Day 030 – 2018.30.01

Today is Dad’s 40 days, so we had a small get-together with family and offered a simple prayer for him.

I’m not sure what this tradition for the dead is all about and why on the 40th day (you’d know how religious I am), but for all I know, these are just formalities.

I know Dad’s in a better place now. 🙂

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Day 029 – 2018.29.01

Three Things:

1

Podcast + taken home work = sanity

2

Landscape option for Kindle makes for hands-free reading on my tummy! At least this big belly of mine is of use for something other than a protruding evidence of my neclect for body care.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAND Sir Benedict is still in very good shape. YEY!

(please please please don’t break my heart again)

3

THE REALITY IS TOO STRONG ON THIS ONE. I KENNAT.

Day 028 – 2018.28.01

I think I haven’t really recovered from the week before with all the days of lacking sleep and stressing over the funeral, guests, and burial. You get that feeling of waking up and your muscles and bones aching and begging you to go back to bed because you deserve it and fuck the world, forget it?

Yeah, that feeling.

Alas, reality bites and I still have to complete our weekly lesson grid.

*sigh*

On the upside, SIR BENEDICT IS ALIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIVEEEEEEE!!!! FSKJBFKJSDBFJKSDBFKJDSBFKJBDSJFKSDBF!!!
I CANNOT CONTAIN MY FUCKING GLEE MY KINDLE IS BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACCCCK!!!!
SzkjdFBSKJDBFKJSDBFKJDSBFD

And just when I was considering buying a new one (again), after I gave up on the idea of buying an e-reader (again) after it. I dunno what really happened. I suspected it was the battery or it hardware malfunction somewhere since the touchscreen was not working anymore, I dunno. So just as mysteriously it died on me, it mysteriously revived too.

Strange.

When I think about it, my Kindle died a few days before news of my dad’s passing. And now it’s alive a few days after we buried him. My dad bought my Kindle.

HUH…?

Homy—-! EEEEK!

Well, for whatever it means, I hope this is a sign that my dad has successfully crossed the afterlife to paradise. 🙂

Day 026 – 2018.26.18

Happy 100 days of school!

I’m not exactly sure how we’re able to pull everything through with my partner threading the chaos of independent teaching without me through the chaos of our class, me with family matters, and other stuff to consider, well, congratulations to us!

The pancake and egg were a sure hit, surely! And I’m so proud of my kids being so attentive of guest by offering them food, serving, and pretend playing like business owners!

So cute!

Day 023 – 2018.23.01

Sometimes, the most beautiful smile can shatter one’s heart into pieces. Just like mine.

For a while, I’ve been wondering why my eyes had been so dry with the whole ordeal of my dad’s passing. I think I’m keeping everything inside, or I still feel weird that I’m still fine.

Like, losing a family member is suppose to make your life crumble, but it’s not always like that. We move on, it’s true. But I think we’ll always long for those we lost.

Personally, I’m always going to mull on my what ifs with Dad.

Sometimes, my dad is more of the person I always am in conflict with, someone I don’t understand, someone I long to understand. His image as a father is different from his image with his friends whom so many love and adore because of his jokes and charm. He’s not the grumpy, misunderstood man I make him out to be in my head, or it’s just that we all put a different side of ourselves out there.

When I saw these pictures of him,

I just…bawled.

I couldn’t stop crying. Alas I remember that my dad had showed that side of him to me so many times and I think I was never that welcoming of it. These were his smiles even when he was sick, trying to survive the night with the thought of the possibility of death just around the corner and at the same time not having the heart to make us worry that much.

I never realized my dad was so handsome until these pictures. And I think it was beyond the physical that I finally accepted his claim of being a handsome man, but it’s because through those smiles–from those selfies he sent over messenger–he was sending us a message that had always been universal in his life as our father: I’m okay. Don’t worry about me. Always be happy. I love you very much.