Eherm 4.

What the hell?!

Was I actually sulking that I intentionally seated myself on a table where she is, and she just left when I went there? I swear, my food was simple but I got full easily, however, I couldn’t feel the satisfaction. More than my disagreement to diet, I think it was that fact?

Didn’t I want this? Fine.

Well, the whole day in regards to her was disappointing.

We got to joke around pretty well near the end of the day. 🙂

 

 

 

 

P.S.

I swear I would soon stop spamming this blog with this issue and post quotes instead. Haha.

Eherm 3.

So… we didn’t sit beside each other today.

One of the main reason is their department settled themselves earlier than us, so the room was full even before all the teachers of our department got there. Second, the whole sit-beside-each-other is probably just a coincidence and nothing else. If I’m lucky tomorrow, we’d be beside each other, but I think after yelling at her today (not in seriousness, of course) and being in the presence of each other too much, I think it’s a thin chance.

Moreover, I feel my attraction is waning down a bit. Not because there’s something bad about her, but I think I’m just getting very used to having her in close proximity and being able to joke around that I don’t seek her that much anymore. It would be super nice to have a normal, serious conversation one of these days with just the two of us, but I think that would not be beneficial for me, yes? I mean, I might find some really nice things about her and the feeling intensifies.

If that happens, then what? Well, on the other hand, I might appreciate her more as a friend/colleague later.

Anyway, indeed work life got more interesting for me. Not only am I closer to my colleagues and I’m finding my way around my job better, but there’s somebody special to watch out for everyday. 🙂

Music: “Tadhana” by Up Dharma Down

Sa hindi inaaasahang
Pagtatagpo ng mga mundo
May minsan lang na nagdugtong,
Damang dama na ang ugong nito.
Di pa ba sapat ang sakit at lahat
Na hinding hindi ko ipararanas sa’yo
Ibinubunyag ka ng iyong mata
Sumisigaw ng pag-sinta.

Bakit di papatulan
Ang pagsuyong nagkulang
Tayong umaasang
Hilaga’t kanluran
Ikaw ang hantungan
At bilang kanlungan mo
Ako ang sasagip sa’yo
.

Saan nga ba patungo,
Nakayapak at nahihiwagaan na
Ang bagyo ng tadhana ay
Dinadala ako sa init ng bisig mo
Bakit di pa sabihin
Ang hindi mo maamin
Ipauubaya na lang ba ‘to sa hangin
‘Wag mong ikatakot
Ang bulong ng damdamin mo
Naririto ako’t nakikinig sa’yo

Whoo… oohh… ho… ooohh…
Whoo… oohh… ho… ooohh…
Whoo… oohh… ho… ooohh…
Whoo… ohhh…

Lalalala…

—-

I am in love with this song. ❤

Eherm 2.

So crush had been sitting beside me twice in a row during lunch time.

 

Coincidence?

 

Probably. I know I really should not be counting on this as a “moment”, but come on! I’m human!

 

Oh well. Let’s see tomorrow.

 

Of course I’d be a bit sad, but it’s probably for the better. I can’t handle too much ‘kilig’ if we’re going nowhere. On the other hand, this closeness might neutralize my feelings into friendliness instead. That would be good.

 

Let’s see. Let’s see. Come on tomorrow!

Eherm.

 

So I have a crush in my new workplace.

And I’m trying not to mind it so much.

 

I don’t really know when it happened and how, I just found myself seeking to be acknowledged by that person. We were not in speaking terms because one, we are from different departments; two, there seem to be no common ground.

Anyway, eventually, the feeling grew into wanting to be noticed, and then for that person to talk to me.

Well, everything I hoped for eventually transpired, but of course the expectation grew, too.

After last Thursday’s dinner with my co-workers, including that person (whom I didn’t expect to be coming, at all), we somehow got to know each other more. Of course it’s only me who is putting more icing on the cake, but I felt very happy being able to finally talk and joke around. It took more than three months before we got to that level of saying friendly “hey” in the school, so of course I feel elated.

The thing is, now that person is being so nice to me (she’s really nice), I’m getting hyper-aware of her presence…

…which I don’t like. You know that annoying feeling of wanting that person to notice you every time you’re nearby each other, even if it’s not needed? It’s totally distracting! Seriously, I have better things to do.

Sheesh.

Moreover, I know to some extent that I like girls, but it’s the first time I’ve been this perplexed by one, like how I am to my guy crushes. But oh well, it’s been a really long time since I’ve had a huge crush on someone, so maybe this is the effect? Anyway, I don’t really mind that I’m having a pretty serious crush on a girl (or maybe I do, hmm), but I’ve forgotten just how frustrating this situation (of having a crush in general, not having a crush on a girl) is.

 

Ho, good luck to me when I fall in love.

the stories and the dreams

The past two months of adjusting to a new work also meant adjusting my reading list.

From fanfiction and novels of September to March, I had to trade them for articles about how to handle children in a class and strategies for teaching reading and writing effectively to young kids. Yesterday, I had a craving for fiction. It didn’t have to be a novel, a short story would have sufficed.

And it did.

I think the stories I read before sleeping gives me more vivid dreams, albeit stranger, too (which I don’t mind). I remember them longer, and they are more interesting. Although I’ve never had a dream which was directly affected by the story I read before I sleep.

 

Nonetheless, reading fiction while sleeping is a must for vivid dreams!

 

Swimming_Shaman__Lake_Biwa_by_johnuptonphotography

Dependency

So my student and I had this question in our TOEFL speaking practice about relationships of parent and children. He shared that his mom was the strict type, so he could never be friendly with her even until now that he’s a parent himself. Moreover, his daughter is flying to the US to study, so his relationship with her could potentially change, either for the better or worse. He said that his daughter is closer to her mom, and they have the friendly type of parent-child relationship (like my mom and I). He’s the stricter parent, but he said his daughter looks up to him, therefore he’s confident that she’ll miss him when she goes to America. This dad confidently feels that they’ll have a closer relationship when she comes back.

Well, at least that is the hope.

Along our conversation, I was suddenly hit by this sort of loneliness which I think I’d have to endure once I become a parent. As my student said, the conflict which teens go through is not only suffered by them, but of the parents as well. This is the period of parenthood which all parents must bear with their child’s growing independence, or what some may interpret as “rebellion”.

A co-teacher shared that parents, on the first day of class (nursery or kindergarten) have a bigger tendency to show signs of separation anxiety rather than the child. This is one of the main reasons why children have a harder time adjusting to the new environment. If the parent is not willing to let go of his or her child’s hand, then how will they let go as well? Children can only feel comfortable in a new place or to a new person once their parents say, “It’s okay. Don’t be scared.”

Of course, it’s understandable why parents would be like this, right? For many years, they will be the child’s strength, their eyes, hands, feet, mouth, everything. Suddenly, after a few years they start to stand up on their own, walk on their own; know how to not call their mom or dad to be guided. Most parents feel proud, and at the same time, I guess a bit lonely too? This tiny human who came from your own flesh, growing more and more capable; more and more capable of living without them. I know it sounds kind of negative, but I think we all have that mixed feeling of liking a person’s dependency to us.

I’d attest to that, personally.

I’ve always felt that my parents, particularly my mom, wanted us to grow up not depending too much on them (or her), but more to our own skills and capacity. Because of this, I grow up not liking other kids who depend too much on their parents for their school projects; it felt unfair. On the other hand, as I grew stronger with my independence, I felt more and more people depending on me. It was an unfamiliar feeling, however, I didn’t hate it. I like helping others, especially if I really like that person, so their dependence on me affirmed my strengths as a person. In addition, taking care of a person feels good, no matter how difficult it could be. So I once thought, “Ah, is this how it feels to be a mom?”

*sigh*

However, in life, we all must walk separate paths, right? Families or lovers alike. It’s the truth of life. A painful or precious reality?

Whichever it is, this hot-pot of emotions and questions, make us human.

Ahhh….life.

“Desiderata” by Max Ehrmann

Go placidly amid the noise and haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence.
As far as possible without surrender be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others, even the dull and ignorant; they too have their story.
Avoid loud and aggressive persons, they are vexations to the spirit.
If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain and bitter;
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.

Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.
Keep interested in your career, however humble; it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs; for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive for high ideals;
and everywhere life is full of heroism.

Be yourself.
Especially, do not feign affection.
Neither be critical about love; for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment it is as perennial as the grass.

Take kindly the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself with imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness. Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself.

You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be,
and whatever your labors and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul.
With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world. Be careful. Strive to be happy.

Twilight Zone-d

Ever had that experience of being suddenly shaken by the feeling, the idea that the world, your reality shifted before your eyes?

While walking nonchalantly this morning, I had to halt and take a double-look to my surroundings just to be sure I’m still on the ground. Everything was normal though: the abundant green from the lines of trees, the dusty field, the buildings and everything.

I don’t know.

Despite the surprising luck I was blessed on the way to work and the fine weather, that moment disturbed me.

 

Oh well.