One more time

I should really subscribe to the saying “try and try until you succeed” because that would get me going every time I feel the need to give up when the going gets tough. It’s an old, rotten weakness of mine, giving up in the middle of the battle. Actually, sometimes I don’t even reach the middle of the battlefield because once I feel the danger, I scurry to the safe zone. You see, I’m not exactly a risk-taker, and ironically an impulsive person, too.

Anyhow, on my previous post I relayed the difficulty I experienced with biking to work and the dreadful reality of the effort one has to make in doing so. Well, upon going home, things were a bit smoother. I actually had fun biking towards my destination within the area as I was to meet my best friend to hang out. I guess there were more downward slopes going back. Nonetheless, the experience convinced me to give it a try again. As some of my friends said, I’ll get used to it–eventually.

So there will be more hardships, probably regrets too and more curses, but hey, I’m willing to spend more time with Ohno-kun (yep, I name all my things).

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It’s pretty, isn’t it?

Although, damn, it’s pricey maintaining a bike. Just this afternoon, my uncle pointed out that the back tire is flat. When I had it checked in a bike shop, the guy said the entire tire has to be replaced because when I rode it while unaware that it was already flat, the tire folded until it tore. So tonight’s バイト money goes to bike repair. I also have to buy a bike bell, cover, and a brand new helmet. My uncle was nice enough to give me one of his spare ones, but the image of city girl with bike gets damaged with the Marlboro passionate cyclist helmet. For now, I’ll hold on to it.

Probably should read-up more on how to maintain a bike, too. So much work!

いきましょう、オノーくん!

 

 

Happy 26th

Guuuuuuh, it’s another year added to my life. Lucky, aren’t I? Of course. Though I frequently say that age is just a number, cliche yes, but of course I can’t relate at times, as well. I thought I felt pretty old when I was 23, and not three years older, I feel much older! I can’t complain too much though, I don’t have a choice anyway.

Nonetheless, things in my life recently have been, well...well.

I’m struggling with my new work, but I’m glad my co-teachers and my boss are all open to communication so I can ask questions and guidance anytime I want. Although, that itself, a good thing, is an issue with me.

You see, I’m pretty much independent with myself. If I can grip the idea of the world by myself, I won’t bother others. However, seeing results takes a long time with this attitude. Soon enough, I’d have to change this aspect of myself and learn to depend more on others if I want to do well in this job faster. After all, the kids are not the one whose giving me pressure, it’s the parents! They can be quite demanding, I feel, if they want to. *sigh*

Anyway, happy 26th birthday to me.

To myself,

Be more patient, more hardworking, and more motivated. Be less insecure, and be less of a procrastinator. You are a good person, and try to be as good as you can be. Things will fall into place soon enough, just hang in there.

 

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Rather than smiling because things are enjoyable, I always think that if you smile there’s something enjoyable waiting for you.

Masaki Aiba 相葉 雅紀 (ARASHI/ ), Japanese Idol, singer, actor, performer, radio host

 

Hello! How’s life?

This blog has been neglected in the past week, hasn’t it? I’m very sorry about that. I couldn’t even find the time to post daily quotes. I’ve been a bit depressed due to my failed job application which I hoped for greatly from my last post. I’ve been mending the damage through watching a lot of Japanese variety shows of my favorite Japanese idol group, ARASHI (嵐); they have been very helpful, and continuously until I landed on this very touching message from Aiba-kun. Reading this message gives me hope for my unforeseeable future, and it gives me strength to continue smiling.

I am bound for three job interviews in the next few days until Friday. If I don’t land any of these jobs, the possibility of going to Japan next year for a hanami birthday would seem very bleak. I also don’t know what my mental and emotional state would be. I’m not used consistent to rejections. Nonetheless, I’m not setting my expectation too high. I just want to at least feel secured of my financial situation, especially that there’s a lot to fix in our house alone. Anyhow, if time would remain abundant, maybe I can start practicing my Nihongo again. I’m watching a lot of Japanese shows anyway, maybe I should coordinate the situation with my studies.

Anyway, I come back with renewed strength and faith in the future. I’ll try posting more often here again.

Take care, everyone!

Moving on….

This afternoon, I visited one of my older diaries/journal, the one I used and abused three years ago, and boy have I changed so much.

I love revisiting my previous diaries and even some of my old blog entries because they make me smile at my silliness, at my constant attempt at substance and profoundness, or just some recorded moments of angst and rage. It’s also amusing to trace how my views in life have changed, including my writing style. For example, there are some entries which my writing was so vague I didn’t know what I was talking about! I think in those entries I forgot to introduce the topic to my unnamed reader, so a few years forward, even I cannot remember the incident from that date. I think now, I make sure I give an introduction before I jump to the heart of the matter.

Admittedly, I have an unreliable memory, and I’m a scatterbrain in expressing my ideas verbally. I think this is one of the reasons I write my thoughts. My experience and ideas do not translate as well when I hear my voice as to when I see words making sense of my head.

Anyway (this is the heart of the matter), two years ago, I was apparently still, probably, in love with someone.

Well, it was unrequited. It’s one of those feelings I chose to struggle alone with than risk what we already have as friends. As very good friends. According to that entry from the journal, I’ve confessed some months back, but I wasn’t over it. I felt the agony that enveloped me at that time of writing. The me two years ago, was probably hunched over the notebook, with a heavy heart spilling my innermost thoughts to an idea that has remained an idea till this day. That me that wondered the “what ifs”, that remained in pain.

Well, most fortunately, three years later, I’m glad to say, I have moved on completely, 200 percent definitely over that person. I don’t dream anymore of being us in and out of my subconscious. I would be happy to whomever that person’s heart lands on, and I’d expect that good person to be the same. I’m sure of it.

Three years ago, I couldn’t imagine how I’d ever be over that idea of us because we seemed perfect together, and I wasn’t ready to kill my hope, I guess, because I still thought about it. I guess it’s the same to any problematic situation we encounter, you know, when we’re in pain, we feel as if we’re victims trapped in a bubble that’s bound to pop and our lives will fall apart, but then sometimes things in our lives have to crumble for us to learn the skills of rebuilding ourselves again, creating a stronger self and surviving with whatever we find outside the bubble.

Time does heal wounds, just give it the chance to heal your wounds.  Yeah, you’ll hurt a lot, maybe cry buckets (I never did, really), and feel very very alone, but really, once you’re out the pity party, life begins again. You’ll recover. The question is when and how. Don’t worry, you’d know. 🙂

Gatsby believed in the green light, the orgastic future that year by year recedes before us. It eluded us then, but that’s no matter – tomorrow we will run faster, stretch out our arms farther… And one fine morning – So we beat on, boats against the current, borne back ceaselessly into the past.

–Nick Carraway

 

The Great Gatsby, 2013 (film)