Be kind for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle.

Ian McLaren (author, theologian)

 

It’s hard battling insecurities again and again. It’s tiring, but I have to persevere. We all have to.

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Facing the enemy

I feel that the longer I’m staying in my current work, the more enemies I’m making.

Of course, I don’t just pound on them and give them a good beating (although I feel that they deserve a slap or two sometimes), but my dragon-side comes out whenever these enemies are around.

I’ve never had enemies before and mainly because my life is not that adventurous to have one. So what irks me more is that these enemies are not even facing me properly. The bitches are probably having a meeting out of my snobbishness to their demands (unfair and illogical ones, mind you) and plotting how to make my work more miserable. Of course I know that they have power over me, and despite my dominant character I have to submit to them, but I don’t want to follow orders blindly.

I’m aware that I can be arrogant because I can make people feel stupid if they try to argue with me without evidence. Likewise, I wouldn’t engage myself in a debate or argument with just my feelings on the battlefield. It’s like labeling myself tactless and stupid. Although, in retrospect, I might have acted arrogant on the wrong people. I might have hit a wall too thick and high for myself to break or even cause damage, leaving me injured instead.

I guess what I learned out of my recent problems in school, in terms of dealing with bosses and parents of my students is that, they are beyond me (comprehending their illogical reasons is futile), so I should talk less, listen more, smile more, and lie more if I want to stay out of trouble. Being straight-forward with my evaluations has not earned me any merit anyway.

I just hope I can find the hole out of the latest rut I’ve managed to fall myself in. I’m dragging my dear co-teachers into my trouble and my guilt is shooting up the roof.


 

An enemy called anger is very difficult to dispel.

As much of a logical human being I want to be, when anger strikes, there goes my logic out the window. My mouth becomes a gun of foul complaints, probably bad and unfair judgment, and I harbor homicidal thoughts. I suddenly realize I am capable of real evil once angered to the hilt.

Getting angry is like drinking a very bad coffee which leaves a bitter aftertaste no matter how much spitting or tongue-brushing or gargling you make. The bitter taste remains until you forget about drinking the bad coffee and why you had to drink it in the first place.

Right now I’m not angry anymore, but I am terribly frustrated, swaying with depression, and craving for laughs. So I’ll cover myself with comfort manga and anime before going to sleep.


Finally, the greatest enemy I have to face is myself.

Woohoo, what cliche. Tse.

I think the biggest problem lies in myself.

I’ve been very lax these past two months since I’ve been enjoying the company of my new-found friends. However, while they are soaring with their work, I feel left behind. I’m suddenly losing confidence with myself since I’m not sure if I have completely understood our reading program, and I’m continuously struggling to build a good-enough program for my creative writing class so I can leave this school half sane at least. With subjects to learn and teach within five months, I feel that I have a lot to learn. Especially for someone who doesn’t have any background in early education, I should be working double, instead of mulling with this idea as a point of insecurity.

Yet here I am slacking off, having dinner here and there, watching anime and having manga-marathons until 5 in the morning. When will I ever stop procrastinating? When will I ever devote myself to this work?

I love teaching, but me and my laziness is my biggest enemy. I feel that while I have confidence that I can excel in my work if I want to, I don’t know how to stop my chronic laziness and half-assedness.

When this year began, I told myself that the changes that would happen in my life would be good for me; they would be strong and painful at times, but they would be good for me. I feel that I have adjusted well to the new changes, and I feel that more are coming, but I don’t want to be complacent with the idea of change. I don’t want to be too familiar with it, because being too familiar with something makes me forget why I decided to fix some aspects of my life in the first place.

I need to get back onĀ  whatever goal I set for myself before.

 

I have to face the enemies.