You don’t always have to be at the top to be at your best. – Edward John Barber, 2017
Today, I cried.
I cried for reasons I wasn’t even aware I needed to cry about.
I thought, I was handling the pain strongly and bravely, and to be fair, I think I was, but even strong and brave people get battered and hurt, fall down and cry after a while.
I wasn’t aware that I was hurting that badly, and I was trying to mask the frustration by telling myself words that I needed to hear, but I guess, I wasn’t completely convinced by it.
Today, I faced the problem.
I admitted to myself, the ugly truth of the issue. That there is an issue, and I had an issue.
I cried in the darkness and isolation of the world, on my bed, in the safety and secrecy of my room. The walls had been witnessed to all my ups and downs, especially the battles I’ve had with myself that I chose not to share to anyone except for those walls.
I guess, that’s not a very good choice.
However, this is my limitation in terms of sharing myself. At least, I hope, only as of now.
I’m still waiting for the day that I wouldn’t have such a hard time allowing myself to deal with these demons with someone.
I know I have very good friends who would be willing to comfort me, and for that, I am very very grateful, but for now, I’ll just keep that in mind.
I can still manage. I can manage on my own.
If only I can admit, at least to myself, honestly, all the things that I feel bad about, and I don’t have to always comfort myself with words that I have to say to make myself feel strong and stable. Sometimes, I have to allow myself–hopefully more often–that there are times, that things are not alright.
And that’s alright.
Things will eventually be alright.
So, thank you very much, Edward for those words.
I have to remind myself, that I don’t always have to wish that I am at the top to feel good about myself, I just have to focus to do my best where I am. Whether people recognize that or not, if I am happy with it, then so be it. There would be people bigger than me, better than me, but that doesn’t mean that I am not good where I am now. If I really love what I’m doing, then someone will love me for what I’m doing, too. No matter how many or small those people are. Even if there is none, continue to be happy as you are, Michelle.
Rule of thumb: don’t get attached. But be kind. Always, and strive it, always be kind.