sure if I’m just in a good mood these months despite the storm of classes (full-time and part-time), and I have a better schedule now with Friday as the end of the workweek (weekends serving as day off in its fullest sense), but things between us have been pleasant.

I don’t feel awkward with her anymore. I can joke and laugh a lot around her or at her (they say I’m bully, psh) and I feel that she’s also like that to me. Being the sensitive person she is, I think she was just waiting for me to break my walls. I didn’t even notice I’ve had them.

When the memory of that great afternoon over lunch being friendly and comfortable with each other, until we said goodbye, flashed in my head as I was heading home, it dawned on me: this is what it feels to be at peace.

I’m over the office heartbreak, I smiled inwardly while soft music and a gentle breeze guided me home.

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