A leap

How do you know if an event is brought on by destiny, or something we just want to assume was brought on by destiny? We assume something to be a cosmic occurrence because it’s a fantasy coming true knocking on your door, and you’re scared of knowing you’re making a mistake of labeling the feelings that comes with it.

What if it’s just life’s small glitch that you’re supposed to ignore and move on with your life? But, what if it’s a glitch that’s signaling something big?

I’ll never know until I try to find out, right?

Alright. Here’s the deal.

I had a crush on this guy when I was in uni. He was a PE classmate from another program. He was cute, like a character out of a manga: bespectacled, shy smile, lanky, quite friendly, looks nerdy, speaks slowly (this is a plus plus for uniqueness). He’s the guy most girls would miss in a field of men, but your eyes would linger on him since he’s so different from the rest. I’ve heard girls giggling over his cuteness actually.

Now, I never got to know this boy. I’ve talked to him a few times over the course of that year we were in the same PE class, but he remained untouched and perfect in my mind for we never became friends. I froze whenever he and his friends pass the hallway; my train of thoughts halted if he’s within my vicinity. Basically, I get petrified whenever he’s in sight. Well, aren’t we all shushed and awed at the sight of something we deem “perfect”?

Anyway, since I’ve never ever confessed to my crushes before, for my theme CHANGE last year, I wanted to change that series of concealing my feelings. I thought, if there’s anybody to confess to, it’s gonna be him. My previous crushes became good friends, so it might turn awkward if I suddenly blurt it out of the blue. We’re basically strangers to each other, so what’s to lose, right? Moreover, if he’s a character out of a manga, then I’ll be the girl that confesses him.

So at the beginning of January 2015, I sent him a message over Facebook, exposing my thoughts of him, expressing gratefulness over making my uni days exciting and giggly, and expecting nothing in return. I just wanted him to know that there was someone in school whom he made happy just by his mere presence. Of course, I told him that my decision was brought about by desire to change a part of my life and making him part of that change, but he didn’t necessarily have to be active in it.

I left the message there in the FB chat and thinking that he won’t be able to read it, I had to add him to my contacts. For the next days, I opened my account with shaky hands and at the back of my mind, expecting to either be ignored or replied with a “thank you”. However, in the months to follow, he neither read or accepted my invitation. In the months to follow, I eventually settled to the fact that nothing’s gonna happen and I can move on from that episode.

Came two Sundays ago, I suddenly got a notification that he accepted my invitation to be my FB contact (well, along with three more people). Instantly, I thought of my message and that it was finally read. However, going back to the message, he never touched it. It’s been a year anyway, my friend said that it might’ve been sent at the very back of his notifications. What’s the use of reading a message sent a year ago anyway? I understand that.

But then, am I okay with this? Finally, here’s the chance to finally talk to him, to get to know him by being connected (albeit virtually), am I gonna risk my perfect image of him in my head? What if I get rejected? Am I gonna subject myself to another bout of expectation? As if I don’t have enough on my head right now! *sigh* Well, what’s my problem anyway? I thought I can just shrug it off, but honestly, I really wanna find out if I can do something to connect. The fantasy is great, but these days I’m getting more consumed by the curiosity.

Am I nearing a conclusion? Yes. I’m thinking of re-sending the message. Since we’re connected now, I would know if he has really read it or not. I could finally get my answer (I’m expecting to be rejected, yep, not expecting the good to avoid the hurt) and move on for good. I’m sure ten years is enough for a fantasy of a single person. My friend said I needed closure, and closure I would get.

Am I really gonna do this? Yes. Well, I’ll try to think it over again first tonight. Anyway, WISH ME LUCK!

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