The Answer

So…it was seen…zoned.

Strangely, I don’t feel that disappointed nor feel rrelieved. It was more of a MEH. Hahahaha!

Oh well. At least, challenge accepted and finished. Time to move on with life. 🙂

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The Resolution

Getting a second-hand iPod is not the best option for an mp3 player, but the option of free podcasts made it worth it.

In an episode of the podcast, “The Hidden Brain” about resolutions, the hosts discussed about why people find it difficult to stick with their resolutions despite thinking carefully the what and the how. They suggested that asking oneself “why” the resolution is being made in the first place gives it a higher chance to be followed since it reinforces one’s motivation to begin the act.

I’m not sure if my realization was directly affected by this idea, but immediately after, the conclusion to my previous’ posts questions became clear as day.

I went back to the very purpose of that message. Why did I send that? Because it was part of the series of challenges I wanted to do for 2015. I was able to pull the act of sending the message to him, but he unfortunately never got to read it. I settled with the idea that he might never be interested in what I gotta say, so I just shrugged off and moved on. Now that I have the option of him reading a message directly since we’re now contacts, why am I holding back? Why did I do that in the first place? Part of the challenge was for him to READ it. If he never got to read it for reasons that is beyond me, the challenge was never finished.

So the very purpose of that letter was to be READ and for my resolution to be realized. I asked the “why” of that resolution, so I got my motivation back.

Like a high schooler, after sending the message to him last night through chat, I immediately turned off my wifi and went to sleep. I wasn’t ready for his reply. If he seen-zones it, fine. If he replies, better. It doesn’t if I’m ready or not, the fact would remain that I’ll accept whatever comes out of this challenge. I brought this upon myself anyway.

In a few hours I’ll be back. I’m gonna check Facebook now to see if there’s a reply or whatever.

SHIT I’M NERVOUUUUUUUUUUUUSSSS!!!!

A leap

How do you know if an event is brought on by destiny, or something we just want to assume was brought on by destiny? We assume something to be a cosmic occurrence because it’s a fantasy coming true knocking on your door, and you’re scared of knowing you’re making a mistake of labeling the feelings that comes with it.

What if it’s just life’s small glitch that you’re supposed to ignore and move on with your life? But, what if it’s a glitch that’s signaling something big?

I’ll never know until I try to find out, right?

Alright. Here’s the deal.

I had a crush on this guy when I was in uni. He was a PE classmate from another program. He was cute, like a character out of a manga: bespectacled, shy smile, lanky, quite friendly, looks nerdy, speaks slowly (this is a plus plus for uniqueness). He’s the guy most girls would miss in a field of men, but your eyes would linger on him since he’s so different from the rest. I’ve heard girls giggling over his cuteness actually.

Now, I never got to know this boy. I’ve talked to him a few times over the course of that year we were in the same PE class, but he remained untouched and perfect in my mind for we never became friends. I froze whenever he and his friends pass the hallway; my train of thoughts halted if he’s within my vicinity. Basically, I get petrified whenever he’s in sight. Well, aren’t we all shushed and awed at the sight of something we deem “perfect”?

Anyway, since I’ve never ever confessed to my crushes before, for my theme CHANGE last year, I wanted to change that series of concealing my feelings. I thought, if there’s anybody to confess to, it’s gonna be him. My previous crushes became good friends, so it might turn awkward if I suddenly blurt it out of the blue. We’re basically strangers to each other, so what’s to lose, right? Moreover, if he’s a character out of a manga, then I’ll be the girl that confesses him.

So at the beginning of January 2015, I sent him a message over Facebook, exposing my thoughts of him, expressing gratefulness over making my uni days exciting and giggly, and expecting nothing in return. I just wanted him to know that there was someone in school whom he made happy just by his mere presence. Of course, I told him that my decision was brought about by desire to change a part of my life and making him part of that change, but he didn’t necessarily have to be active in it.

I left the message there in the FB chat and thinking that he won’t be able to read it, I had to add him to my contacts. For the next days, I opened my account with shaky hands and at the back of my mind, expecting to either be ignored or replied with a “thank you”. However, in the months to follow, he neither read or accepted my invitation. In the months to follow, I eventually settled to the fact that nothing’s gonna happen and I can move on from that episode.

Came two Sundays ago, I suddenly got a notification that he accepted my invitation to be my FB contact (well, along with three more people). Instantly, I thought of my message and that it was finally read. However, going back to the message, he never touched it. It’s been a year anyway, my friend said that it might’ve been sent at the very back of his notifications. What’s the use of reading a message sent a year ago anyway? I understand that.

But then, am I okay with this? Finally, here’s the chance to finally talk to him, to get to know him by being connected (albeit virtually), am I gonna risk my perfect image of him in my head? What if I get rejected? Am I gonna subject myself to another bout of expectation? As if I don’t have enough on my head right now! *sigh* Well, what’s my problem anyway? I thought I can just shrug it off, but honestly, I really wanna find out if I can do something to connect. The fantasy is great, but these days I’m getting more consumed by the curiosity.

Am I nearing a conclusion? Yes. I’m thinking of re-sending the message. Since we’re connected now, I would know if he has really read it or not. I could finally get my answer (I’m expecting to be rejected, yep, not expecting the good to avoid the hurt) and move on for good. I’m sure ten years is enough for a fantasy of a single person. My friend said I needed closure, and closure I would get.

Am I really gonna do this? Yes. Well, I’ll try to think it over again first tonight. Anyway, WISH ME LUCK!

At peace

It’s been a year of new memories, experiences, and awakenings in my new job.

Last year was a milestone as I discovered what sexual awakening was about. I’ve read about these things, getting confused and flushed, and even ashamed and embarrassed at some point, but all was worth it.

It’s been months since I last mentioned about my girl crush, well, ex-girl crush. I don’t like her that way anymore, and I’m ever relieved of it. From the start, I knew there’s not gonna be an us, but we can be friends, good friends.

The period came when I realized, she’s just a co-teacher now, no special feelings and I should be relieved. However, the way I was always awkward of her presence, despite her lambing, the small acts of her saying that she misses me as lunch-mate or having to joke around each other which I’ve brushed off as being overly clingy. It’s her personality anyway. I’ve been self-centered all this while, and I was blind to realize that she probably wanted to be a good friend to me as well. Despite my efforts to conceal my feelings from a person, or even from myself, I think I’ve never perfected this act. Perhaps, during those times, she also felt that I wasn’t comfortable with her, so we went civil with each other: automatic smiles on the hallway, awkward nano-talks (it’s that fast), and communicating when needed (usually if there’s a need to confirm something, or problem with our printer, or about books). Stereotypical co-workers.

Lately, things have been better. I’m not sure if I’m just in a good mood these months despite the storm of classes (full-time and part-time), and I have a better schedule now with Friday as the end of the workweek (weekends serving as day off in its fullest sense), but things between us have been pleasant.

I don’t feel awkward with her anymore. I can joke and laugh a lot around her or at her (they say I’m bully, psh) and I feel that she’s also like that to me. Being the sensitive person she is, I think she was just waiting for me to break my walls. I didn’t even notice I’ve had them.

When the memory of that great afternoon over lunch being friendly and comfortable with each other, until we said goodbye, flashed in my head as I was heading home, it dawned on me: this is what it feels to be at peace.

I’m over the office heartbreak, I smiled inwardly while soft music and a gentle breeze guided me home.

What’s going on?

Though I’ve admitted that I don’t have feelings for my crush anymore, it bothers me that we don’t talk anymore. A simple hallway greeting would suffice, but I don’t get any of that anymore.

After our lunch schedule changed, she promised to say “I miss you” everyday, which to my surprise, she did! For a whole week I’d hear it. I guess the problem was me not ever being able to give back the affection in words. You have to understand that while her I miss you can be simple, friendly exchange of words, mine holds a deeper meaning because I liked her. My I miss you would not only contain how I miss our friendly banters over lunch, but everything I liked about her I have missed. So it wasn’t easy to say. When I finally decided to properly tell back that I do miss her, she started–somewhat–avoiding me or ignoring me.

Several times for the past three days, I greeted her many times, but she never returned the greeting. I could understand that she was busy, but what’s a second to greet back and get back to work? We even met eyes several times, but I didn’t know what to do anymore. I wanted to ask (in a non-serious way) if she was angry or why she’s been so lukewarm the past days. I kinda feel bothered again, so my reflex is to avoid. I tend to avoid people whom I feel don’t want me around in the first place.

I guess I feel bad since I thought we were beginning to be friends, but apparently, that’s not gonna happen soon.

Peaceful co-existence as non-communicating co-teachers then.  How very sad. 😦

 

Dream: Missed Flight

So I had this dream last week which goes like this:

Someone gave me a plane ticker to Japan for free. Things had been a bit busy so on the day itself, I was fumbling to remember which airport I had to go to. I actually ended up in a domestic airport and failed to remember the fact that the destination is Japan. After wasting time in that airport, I had to find my way to the right airport, but I couldn’t even find the right way to it. I even texted the person who gave me the ticket and my best friend to help me, but time was an enemy and I was running out of time. When I finally got my solution, I realized that I forgot my passport at home and that I actually don’t have a visa to be able to fly outside the country. In the end I just gave up and let the ticket go to waste. Everybody was disappointed at me.

I woke up.

Upon searching for the meaning of the dream from Dream Moods, my trusty dream meaning online dictionary, it gave me this answer:

To dream that you miss your flight or a connection or that it was cancelled indicates that you are feeling helpless and trapped by some situation. You feel that you are being held back, either physically or mentally. Alternatively, the dream may also suggest that you are feeling disconnected in some aspect of your life – work, relationship or home life.

I was shocked by this meaning since at work, I felt trapped by some sudden changes which I felt very frustrated about. I personally felt that change was done to inflict some sort of pain to me by my bosses to make me realize again whose power I have to submit to. I felt helpless that despite my reasons, I can’t make them change their minds about it.

I was so amused by this meaning that I shared this to my co-teachers. We all just laughed about it of course, since we’re all together in the predicament.

Now what I left out from the dream was who gave me the ticket; it was my crush.

Of course I’ve been gushing previously about my warped feelings regarding losing the feeling of liking her and wanting it back. Recently I realized that I’m not totally over her, and that she still has power over me. Sometimes I think that I just miss the feeling of liking someone because life was more thrilling with that situation.

In retrospect, this dream is also telling me that I’m trapped in this limbo of being in like with her. I guess I’ll always like her as long as we’re working in the same place. I’m always going to see her anyway, and there will always be times that we’ll talk, we’ll laugh together, and even be too close for my comfort. Some words will be said and I’ll find myself seeking her again even if I don’t want to anymore.

I guess dreams really speak for our subconscious, honest selves, doesn’t it? Crazy!

 

This is what Shojou Manga does to Me

Recently, I’ve felt that life in school has been a bit bland. Of course I’m having a lot of fun with my co-teachers and the work itself isn’t so bad, but when things have fallen into a steady stream, I can’t help but crave for something that will (kinda) make my heart leap from time to time.

(Un)fortunately, I don’t feel any fleeting flutter of the heart whenever crush is there. Somehow, it was decided that our current lunch seat is permanent, so she’s been seated across from me for a while now. If I still liked her, all her efforts of impressing me would have been a big deal to my fantasy; if it was still that time that I assumed wrongly even her obnoxious jokes would have been funny; if it was me a few months ago, her choosing to settle herself on my table (despite other prettier teachers vacant of any company), or getting a ride on her car, or touching her arms…everything would have made a great deal of stress on my heart and mind.

All those things I felt I needed to hold back saying and doing, I can do them now with a great amount of patience and welcoming on her part. I appreciate it, of course, I just can’t help but seek for the thrill of liking her before.

I guess I just miss that experience of liking somebody, no matter how much of a stress that was, I miss it. I miss the feeling of looking forward to tomorrow or even Monday just so I can see her. I miss the slight skip of my heart whenever I hear her voice through the thin walls of our school. I miss wondering why the universe has transpired to have her the first person that smiles and greet me at school no matter how bad the world started.

If this was a shojou manga, she would know about my blog, read about my feelings, how I lost it, and how I miss her now. She would realize that I’m not ignoring her nor do I hate her, and I want her attention again. She would reply to this blog and we’ll communicate more.

This is what shojou manga does to my heart. *sigh*

Eherm. Okay na.

Well, there’s nothing to say or expect anymore.

 

I guess the universe really has plans for all of us.

That day of wonder (Friday) was just the right rising action to get to the epiphany.

Seriously, what a night of revelation.

Nonetheless, thanks to my fuck of a headache, I didn’t have the energy nor will to think about that anymore before going to a deep, sweet sleep.

 

I guess everything from this point is just a falling action.

I hope.

 

 

Let me quit

I’d love to finally, finally quit smoking.

It’s been over a year since I started lessening my intake of nicotine and bravely choosing to stay clean even with the presence of a friend smoking one. Ever since I found myself loosing interest in smoking (yes, interest), I’ve cut down my intake from at least three sticks a day to zero. Quite an achievement, right? It is! Of course I indulge myself with a stick every now and then (especially with my best friend/s), but on normal days, even the working ones, I don’t find myself craving for one.

Until something happened.

These days, I find myself smoking more than what I’ve limited myself of. Last week I bought a half pack (10 sticks) and finished it yesterday. This morning, I bought a full pack (20 sticks)! My excuse is there are some very stressful days and I’m lacking quality sleep nowadays which make me sleepy in the morning at work. Moreover, I find smoking after work feels really good. I used to smoke after work when I was in Ortigas, but that was more of a routine and not because it ever really relaxed me.

Actually, one of the reasons I kinda quit smoking is because it’s not really delivering to what it should be for. Nicotine’s effect often, like caffeine, is a placebo effect. However, the stress build up at work (forgetting her and amount of work) makes me cling to the stick. To be honest, I think there’s another reason. I bigger one.

I’ve never smoked with my co-teachers until that day I had dinner with them. I was so full and smoking helped my digestion. Of course, that was also my first time to semi-bond with crush. So in retrospect, the reason I’m clinging to smoking so much is because it has brought me good things in the past, and I think I’m unconsciously expecting for the same thing to happen soon through the help of a cigarette. I catch myself wishing that we’d have an alone time smoking and sharing stories.

I knooooooooooooooooooooow. *sigh* It’s ridiculous, right?

So what do I do with the full pack? Well, I just sealed it up for now. I think I’d be smoking for quite a while until I finish it. Cigarettes are expensive after all, I can’t just throw it away. I can give it away though.

Anyhow, I plan to go back to being a social smoker very soon and just quit it eventually.

I’d be over that. I will.

Eherm: Heartbreak

I think I’m getting through one.

My feelings didn’t develop into love (thankfully) for my crush, but trying to let go and erase the feeling is proving to be very challenging.

One, there were moments when I wanted to hit my head in the wall for catching myself enveloped in a fantasy of/with her. Two, for some reason, I got easily irritated or my mood would plummet without enough valid events to support it. Moreover, my appetite is not normal. I’m not getting too jiggy with my rice. That’s so not a good sign. And finally, just thinking, knowing that I’d have to get over it is making me, well…sad. Like when your parents told you they’d buy you a doll you’ve always wanted, but suddenly they say that they’ll buy you the next best doll next time and you just agree because the choice is not yours in the end anyway.

I’m still sleeping pretty comfortably, don’t worry. I’m able distract myself well of those thoughts. Most importantly, my co-teachers are so much fun to be with, being without her in the same building doesn’t seem to lacking anymore.

Yeah, moving on. 🙂

Hopefully. (As of this moment, I’m excited for tomorrow: work. Urgh.)