Day 160: 6.13.17

You don’t always have to be at the top to be at your best. – Edward John Barber, 2017

Today, I cried.

I cried for reasons I wasn’t even aware I needed to cry about.

I thought, I was handling the pain strongly and bravely, and to be fair, I think I was, but even strong and brave people get battered and hurt, fall down and cry after a while.

I wasn’t aware that I was hurting that badly, and I was trying to mask the frustration by telling myself words that I needed to hear, but I guess, I wasn’t completely convinced by it.

Today, I faced the problem.

I admitted to myself, the ugly truth of the issue. That there is an issue, and I had an issue.

I cried in the darkness and isolation of the world, on my bed, in the safety and secrecy of my room. The walls had been witnessed to all my ups and downs, especially the battles I’ve had with myself that I chose not to share to anyone except for those walls.

I guess, that’s not a very good choice.

I know.

However, this is my limitation in terms of sharing myself. At least, I hope, only as of now.

I’m still waiting for the day that I wouldn’t have such a hard time allowing myself to deal with these demons with someone.

I know I have very good friends who would be willing to comfort me, and for that, I am very very grateful, but for now, I’ll just keep that in mind.

I can still manage. I can manage on my own.

If only I can admit, at least to myself, honestly, all the things that I feel bad about, and I don’t have to always comfort myself with words that I have to say to make myself feel strong and stable. Sometimes, I have to allow myself–hopefully more often–that there are times, that things are not alright.

And that’s alright.
Things will eventually be alright.

So, thank you very much, Edward for those words.

I have to remind myself, that I don’t always have to wish that I am at the top to feel good about myself, I just have to focus to do my best where I am. Whether people recognize that or not, if I am happy with it, then so be it. There would be people bigger than me, better than me, but that doesn’t mean that I am not good where I am now. If I really love what I’m doing, then someone will love me for what I’m doing, too. No matter how many or small those people are. Even if there is none, continue to be happy as you are, Michelle.

Rule of thumb: don’t get attached. But be kind. Always, and strive it, always be kind.

You’re alright.

of Alzheimer, freedom and happiness

But for my grandmother, the disease had seemed liberating. For the first time in all the years I’d known her, she seemed truly happy.

Imagine: to be freed from your memory, to have every awful thing that ever happened to you wiped away — and not just your past, but your worries about the future, too. Because with no sense of time or memory, past and future cease to exist, along with all sense of loss and regret. Not to mention grudges and hurt feelings, arguments and embarrassments.

And that’s the fantasy, isn’t it? To have your record cleared. To be able not to merely forget, but to expunge your unhappy childhood, or unrequited love, or rocky marriage from your memory. To start over again.

Robert LeleuxA Memory Magically Interrupted (essay)

Anger

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Some of the worst days of my life involves me raising my voice to an octave I didn’t even know I can manage to belt out. It’s that moment that dark clouds hides judgment and you succumb to a feeling so intense you didn’t know how much damage it would create, nor how much damage it can cause you.

I’m a very patient person and most people would say that I’m pretty chill despite others trying to push me around, and just because I really don’t let them. I try not to think that they are pushing me around, but instead, I’m just being the better person by trying to find around the situation without losing my cool. However, all of us has a trigger that can ignite that fire to explosion, you know? I have that. The trigger is buried within layers of patience and body fat, but when pressed, uh-oh.

To be very honest, I’ve only been angry several times in my lifetime, probably less than ten times. I try to find reason for every bad thing that happens to me or when people do me wrong so I can try to find reason to easily forgive them too, but that trigger has no logic, so I just explode. Of course, I also held grudges and that one is worse, but at least that my angry imploding muses got me writing angry poetry and angsty prose.

I think for the reasons that I get really angry–you know, like screaming, red-faced mad–it’s valid. Nobody tells me that it was an uncalled for reaction, but I get the biggest damage in the end. Why? Probably because in the end, me getting angry and raising my voice didn’t solve anything permanently. Also, my heart cannot bear the emotion as there’s irregularity in the beat and my breathing shortens. Since I’m not used to this very powerful emotion, my body reacts very negatively to it. And of course, once I get this much angry, I feel awful the rest of the day. It throws me off-balance. The regret of giving up to the situation and letting anger dominate me for a few seconds stretches to the rest of the day.

The thing is, when this happens, I crave random things. I don’t eat properly and start craving for food that I won’t usually eat on a non-special day, meaning I spend more. And there’s nothing more awful than unplanned and impulsive spending.

So there, Buddha, you’re right. My anger is punishing me right now because I still feel bad about it. I direly need to meditate again.