Day 009 – 2018.09.01

I received an email message from a Russian guy I was in an email correspondence with two years ago.

I’m not even sure how or where I met him, but I just remember having good email exchange with him. Although, the conversation somehow fizzled out with him suddenly not responding to my messages, and I just took it as a sign that our affinity must be done (or the universe was punishing me for being the one leaving the conversation on my other penpals).

I started liking this guy when we talked, but not in a big way. I think I was just curious and receiving messages from him was a nice interjection from my linear life that time. But I think I talked way to much about myself. I mean, can be very very wordy in writing.

In person though, I like listening more.

Anyhow, it’s nice. I just replied with a short message hinting that there’s a lot that has happened (which is true) and that maybe we can reconnect.

If nothing happens, then okay. If he replies, well and good. ๐Ÿ™‚

Advertisements

Day 306: 11.02.2017

You know what, I’m kind of paranoid that I didn’t get the count of the days right with this project.

Is November 2 really the 300th day of the year? EGAD PLEASE SAY YES BECAUSE I DON’T WANT TO EDIT SRZLY.

Anyhow, basically have been working on an angst fic for a whole day, but I’m stuck with which POV to use and how to end it. Nonetheless, happy that I got to write today!

Oh, and errands are done! I feel so accomplished and responsible as an adult once all bills are paid for the month. WEEE~~~

Day 302: 10.29.2017

To mend my stressed heart due to the exam yesterday, I basically just lazed around the whole day until dinner time to meet with my family. Dad’s back in the country for a month-long vacation and this is our first time to meet and have a family dinner since he landed on the 25th. Of course, my two cute nephews were automatically in my care since 1) I love them so much 2) I love my brother so I’m helping him out because these two are so much to manage 3) because I missed them!

The older one, Miguel (5) is more mature now. From the spitting dragon of a kid, he now really listens, I can have a longer conversation with him, and since he goes to school, he’s basically a student for me. LOL. It’s strange that I my teacher-switch is turned on automatically whenever there are small kids around me. And I swear, if only I can lecture my brother and his wife about the way they spoiled their younger one and how we can work on his executive function (wtf), I would’ve. If I can.

I can, technically, but you see, my brother is like the game Minesweeper. Just when you think things are okay with him, he suddenly explodes, like those mine in the game. And I rather not deal with that, thank you very much.

Anyhow, tweaked a bit of my fic and then made this as my project teaser:

There’s a Twilight Zone vibe to it which I like and kinda fits the story, so yay!

Day 295: 10.22.2017

Since deadline is in three days, I finally had the courage to start my final assignment for my last UPOU class.

Why is “courage” my choice of word? You might ask. Well, because nothing is every scary to do, it’s beginning it. Because pre-work of a task, I always welcome it with thoughts that it is dull and difficult and dragging (and believe me, it is), but it is only when you start that you realize it is indeed dull, difficult, and dragging, but at the same time, it is manageable and you actually gain something from it as you go along with it.

So anyway, I’m at least halfway done my work. It is quite a long write-up, but not so bad.

On the other hand, I haven’t started with my MES project and deadline is in a week, so let’s where my cramming will take me this time.

Day 221: 08.13.17

Finally posted a smut fic that had been sitting in my drafts folder for almost two months. It’s one of those stories I dashed to my laptop after the idea came to me, and after three hours, I had almost 3000 words worth of writing. It’s one of those stories wherein I felt I was in a trance while processing the idea to words, and it was magical.

It’s smut, so the story is within the sensual scenes.ย  Yet again, I’m not very big on plots anyway, even when I knit-pick on that as a reader and/or viewer.

I guess, I’m just very proud of this work because aside from the fact that it was made out of an ideal process, the writing itself was something I thought I’d lost.

He felt free. And although he was empty of something now, he was definitely full of affection for the young woman still connected to him, body convulsing, as if the waters of her body turned into waves, crashing inside her. She gripped the sheets, eyes shut, moans engulfed as he witnessed her fall into the entirety of her pleasure.

I’m able to use imagery like a proper lit student again! I thought after my Kagrra,-writing days, I lost the ability to use this in writing. I guess, it will always be there. Thankfully.

Day 187: 07.10.17

I am no where near the completion of my one shot for our MES project, and the universe knows how much I wanna abandon ship already, but I’m going to fight through the currents to deliver.

There’s the conflict of wanting to just make something and deliver, and having making something of quality. If I was fine with my academic papers crawling through dirt to get a passing score because of procrastination, I sure hell am not that way when it comes to writing. Writing fiction, that is.

I have my outline already, but the words just wouldn’t flow. The narration feels strained, and that’s what I’m getting so frustrated about. Of course, it doesn’t matter as much if my plot is good, but that’s the thing! I’m not very good with plots, so my stories are usually really simple, and I highlight more on character and interactions. I suppose, this is how I work. I’m really more process-driven, than result-driven.

No wonder I approve of progressive education so much.

Anyhow, this is the rut I’m in now:

  1. Language – I’m conflicted which to use: English or Filipino? I’m fairly comfortable with both, but let’s just say I’m stricter with narration in English, and I originally want this story in English because the prompt is also in English, and the idea I have is very romantic. Moreover, my stories have certain moods depending on the language: light and funny in Filipino, serious or sarcastic in English. \
  2. POV – In my first draft, I used 3rd person. They switch between characters. Then I revised it to 1st person using objects that the characters have. It was fun to do since it’s been a loooooooong while since I wrote in 1st person, but having the items POV is challenging. By the time I finished the first part, I didn’t want to continue anymore.
  3. Parts – My story will have 8 arcs, spanning of 17 years for the characters. The first part was already 1200 characters long, so I just hope that this work doesn’t end up with more than 9000 characters. I don’t like reading long works because my attention span cannot take it, so if it’s more than that, I think it should be a series already. But of course that’s just me. Some short stories are not very short. My one shots are usually under 2000, and the longest I wrote was almost 6000 which are usually for the projects. This is the reason MES projects exhaust me so much after because one one-shot feels like me writing seven of my usual length in one go.

I have until the 13th to complete my work, including revision. I already passed my teaser even without the one shot. Haha! In desperation, I borrowed a line from a fanfic I wrote years ago.

forever I'm yoursforever - one liner4

It fits anyway. Problem is, I have to stick with that line because that’s what the people know already.

/sigh

*pulls hair*

Day 163: 6.16.17

To have someone understand your mind is a different kind of intimacy.

 

For a lot of people continuously chatting for two hours is normal. Two might even be the bare minimum of a daily normal chat, but not for me.
Well, until tonight.

I just chatted for two hours straight with someone! This is an achievement! For my introverted part, this is a milestone, mind you. This person is also from our group, but she’s one of the less active member. From the beginning, I’ve felt a strange connection with her, so just one random night, I messaged her and then we hit it off great! Of course we were usually fangirling, but lots of secrets had been spilled, so that makes me trust her even more. I’m glad I’m not alone with my thoughts. She’s just the more vocal one. Haha!

Since she’s honest (and can be brutally so), I asked her opinion about my writing. I don’t have a problem with narration, but if I want more of my target readers, I have to use less jargons since it can be too much. To be honest, I’m not even sure which jargon she was talking about! So with that, I’m not really sure what to do. And it was reassuring that someone appreciates me for not caring about what others think of my work. It was a good reminder of why I started writing again in the first place because honestly, I think I’m losing that reason against all these negativity.

I also congratulate myself for being brave enough to ask for criticism. I love writing so much that I’m ultra sensitive with it. Nonetheless, I needed that. Even if she gave me really negative feedback, that would’ve been immensely hopeful, too.

Anyway, I’m very glad to have found like-minded people in this new fandom and with this group. Of course, I try to interact with everyone in the group–I try–but of course there’s only one, two, or three people that we’ll connect to in a deeper level. I’m glad I’ve met them already. ๐Ÿ™‚

Day 157: 06.10.17

It’s TEASER DAY for our MES comm in Twitter!

By Teaser Day I mean we put up posters/teasers on our account to promote to the fandom. It usually gets a very big response, but since this is the second project, I think there’s more who recognize us now. Even one of the biggest MayWard account promoted us, so…pressure?

I wasn’t that pressured actually, until I saw my co-writers’ works.

WOW.

I don’t think mine is that bad, but in comparison, mine seems half-assed and plain. To think I finished earlier than most of us.

DB9MRgHV0AI1OtV.jpg large

It took me less than 20 minutes to finish this. And yes, if you’re frowning at that now, it took me 20 minutes to finish this. Apologies.

The title of the story is “Gitling” (Hyphen). For once I had no idea what title I can give this work. I was happy with the overall flow of story (if there’s actually one), but the muse couldn’t give me a decent title, so I just used the Filipino translation of “hyphen” since that was one of my technical concerns for the Filipino words I used.

If any would bother, I think I can cook up an explanation to this title that relates to the characters anyway. Haha!

On the other hand, I think I am lacking in some elements for this challenge. Since we’re supposed to use stock characters (painter, vendor, photographer, soldier, etc.), their personality with their label should be apparent, right? Well, I got carried away with a dreamy balut vendor who studies comparative literature. LOL. I lacked description of a balut vendor’s iconic basket with suka and kropek on the side. Strange because I’m pretty sure I won’t forget these details if I wrote in English.

Oh well. Napasa ko na eh.

Again, trying my very best not to be sensitive to how people will judge my work in comparison to others. I’ll just keep in mind (and heart) how I had such fun writing that piece. โœŒ๏ธ

 

Day 155: 06.08.17

After more than two weeks, went back to tutor sideline. I need the money, but damn I’m soooooooo lazy.

Anyhow, at least I know now what my next target is for her.

Finished the draft for my MES oneshot this morning, so yay! I first thought it was MEH, but when I read it through, it’s actually fine.

I felt my first OS was boring, but when I read it again, it’s one of the best I’ve written for MayWard actually. I guess that impression was brought about by the constant stress and re-reading I had to do to complete it in several days.

Though this second OS took me more than 11 hours to finish, the stress was compressed in one day only. Moreover, I started having fun when I noticed the story and characters were just taking me to places. One idea bloomed into so many turns and the end was satisfactory, at least for me. Dialogues is not a strength of mine when it comes to writing, but this one had plenty of it! I can go on and on with a character reflecting and not speaking anything, but this one, they just talked and talked until morning. ๐Ÿ˜€

I just have to finalize and send it later.

Now onto more pressing and important life matters, summer class starts next week!

Day 153: 06.04.17

It’s supposed to be writing day, but fandom and Twitter had me held up with all the ganap of MayWard, so…

Anyway, I’ve updated this blog! YAY!

A few highlights maybe:

1) I revisited my old Nao/Shin fics and again wondered where my flare went. I think I wrote so much better before and here comes the feeling of wanting it back again. Haaaay. I thought I’ve settled with this issue with myself before, but I guess it’s part of that insecurity that will always be lurking.

Well, as long as I always triumph over the nostalgia it’s fine. Anyhow, I did enjoy reading “Of Cigarettes and Keeping a Band Together” wherein I used Izumi’s POV to narrate a Nao/Shin story. According to the post, it was the first time I featured all band members in a fic, so that was a feat. Rather than the usual stream of consciousness, I think this fic featured more movements and dialogues in narration which I always found were my weaknesses.

And of course, there’s “Median” which I consider my master piece because for the love of me, I’m very sure I won’t be able to produce again of the same quality. That story was the product of my Literature student days and Kagrra-isms. I’ll probably post it in Wattpad just to give it a new home and give the revisions it needs.

 

2) BFF nights are random conversationw while talking, so in our world, Heidi bullies a bully three times her size in sweetly spoken expletives and threats. Of course, the bully, Damulag is left speechless and probably traumatized on his spot as they talk.

Day 151: 06.02.17

Finally finished reading all entries for Twenty as I promised I would come vacation and before the second project begins.

Speaking of second project, I haven’t begun with anything for my prompt Magbabalut Edward x Supermodel Maymay. It’s an interesting prompt actually and as much as I’m tempted to have it changed, my pride won’t allow me. My mind says CHALLENGE ACCEPTED! while my heart is throwing me expletives since my mind and action are not pairing up anyway. HAHAHAHAH!

Since my writing process was put to the test the previous project, I’m reverting to the “one-seating writing of a oneshot” spontaneous process instead of the more proper “plan your shit, write in chunks, pull your hair out, but get it done until deadline bitch” process that allows me to have plenty of time to revise both content and mechanics.

Why?

Because that’s how I write!

I remember having this discussion in LIT class, but I think we can still have something in between these two processes anyway. Write everything down, like your feelings to food when very very stressed, don’t review it or publish it, just keep it to cool down for a whole day (or more) to see what needs to be fixed/changed.

The thing with spontaneous writing is that it’s mostlyย feelings, raw and unfiltered. However, I think this is the most honest kind of writing because it’s a product of what we truly feel rather than rationalizing whatever it is we are talking about. Blogs/journals are usually written this way. With literary writing, well, in my case I’ve always written this way. I let my characters and idea take me to where it will take me. This is the reason I feel that my writer persona is detached from my real self because the impression that I get from my writing style–serious, nostalgic, sentimental–is quite different from who I am as a person in general. Of course, that writer is part of me, but that writer has her own mind when it comes to what and how she writes, so at the same time, she’s not me.

WUT.

On the other hand, the other process is the ideal one for me. This is the writing process I teach my tutees, well, at least for essays I think this is essential. With planning, you get to lay out the beginning, middle, and end. There’s less chances of getting stuck because before writing the details, the bigger picture had been fleshed out. There’s also ample time to revise and the way you’ll view your work is, I suppose, more objective? Maybe. I’ve never done characterization or plotting, so I think being a novelist is a career I can strikeout of my consciousness now. Oh well, I don’t plan to be a writer anyway, I just…write. I’m not a very “proper” one, haha!

Well.

June 10 is our deadline for the teaser. I still have five days for that! But what to use as teaser when I don’t have anything for teasing! HUHUHUHU.

MUSES WHERE ART THOU!!!!

 

Day 125: 05.06.17

022817-pbbmaymay_main

Happy 20th Birthday, Maymay Entrata!

I love this girl very much. I don’t easily trust people and I am skeptic of people’s intentions and actions, but this girl is making me believe that there are people out there who are really kindhearted, pure, and can charm the heck out of people like magic.

She seems so simple, but she’s beyond the simplicity that you see physically. Actually, her simplicity is one of her best traits. As an artista, you have to be fashionable, always in your best look for the camera, but this girl remains herself. She still wears the same clothes she wore in PBB, talks the same, still the crazy old Maymay, and the people who are able to be around her prove these with their testaments.

For once, I really want to meet this girl, give her a hug, and be crazy with her even for a short while.

So as a birthday gift, our group, MES, finally released our collection of oneshots (based on prompts given to each other) in Wattpad. YAY!

TWENTY: MES Project #1

In terms of writing process, this is one most excruciating piece I’ve ever made. I usually finish a one-shot in a single seating (I think it’s called a one-shot for that), but my piece was two weeks in the making! Also, I wasn’t very satisfied with the ending, but to comply, I just really had to give it my best shot and hope for contentment.

I’ve browsed through my co-writers work and wow, mine seems so boring! HUHU! I wanted to go for light and kilig, but mine became a waterfall of introspection. Nonetheless, I’ll just subscribe to the thought that I’m claiming that writing style, whether people like it or not.

Anyway, it’s the first time I’ve collaborated with others for a fandom project, and the people I’m with I believe are very awesome individuals, so I’m proud to be part of our small community.

Congratulations to us!

Day 108: 04.19.17

Letting go is indeed necessary at times, just like how it is necessary for writers to leave their work in the dark for a while, especially when progress is bleak at the moment, and let your creativity replenish the next days.

After two days, I decided to go back to MES project at McDonalds. Haha!

Surprisingly, as I was reading the draft I made, I realized that it wasn’t as bad as I thought it was when I was writing it. Apparently, my emotions clouded my judgment, thus, I viewed it as BLEH. Well, it was 50% bleh, but with a few tweaks here and there, I was able to save 70% of the initial draft. Probably the muses at that time were really active, but the plot holes are fixed now too.

Now, I’ll attempt at finishing the draft today and hopefully do more revisions in the following days. Things are also getting busier at school with the field trip tomorrow, the event I’m in charge of (which will be in less than three weeks), planning for the year-end celebration, grid for next week and PTCs, I DON’T HAVE TIME FOR FANDOM.

BUT I ALWAYS FIND A WAY. HAHA!

Day 106: 04.16.17

Ahhhh…the dream is about to end.

It’s Easter already, so this also marks the last day of the holy week, and our vacation. Well, we’re not going back to school yet, but the life of a teacher is never secluded in the four walls of the classroom. A lot of our preparation happen beyond it. Thus, though I enjoyed my vacation writing and chilling at home as much as I could, there were times I had to slap myself and attend to some school matters in-between.

Tomorrow we have an ocular visit to Manila Ocean Park!!! Woot woot! The only part I like about school field trips is the ocular visit because I get to enjoy it without having the need to manage behavior and safety of our little dinosaurs. So this work-related visit signifies the beginning of Term 6, even if I’m still outside the classroom.

On other pressing matter, I’m getting so frustrated with our MayWard writing project. The prompt given to me is not bad nor I’m having problems with generating ideas. The ideas are actually abundant and I’ve thought of several ways of writing it, but I haven’t made a choice. The one that best appeals to me is angst (again) which I don’t want to write if it’s really going to be given to Maymay (and will be effin’ read by Edward). Since it’s for her birthday, I want it to be light. Fluff, comedy, and romance should be the genres I’m aiming for. Guuuh, the pressure is on!

To be honest, this pressure is taking so much toll on me that I cannot complete my sleep properly. Today, I slept at 4:30 AM because I finished a fic, then I woke up at 10 AM. That’s only 5 and half hours of sleep, on a freagin Sunday, and it’s NOT GOOD. Moreover, I woke up thinking about it. THE FUDGE!

Recently, I’ve started plotting a series and I wanna write it as soon as possible. At the same time, I want to finish with this prompt now because we have to release teasers on the 24th, and I’ll be busy with work (school and tutor) this whole week, where will I find the time to write that then? I’m torn between just letting it slide for now and focus on other things I wanna write until the right muse for it taps me on the shoulder, or just write a draft, ANY, because perhaps I just need a jump start.

HAAAAY. It’s good to be writing and all, especially, it’s an honor to be part of what seem to be an exclusive group of writers in our fandom, but my rhythm is suddenly shaken, and frankly, I just don’t like pressure. Well, who does anyway.

ANYWHO, despite my rants, I know I will still win over this challenge! AJA!

Thinking of an old friend

Visiting an old fictional series I wrote years ago, I realized how I missed writing, just like how I sometimes suddenly miss an old friend.

As I perused the work, the carefully selected words to create a world and images that paints a picture in the head, I thought…I would never be able to write the same way again. The realization was devastating, but as with life, we move on from the pain.

Well.

I love writing.

May it be someone else’s or me doing the act, I love it. I’ve said it before and I’ll repeat it always, it had saved me from a dull perception of my waking days as an adolescent. I didn’t have any heartbreaks or big challenges during that period, and perhaps that was exactly the reason I detested the linearity of my waking life: I was bored; writing was my escape. It was my friend in all those afternoons alone in the house with uncertain thoughts and increasing questions of lurking conspiracies, the other side of life, and if life was just a dream.

Somehow, through the years, I developed a love for stories, and I was able to produce more stories: lengthier, more varied, and more imaginative. Eventually, I gave birth to a story which, until now, makes me feel that I dreamed the whole time I wrote it. I love dreaming. I loved writing it. Even when I revisited it today, I still couldn’t believe where my words came from, and couldn’t help but wonder where my words are today.

Those words, those thoughts, the vitality I once had in my stories and as a writer, perhaps ran away along with my age. I pushed it back as far as I could to place what life demanded I give priority to, and after several years of not pulling them back to the surface, they realized it was time to walk away.

Nonetheless, I could say that in my early 20s I was able to create a master piece. My master piece.

I understand now that I don’t have to be so frustrated anymore whenever I try to write and the same feel does not come out. I can’t have it back. I can’t have that time back. Time is an evasive lover. You can have it for a while, lather yourself within its attention, but it will always run away with the memories you created, and you will always, always long for it. Thus, I can never recreate the story I wrote when I was 22 years old. That 22 year old me had different dreams, perspectives, and voice. I am 28 now, way past the quarter life and underway the third decade, so perhaps I can produce a story someday that will speak of who I am at 25, 28, or even 30.

I can’t be the same awesome writer I once thought of as my younger self because I cannot go back in time, but I can be a different kind of writer now. Maybe I won’t be as good, I’m sure it will even be rusty; nonetheless, the 28-year-old writer has strengths the 22-year-old doesn’t have, so perhaps I can raise myself up and move forward from that.

I know, I would never write the same way again.

I am accepting it.

A Not-so- Creative Rant

Forgive me, but let me drawl out a drama building inside me for a veeeeery long time. Mind you, this is not even the first time, so that means this topic is getting me very depressed probably.

Alright. Breathe…

So it’s been five months since I started with my new work as a teacher. My classes in reading are better, but my work as a writing (creative writing) teacher is not actually going anywhere. To be fair, there was a time when I thought I was going somewhere, but then these days I feel like I’ve hit the insecurity wall again and I’m stuck trying to get out. Suddenly, I can’t find my way to organize my class, and I’m frustrated as ever with the word “creative” in my writing class. I am pressured that my students have to write awesome stories at the end of day. In addition, what a hard act to follow the previous teacher of this subject was!

Despite nobody outright comparing me to his skills, I can’t help but put a pressure on myself. I majored in literature and I like writing, so I should know how to teach writing. That’s not true of course, but as I said, I can’t help but make this as a standard for myself. Especially since I’m teaching the subject, I have to believe that I can do it or else I should just quit this altogether.

To be fair to mysef, I do believe I can do it. The problem is I get so disheartened, distracted, and lazy so easily that I can’t improve well. The progress is stagard, and like my other students, I tend to regress.

Sad stories of adults, I tell you.

Moreover, creativity, I feel, is something I’ve always lacked. I’d only feel creative after being able to write something without being inspired by other writers; when the flow of words came from a bathroom break, a one-liner that popped in my head, an image, or something given by nature and I’m able to pen it down, that is when I feel creative.

In the most unfortunate circumstances, I am experiencing a block, no, I’m stuck behind a wall and whining in front of that wall about why I can’t get myself to write again while I have a job of teaching writing.

(Something tells me I’m part of a tragedy and the chorus is singing these very words I’m forging. Oh the irony of this piece!)

I used to love writing. It was my salvation when I couldn’t get myself to express my anger in words to the world. Writing was my self-imposed therapy which fortunately evolved into loving the craft itself, so I was able to produce proper written works like my own scripts, short-stories, poem, essays, etc. Heck, I even joined the newspaper clubs of my primary and secondary schools. Although I’ve always felt that I lacked something in terms of talent, but I’ve been a devoted writer.

Well, I have been a devoted writer. How tragic the feeling of writing that in the past tense.

With this predicament, how do I survive my classes so far? I prepare activities and that’s it. The goal is to get a class over and done with without shaming myself of my doubts and confusion. In retrospect, I have a feeling that the reason some of my classes are unsuccessful is because the students can also sense my unsureness. I mean, I have very good classes, the ones which are well-prepared. On the other hand, I have classes which I’d want the ground to open up and swallow me whole because of the stress of my students trying to bully me and outright testing my mastery of the subject. I sort of remember kids being able to sense fear from adults well.

In conclusion, I think I have to go back to writing if I want to succeed in teaching writing. Of course this isn’t only for my classes’ sake, but I personally want to go back to writing again. I miss the feeling of the words and inspiration polluting my brain.

When do I want this to happen? Write now! (cue in drums!)

After 60 days…

It’s been a while, hasn’t it? Ah, yes, a lot has happened since then.

Well, what’s up?

For me, things are getting better. I really don’t want to jinx the good vibes by being definite about my comfort in my new work place, but things are better and I should share it!

After two months, my efforts to connect to my new co-teachers have finally paid off. I can now share things about myself and my life with comfort, and most especially joke around with them. It’s not joke, but being able to joke around with a person is my own personal stamp of approval to that person as a good co-worker or potential friend. As of now, I can’t really say that my co-teachers are friends, but they are definitely great co-teachers. I’m finally able to connect with them not only on a business level, but personal, too. So I’m kinda sad that one of the teachers who has helped me build a connection to others is quitting soon. I definitely have to have a picture taken tomorrow!

In terms of the work itself, my reading classes are much better. Unknowingly, I’ve observed keenly to learn from my co-teachers, and I did my part of reading about the program and how to handle this kind of class. Application of learned knowledge is essential!

Regarding my creative writing class, well, that’s something that needs more of my attention now. As a lone CW teacher with a weak background on the subject, I have to push myself more. The students for this class are more aggressive and independent. I can feel them trying to overpower me, at some point, to bully me. Well, they can try, but I don’t really think they can. Adults couldn’t, how can they? Haha~ Anyhow, I really have to pay more attention to this class as it’s been two months, but I feel my progress is still sloooooooow. It leaves me frustrated and lacking every time. I feel bad for the students, too.

To be honest, for a person who has turned her back on writing for a long time, just to suddenly be given writing as a job is frustrating. It feels like my insecurity hunting me, closing the walls on me. Well, I’ll take it as a challenge. In the long run, I might be able to write again! I passionately wish for that.

Anyhow, I also need to work on adjusting my attitude to students! Damn, I need to learn how to be strict! I can’t be too yielding and friendly all the time. Those smarty pants will outsmart me. Hmp!

There’s a lot to learn from this work, but I find myself having fun. What an amusing ordeal. Oh well!

 

2014-05-23-16-20-56