Day 143: 05.24.17

Detach, detach, detach.

That’s what I’m trying to command myself now, but I guess it’s too late to demand it just now.

The school year started with me just hoping to be a good teacher: one who is able to manage class fine, make instructional materials fine, and instruct fine. I didn’t pursue to be a great teacher, I was fine just learning the ropes and getting by.

We started with eight children, but now we are 15. Our class grew along with my attachment to these children.

I didn’t expect to care for the welfare of these children so much. I didn’t expect to be so analytical of their behavior just so we can help them feel comfortable and happy in class, and of course to aid what they need in every domain we can tap on as teachers. I didn’t expect to love the hugs, kisses, and even the oddity of my kids. I didn’t expect that I would miss them when they’re absent in class, even if in the previous days I was chasing them to clean up their mess, nagging on following the rules, and scolding them for being too noisy. I didn’t expect that I would be this attached to these group of little dinosaurs that made up our miniature Jurassic Park.

I didn’t expect that I would care so much, and would cry so much now that it’s really sinking in, that tomorrow is the last day of class.

Technically, it’s on Friday, but that’s already an event, and tomorrow is the last official day that we’ll have our usual schedule in the classroom; always a rollercoaster of emotions, but ultimately of love in our everyday classroom.

Today, I was sitting on the bench during outdoor play and witnessed how one of our students who would usually hit a peer when aggravated guided up his peer when the other fell on the pavement, and then even asked him if he was fine. These boys do not play often, but to see a picture of emphathy, I thought, ah, I’m seeing a new side of him. It’s probably a side of him I won’t see very often anymore and that was sad too.

Another student I talked to cried. When I asked him why, he said it’s because we only have 2 more days of school. He said he would miss playing with his friends, and he’ll miss the school. I comforted him by saying that he can always invite his friends to his house and a lot of them would be going to the big school he would soon. He said he didn’t like that school and would like to stay in our school for 500 more days. I reminded him of the time that he also didn’t like our school and refused to come inside, so it’s possible that it would be the same for him in his next school. But he just kept on crying, insisting that we have more days in school. I almost cried with him.

Another student gave me a thank you card, and I almost choked because of tears that wanted to come that time. But I was scolding another student too. The stark contrast in situation, believe it or not, I adore as well.

I received many hugs today, but I think I didn’t give as much. So tomorrow I will take my chance and really make them feel my love. Though gosh, I really hope to keep in the waterworks!

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