Day 024 – 2018.24.01

Sleep is for the weak for people attending the last day of a wake. I’ve been up since 7 AM for work and went straight here.

Along the way, to kill time and avoid sleeping, my cousins and I had an intense game of unggoy-ungguyan. It’s a simple card game of finishing your deck of cards through getting pairs. To complete the pairs, you’d have to chance upon it from the player next to you by randomly picking a card from their deck without you seeing it. A player is bound to have one card without a pair as from the beginning of the game, one card is hidden which is the “monkey card”. So whoever gets the pair of the monkey card, loses.

Unfortunately, I was the monkey the second round. And my idea of putting lipstick on the monkey as punishment backfired on me.

Well. Not like I ever cared about image hahaha. So when my duty to buy groceries was needed, I basically dragged my younger bro and nephew who were also losers and lipstick-stained like moix, well, as they say: YOLO!

Day 022 – 2018.22.01

So, my brothers have left me with my dad in the funeral chapel. Which is okay, right Dad? We’re kind of used to this anyway. I mean, we have that bonding moment at the hospital and it was like this: me sitting a few feet away from him and him sleeping. Only this time he’s never gonna wake up nor ask me to annoy the service of nurses, etc.

Shit. It’s heart-breaking.

On the other hand, they need to fix my dad. I mean, he doesn’t look like him! He’s not gonna like this, not at all. My dad looks more handsome than that, okay?

Shit. (I’m gonna start crying.)

Anyhow.

Since I’m left alone to watch over him (it’s a strange tradition), I watched a movie to pass the time. Like, The Way He Looks, I discovered this movie through Youtube clips. I think it’s from a top five list of European gay coming-of-age movies. Yay for coming-of-age! Yay for gay movie! Yay for hot actors! And…. *drumroll* It’s Norwegian!

Seriously, after Skam, I wanted to hear more Norwegian in my life, so this is a feat. And I’m officially changing my NO to NEI. LOL

Anyway, the movie is titled The Man Who Fell In Love with Yngve. It revolves around the life of Jarle who is happily performing with his up and coming band with his best friend and a supportive, cool and beautiful girlfriend. Things change upon the arrival of the new kid, Yngve, whom he develops feelings for. He pursues him, but does so without thinking of others which results to neglecting his band, his friends, his girlfriend, and even his family.

So…verdict?

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This was a 2008 film, so it’s pretty old, and I like the toned-down colors, even if the weather seem to be bordering on depressing. I’m not sure how Norwegians can hangout like the chill of the snow doesn’t bother their asses, but okay. Haha! There’s a band, awkward romance, and a crazy, but lovable best friend, so this works out well for the rom-com genre. Although we kind of lose that spin by the second half of the movie when Jarle wakes up to his reality. I kind of appreciate that because even though I cringe for the mistakes of Jarle, his flaws make him all the more relatable, especially when you’re young, dumb, and broke. The wake up call might’ve been too much, but don’t we all hit a hard wall when we become too blind of our own desires?

Caution, caution, caution.

There’s plenty of pairings that can go on here. And even though there’s a gay angle to this, I can’t help but like Katerine too.  But of course, the way Yngve and Jarle stare at each other seriously reminded me of Isak and Even. Even the way they interacted from the start! There’s those daring, lingering stares and secret meetings that makes up their own little world. EMERGERD! Yngve looks like a prince, a beautiful blond doll, and Jarle looks a bit like a young Heath Ledger with ginger hair. There’s also the bromance boardering true love with the way Helge comes on to Jarle. Their first time meeting also reminds me of Isak and Even when they were smoking in the apartment and shared about their taste in music.

At some point, I began thinking if Skam was patterned after this show. But I guess not. *shrug* And apparently, it’s a book! Unfortunately, despite being multi-translated to different European languages, English is not one of them. It would be great to go through this story from Jarle’s point of view. I’d love to discover how he describes his infatuation with the beautiful Yngve.

All in all, it’s a good movie. Quite a sad ending, but quite satisfying too. Yngve and Jarle together would’ve been great too, but I think as characters, and realistically, they need personal fixing first, which I think the movie offered to the audience by the end of it.

4/5 🌟

DAY 021 – 2018.21.18

For some reason, I am very chatty today. Like, online-chatty.

As I’ve mentioned before, I’m not very good with chats, so I’m thinking of erasing OK Cupid for good in a few week’s time if nothing fruitful comes out of it.

Well, now I have a better technique in approaching chats which is to comment on their profiles. Like if there’s something there that intrigues me or if there’s a common denominator, it doesn’t make me so hesitant to reach out anymore.

Today, I’m kinda trolling someone. I mean, I feel kinda sorry for him, but he’s going the sexy way, I’m in a funeral, and it doesn’t click. Well, even without the funeral, I’m still not comfortable with it. So instead of giving him serious answers (that might excite him more the wrong way), I just go around with it. On the other hand, he confessed that he’s bi-curious! OMGGGG!!!

I was basically in fujoshi-mode when we were talking about that and cheering for him to make-out with his gay neighbor he wanted also in the first place. LOL.

I’m not a prude, but I just don’t find sexy, flirty talk a turn-on. I mean, there’s probably a certain level of comfort to the person I need for that to be a comfortable topic for me. Sorry, dude.

Day 020 – 2018.20.18

As I wanted to stay away from the heat of this day, I stored myself in a bookstore instead.

Since I was there for two hours and I basically finished reading a whole book, I opted to return the kindness and purchase a product. After all, I still had a gift card, so guilt free with the expenses!

I’m not into Science fiction, but I really found the creativity of Douglas Adams amazing and humorous. I liked the movie, but let’s see whether this book will be shelved and categorized as hoarded or as favorite.

Or, well, at least read.

Anyhow, the Family Day event at school was a success, so congratulations, work fam! ♥

Day 019 – 2018.19.01

Recently, I’ve been busy interacting with strangers through a PenPal app. So far I’ve talked to different people from different countries about various topics.

On the other hand, I’m sharing thoughts with this really interesting Pinoy. He kind of sounds like those Pinoy writers I read, and his ideas kind of sync with mine. 🙂 Also, started corresponding with this Russian guy (again) and I like how he sound so far. 🙂 I’m learning about Estonia and Cyprus from two female chatmates too!

YAY!

Day 018 – 2018.18.01

I did cry.

It’s so weird to pick up my dad around the airport and not have him wait for us with his many bags and boxes he worked so hard to fill for everyone’s satisfaction. He would usually beam up despite the exhaustion of a long flight, hug us very tight because he missed us so very very much. And he was happy at the moment, especially because he was so so lonely there.

Instead, it was painful for us to pick him up inside a big box with him lying inside a casket. He worked hard his whole life, but he never wanted to end up inside those big boxes like that.

Nonetheless, as we always say: Welcome home, Daddy.

Day 017 – 2018.17.01

We’re trying to be positive with that money problem, thinking there just might be a glitch somewhere in this whole program of our lives at the moment. We’re troubleshooting, and hope some steps in the wizard can suggest us a good option for the problem if not the solution.

Tomorrow, Dad comes home.

I’m not very excited to see him, but I want him to be finally home.

I’m sure I’m going to cry. I want to cry.

And I’m still sorry. Still so so sorry.

Day 016 – 2018.16.01

I think cold water was suddenly splashed on me when I read my brother’s message this afternoon.

Basically, it’s a problem about money. Something that I’ve always stressed about.

I mean, I’m middle class and it’s not like we don’t always have money. But it’s this continuous struggle of emotions between the abundance and the lack of it that keeps me frustrated. Of course, I sound kind of insensitive to the poor who probably would love to switch places with me if having money is my problem, but of course it’s not that simple. It’s like being given cotton candy and getting used to it, then have it snatched from you. Then they give it again, then snatch again, then give, then snatch.

It’s emotionally scarring. (err, lol)

Anyhow, I think we’ll be in debt for the next three years, so this might be the true push I need to pursue that abroad plans. Not for experience only this time, it’s for my family.

(How MMK!)

Day 014 – 2018.14.01

Somehow I’m starting to think twice on this online search for a potential date thing.

I mean, I think I have my expectations of this method backwards and I’m not even giving an effort to learn it through.

For example, I easily favorite the handsome guys, especially if their profile writing sounds okay or interesting the least. The website always encourages for me to message them, but I rarely do because I either feel they won’t be interested or because I can’t really commit a time for chatting. I’ve always been a boring chat partner and I’ve come to a conclusion that I’m more of an email/coffee partner more than anything, so why am I submitting my chances at a date from a place that bids me to do something I’m not very comfortable with?

Risk. Yeah, I get it, and I’m somehow making some, but chatting seriously zaps the energy out of me. The real-timeness of the conversation with the option to leave (easily) is kind of stressing me out.

I still have the Russian guy to talk to and I’ve started chatting with a girl with whom I can probably pull out of the app to a different chat platform so deleting the app wouldn’t be a waste after all.

But well, I’ll give it a month. Something might come out of it.

Day 013 – 2018.13.01

What a fun time with co-teachers today!

Went to Sinagtala Farm and Resort in Bataan for our school building. Our supervisor said it was actually my moody boss’ idea, and it’s nothing short of odd and amazing at the same time. Nonetheless, of course, we all are very thankful. 🙂

Tried some new things like riding a bicycle suspended on air (sky cycle), ziplining and sky swing (a massive swing). They’re all pretty scary in the beginning, but they’re all really fun. During the zipline, I felt really close to the sky so I screamed “I love you Daddy, and I’m sorry for everything” then I started crying a bit. It’s kind of scary because I think I’ve been suppressing a lot of feeling regarding daddy’s death, and I’m not sure how to deal with it properly, so they just come out in episodes like this.

Anyhow, the sky and weather was amazing today, so I can’t help but take pictures, of course.

 

Haaaay. Sky shots will always save me.

Day 012 – 2018.12.01

Happy Friday!!!

Should it be? Well yeah I guess it should be. It’s the end of the work week, tomorrow we have a staff trip to Bataan (yey!), and I’m chatting with a guy (uyyy).

Also, we already received news that Dad’s body will be coming home next week, so I guess that’s considered good news too. I can finally sleep better knowing that Dad’s delivered properly, finally.

These days, I’m having trouble sleeping. I haven’t started my tutorials yet so I have plenty of time to nap in the afternoon after work, but I just find it hard to find slumber fast. I end up reaching for my phone or reading a story when this happens. I always have a lot on my mind, but the matter of Daddy’s death is always at the back of it. I think it’s causing my insomnia.

Coincidentally, the fic I’m reading now has Isak with insomnia too because he’s been stressed about his mom, who has schizophrenia. Although she’s more stable then, his mind is constantly relegating to that thought, plus stress from uni, so he finds it really hard to sleep.

My insomnia is the other type, thank gosh, so I can still sleep around 12 or earlier.

Anyway, speaking of sleep, I think I’d have to do that now while I’m still feeling the buzz of sleepiness.

Day 011 – 2018.11.01

Recently, I’ve started reconnecting to people online. Aside from that sudden message from the Russian guy, I made a profile on a dating website? One of my goals for this year is to try going on a date, after all. See if that works out or not.

Well, there’s been some interesting and attractive people who made themselves available online, but I haven’t had the guts to message them. I could, but I just cannot commit myself to chatting everyday. That’s so tiring! Ahahahah! Unless the other person gets my drift and my moods or they are heck nice, then maybe that will be a different story.

So far, there’s been some guys (and girls) messaging. I always thank them for the interest (they think I’m cute ROFL). Anyhow, I need to invest myself more on this.

Maybe.

Day 010 – 2018.10.01

Sa Pilipinas, may karaniwan ng karatula ang mga drayber na barya lang po sa umaga na maiintindihan mo naman ang dahilan dahil may ibang kababyahe palang at hindi naman nila alam san sila kukuha ng panukli sa isang daan agad-agad. Madalas naman, naalala ito ng mga tao, kaya kung jeep naman ang sasakyan mo, kadalasan sa suking pasahero, nakahanda na ang baryang pangbayad.

Ang kagandahan naman sa mga jeepney drayber, kung sakaling nagabayad ka ng buo, hahanap sila ng paraan (magpapapalit sa mga nagtitinda o kabilang jeep na kaibigan) para masuklian ka.

Ang hindi ko batid, iba pala ang siste ng FX. O ng partikular na FX lang na ito.

Ngayong umaga papasok, nagbayad ako ng 50 pesos sa drayber ng FX na sinakyan ko. Tapos ang sabi nya, wala siyang panukli. Ibinalik niya sa akin ang bayad ko. Siyempre, natulala ako. Kasi, wala talaga akong sapat na barya pamasahe! Hindi naman na ganoon kaaga para mawalan siya ng panukli, pero waley. Tinignan ko siya sa rearview mirror at nakatingin din siya sakin. Mga dalawang minuto ang lumipas at napaisip ako ng maagi sa mensahe niya. Pinapababa niya ba ako?

Mukhang iyon na nga ang pahiwatig.

Kaya ang sabi ko: “Manong, wala talaga akong barya. Ano bababa ako?” Hindi siya sumagot pero masama ang tingin niya sa akin sa salamin. “Bababa ako?”

Tapos iginilid niya yung FX, tahimik na pagsabing: OO BUMABA KA NA.

Kaya bumaba na ako.

Pero imbis na magalit, natawa nalang ako. Sa sobrang labo nung nangyari, natawa nalang ako. Hindi makapaniwala sa nangyari, kaya natawa nalang ako.

Pero nakakagigil lang na buti pa pala ang mga jeepney driver, na kahit mas maliit ang kinikita sa araw-araw at siya pang mga nabibilad sa init kasi bukas ang sasakyan at polusyon lang ang nakakapit sa balat nila imbis na aircon, ay sila pa yung may kusa na magmagandang loob sa pasahero.

Siyempre, hindi ko nilalahat lahat ng jeepney at FX driver na ganito, pero kakaiba lang talaga. Sobra.

Day 009 – 2018.09.01

I received an email message from a Russian guy I was in an email correspondence with two years ago.

I’m not even sure how or where I met him, but I just remember having good email exchange with him. Although, the conversation somehow fizzled out with him suddenly not responding to my messages, and I just took it as a sign that our affinity must be done (or the universe was punishing me for being the one leaving the conversation on my other penpals).

I started liking this guy when we talked, but not in a big way. I think I was just curious and receiving messages from him was a nice interjection from my linear life that time. But I think I talked way to much about myself. I mean, can be very very wordy in writing.

In person though, I like listening more.

Anyhow, it’s nice. I just replied with a short message hinting that there’s a lot that has happened (which is true) and that maybe we can reconnect.

If nothing happens, then okay. If he replies, well and good. 🙂

Day 006 – 2018.06.01

As they say, friends are the family you chose to have, and I think that’s very true. Since my relationship with my family is not very ideal, I think I’m very invested in the friends I have, at times, even more than with my family members.

Fortunately, I have a lot of friends. For some reason, despite my introversion, I easily gain friends. Somehow, I have an extrovert button. So, many friends I have, but it is inevitable that our paths separate along the way. As the song, “Wear Sunscreen” states: Friends come and go, with a precious few you have to hold on to. Also, in our Buddhism class, Shifu said that when people, like friends, lose connection with us, we do not have to feel too bad about it. It could only mean that our affinity to them and vice-versa is already finished. That’s natural.

I agree.

Also, in the natural movement of things, when friends become part of the working class, it’s very hard to put schedules together. If we always wait for everyone to be available on a certain day, chances are, it gets canceled or postponed. So when the opportunity came that more than half of my college barkada were available to meet on a Saturday, I really pushed for it to happen. I mean, I really love these people to pieces, and we’re not delaying a promise any longer just for one person.

Haaaaay.

These are the people who made my university life complete. They were the ones who never labeled me as weird or the odd one out of the group, we can discuss any topic under the sun, and I basically grew with these bunch.

I love you, CDLC!

Day 005 – 2018.05.01

Hmmm… I’m not sure if I’m going to start believing this, but quite a number of people had been telling me I seemed to have lost some weight. Mostly, they point out to my face getting smaller.

Hmm… Really?

I mean, I’ve been so used to seeing myself fat, my face really round, that I don’t really see the difference. At this point, I’m not even expecting to lose weight since I don’t make any effort to do so.

The question, I guess, is if I’m losing weight, what’s causing it? I have a few theories in mind:

1. The amount of tea I consume on a daily basis helps with my metabolism and burning calories?
2. The amount of time and the speed required of my movement when at work help burn fats (I play with kids everyday, demmet)
3. I am quite ill somewhere
4. It’s stress

Let’s just hope that it’s not number 3. Number 4 is quite an understatement.

Anyhow, it’s still chill now at work. Expecting more than 10 kids at least next week! HOO! LEZZDOTHIS!

Day 004 – 2018.01.04

I was browsing through some BL videos in YT when it led me to this clip from an old gay movie titled, “Get Real”.

I think out of all the gay movies I’ve watched, this has got to be one of the best confession scenes of a person conflicted of his sexuality. That sometimes you think a one-time thing can easily be left behind, actions be blamed to alcohol or ambiance, but then every action we have weighs something in our lives, whether we became aware of it or not. I like how John builds up on the story leading up to the moment when he faces something foreign with the other camp guy, but all the same exciting and probably familiar (though unacknowledged). I don’t know the whole story yet, so I suppose John is trying to fight it, or he is protecting his jock, masculine image. On the other hand, I think he’s in love with Steven (the guy in white), thus he admits his fear–of being found, of the intensity of his emotions for Steven–and he lets himself be vulnerable as he cries, he gives permission to Steven to hold him, comfort him as the truth is out. When they kiss, John breathes into Steven as if he’s air–salvation–because his situation, his struggle suffocating.