“Auld Lang Syne”
N. Old times, especially those fondly remembered
This is Dictionary.com’s word of the day. How fitting to the picture we receive of my dad today.
He looks dapper in a suit, he looks peaceful, but he’s not moving nor breathing; he’s not smiling or making a joke at something; he’s not even looking at anyone because his eyes are closed–and that’s for eternity.
If Dad was still alive and he’s clad in the same suit, looking formal, looking really proper for a special occasion maybe, he’d ask me: “Pogi ba, Chie?” then I’ll annoy him with a tsk and a nod just to appease him, but he’ll brush off my nonchalance with a jest: “Siyempre pogi Daddy mo.” And I think he was. I think he really was. I just never got to say it to him sincerely because bickering had always been our game, my lambing. He had always been the vocal one, the more affectionate one, and I think that he had too much of it and I lacked some.
I would’ve enjoyed seeing him in a basketball jersey on top of that suit because I think that speaks more of one of his loves than a suit. My dad is laidback, a funny guy, likes to relax and be casual. He was always expressing that he deserve the pampering whenever he went home for a vacation because he’d been working his ass off, and of course, I saw the point in that. It’s just that there were times when I felt the same and I think at some point it became a competition, of who was more tired of life and who deserved more of what’s not given enough to us, so often I’ll roll my eyes and avoid the topic, and him along the way.
I didn’t grow up with my Dad the way my two brothers did, nor do I have the same interests as he did, so there would always be a gap in my heart wanting to understand him more, get to know him more, have him understand and know me more back, but I guess there’s nothing more to hope for now.
What I just wish, sincerely, with the numerous times my dad confided his sadness to me about the disconnect of our family, his situation in the states, the loss of his great love, and his loneliness, I hope all of that had been cleared as he entered a new life.
No more pain, Daddy. No more pain.
I just wish there’s more time to share, but then we don’t have that anymore, so I just wish you well there.
Your death is part of 2017 I’ll say goodbye to in a while, but your memories, the auld lang syne and even the unfavorable ones, I’ll hold on to as much as I can.
I love you, Daddy.
As much as you felt it, as much as I comprehended it.
I’m sorry for everything.
See you again.