Day 125: 05.06.17

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Happy 20th Birthday, Maymay Entrata!

I love this girl very much. I don’t easily trust people and I am skeptic of people’s intentions and actions, but this girl is making me believe that there are people out there who are really kindhearted, pure, and can charm the heck out of people like magic.

She seems so simple, but she’s beyond the simplicity that you see physically. Actually, her simplicity is one of her best traits. As an artista, you have to be fashionable, always in your best look for the camera, but this girl remains herself. She still wears the same clothes she wore in PBB, talks the same, still the crazy old Maymay, and the people who are able to be around her prove these with their testaments.

For once, I really want to meet this girl, give her a hug, and be crazy with her even for a short while.

So as a birthday gift, our group, MES, finally released our collection of oneshots (based on prompts given to each other) in Wattpad. YAY!

TWENTY: MES Project #1

In terms of writing process, this is one most excruciating piece I’ve ever made. I usually finish a one-shot in a single seating (I think it’s called a one-shot for that), but my piece was two weeks in the making! Also, I wasn’t very satisfied with the ending, but to comply, I just really had to give it my best shot and hope for contentment.

I’ve browsed through my co-writers work and wow, mine seems so boring! HUHU! I wanted to go for light and kilig, but mine became a waterfall of introspection. Nonetheless, I’ll just subscribe to the thought that I’m claiming that writing style, whether people like it or not.

Anyway, it’s the first time I’ve collaborated with others for a fandom project, and the people I’m with I believe are very awesome individuals, so I’m proud to be part of our small community.

Congratulations to us!

Day 108: 04.19.17

Letting go is indeed necessary at times, just like how it is necessary for writers to leave their work in the dark for a while, especially when progress is bleak at the moment, and let your creativity replenish the next days.

After two days, I decided to go back to MES project at McDonalds. Haha!

Surprisingly, as I was reading the draft I made, I realized that it wasn’t as bad as I thought it was when I was writing it. Apparently, my emotions clouded my judgment, thus, I viewed it as BLEH. Well, it was 50% bleh, but with a few tweaks here and there, I was able to save 70% of the initial draft. Probably the muses at that time were really active, but the plot holes are fixed now too.

Now, I’ll attempt at finishing the draft today and hopefully do more revisions in the following days. Things are also getting busier at school with the field trip tomorrow, the event I’m in charge of (which will be in less than three weeks), planning for the year-end celebration, grid for next week and PTCs, I DON’T HAVE TIME FOR FANDOM.

BUT I ALWAYS FIND A WAY. HAHA!

Day 106: 04.16.17

Ahhhh…the dream is about to end.

It’s Easter already, so this also marks the last day of the holy week, and our vacation. Well, we’re not going back to school yet, but the life of a teacher is never secluded in the four walls of the classroom. A lot of our preparation happen beyond it. Thus, though I enjoyed my vacation writing and chilling at home as much as I could, there were times I had to slap myself and attend to some school matters in-between.

Tomorrow we have an ocular visit to Manila Ocean Park!!! Woot woot! The only part I like about school field trips is the ocular visit because I get to enjoy it without having the need to manage behavior and safety of our little dinosaurs. So this work-related visit signifies the beginning of Term 6, even if I’m still outside the classroom.

On other pressing matter, I’m getting so frustrated with our MayWard writing project. The prompt given to me is not bad nor I’m having problems with generating ideas. The ideas are actually abundant and I’ve thought of several ways of writing it, but I haven’t made a choice. The one that best appeals to me is angst (again) which I don’t want to write if it’s really going to be given to Maymay (and will be effin’ read by Edward). Since it’s for her birthday, I want it to be light. Fluff, comedy, and romance should be the genres I’m aiming for. Guuuh, the pressure is on!

To be honest, this pressure is taking so much toll on me that I cannot complete my sleep properly. Today, I slept at 4:30 AM because I finished a fic, then I woke up at 10 AM. That’s only 5 and half hours of sleep, on a freagin Sunday, and it’s NOT GOOD. Moreover, I woke up thinking about it. THE FUDGE!

Recently, I’ve started plotting a series and I wanna write it as soon as possible. At the same time, I want to finish with this prompt now because we have to release teasers on the 24th, and I’ll be busy with work (school and tutor) this whole week, where will I find the time to write that then? I’m torn between just letting it slide for now and focus on other things I wanna write until the right muse for it taps me on the shoulder, or just write a draft, ANY, because perhaps I just need a jump start.

HAAAAY. It’s good to be writing and all, especially, it’s an honor to be part of what seem to be an exclusive group of writers in our fandom, but my rhythm is suddenly shaken, and frankly, I just don’t like pressure. Well, who does anyway.

ANYWHO, despite my rants, I know I will still win over this challenge! AJA!

Thinking of an old friend

Visiting an old fictional series I wrote years ago, I realized how I missed writing, just like how I sometimes suddenly miss an old friend.

As I perused the work, the carefully selected words to create a world and images that paints a picture in the head, I thought…I would never be able to write the same way again. The realization was devastating, but as with life, we move on from the pain.

Well.

I love writing.

May it be someone else’s or me doing the act, I love it. I’ve said it before and I’ll repeat it always, it had saved me from a dull perception of my waking days as an adolescent. I didn’t have any heartbreaks or big challenges during that period, and perhaps that was exactly the reason I detested the linearity of my waking life: I was bored; writing was my escape. It was my friend in all those afternoons alone in the house with uncertain thoughts and increasing questions of lurking conspiracies, the other side of life, and if life was just a dream.

Somehow, through the years, I developed a love for stories, and I was able to produce more stories: lengthier, more varied, and more imaginative. Eventually, I gave birth to a story which, until now, makes me feel that I dreamed the whole time I wrote it. I love dreaming. I loved writing it. Even when I revisited it today, I still couldn’t believe where my words came from, and couldn’t help but wonder where my words are today.

Those words, those thoughts, the vitality I once had in my stories and as a writer, perhaps ran away along with my age. I pushed it back as far as I could to place what life demanded I give priority to, and after several years of not pulling them back to the surface, they realized it was time to walk away.

Nonetheless, I could say that in my early 20s I was able to create a master piece. My master piece.

I understand now that I don’t have to be so frustrated anymore whenever I try to write and the same feel does not come out. I can’t have it back. I can’t have that time back. Time is an evasive lover. You can have it for a while, lather yourself within its attention, but it will always run away with the memories you created, and you will always, always long for it. Thus, I can never recreate the story I wrote when I was 22 years old. That 22 year old me had different dreams, perspectives, and voice. I am 28 now, way past the quarter life and underway the third decade, so perhaps I can produce a story someday that will speak of who I am at 25, 28, or even 30.

I can’t be the same awesome writer I once thought of as my younger self because I cannot go back in time, but I can be a different kind of writer now. Maybe I won’t be as good, I’m sure it will even be rusty; nonetheless, the 28-year-old writer has strengths the 22-year-old doesn’t have, so perhaps I can raise myself up and move forward from that.

I know, I would never write the same way again.

I am accepting it.

A Not-so- Creative Rant

Forgive me, but let me drawl out a drama building inside me for a veeeeery long time. Mind you, this is not even the first time, so that means this topic is getting me very depressed probably.

Alright. Breathe…

So it’s been five months since I started with my new work as a teacher. My classes in reading are better, but my work as a writing (creative writing) teacher is not actually going anywhere. To be fair, there was a time when I thought I was going somewhere, but then these days I feel like I’ve hit the insecurity wall again and I’m stuck trying to get out. Suddenly, I can’t find my way to organize my class, and I’m frustrated as ever with the word “creative” in my writing class. I am pressured that my students have to write awesome stories at the end of day. In addition, what a hard act to follow the previous teacher of this subject was!

Despite nobody outright comparing me to his skills, I can’t help but put a pressure on myself. I majored in literature and I like writing, so I should know how to teach writing. That’s not true of course, but as I said, I can’t help but make this as a standard for myself. Especially since I’m teaching the subject, I have to believe that I can do it or else I should just quit this altogether.

To be fair to mysef, I do believe I can do it. The problem is I get so disheartened, distracted, and lazy so easily that I can’t improve well. The progress is stagard, and like my other students, I tend to regress.

Sad stories of adults, I tell you.

Moreover, creativity, I feel, is something I’ve always lacked. I’d only feel creative after being able to write something without being inspired by other writers; when the flow of words came from a bathroom break, a one-liner that popped in my head, an image, or something given by nature and I’m able to pen it down, that is when I feel creative.

In the most unfortunate circumstances, I am experiencing a block, no, I’m stuck behind a wall and whining in front of that wall about why I can’t get myself to write again while I have a job of teaching writing.

(Something tells me I’m part of a tragedy and the chorus is singing these very words I’m forging. Oh the irony of this piece!)

I used to love writing. It was my salvation when I couldn’t get myself to express my anger in words to the world. Writing was my self-imposed therapy which fortunately evolved into loving the craft itself, so I was able to produce proper written works like my own scripts, short-stories, poem, essays, etc. Heck, I even joined the newspaper clubs of my primary and secondary schools. Although I’ve always felt that I lacked something in terms of talent, but I’ve been a devoted writer.

Well, I have been a devoted writer. How tragic the feeling of writing that in the past tense.

With this predicament, how do I survive my classes so far? I prepare activities and that’s it. The goal is to get a class over and done with without shaming myself of my doubts and confusion. In retrospect, I have a feeling that the reason some of my classes are unsuccessful is because the students can also sense my unsureness. I mean, I have very good classes, the ones which are well-prepared. On the other hand, I have classes which I’d want the ground to open up and swallow me whole because of the stress of my students trying to bully me and outright testing my mastery of the subject. I sort of remember kids being able to sense fear from adults well.

In conclusion, I think I have to go back to writing if I want to succeed in teaching writing. Of course this isn’t only for my classes’ sake, but I personally want to go back to writing again. I miss the feeling of the words and inspiration polluting my brain.

When do I want this to happen? Write now! (cue in drums!)

After 60 days…

It’s been a while, hasn’t it? Ah, yes, a lot has happened since then.

Well, what’s up?

For me, things are getting better. I really don’t want to jinx the good vibes by being definite about my comfort in my new work place, but things are better and I should share it!

After two months, my efforts to connect to my new co-teachers have finally paid off. I can now share things about myself and my life with comfort, and most especially joke around with them. It’s not joke, but being able to joke around with a person is my own personal stamp of approval to that person as a good co-worker or potential friend. As of now, I can’t really say that my co-teachers are friends, but they are definitely great co-teachers. I’m finally able to connect with them not only on a business level, but personal, too. So I’m kinda sad that one of the teachers who has helped me build a connection to others is quitting soon. I definitely have to have a picture taken tomorrow!

In terms of the work itself, my reading classes are much better. Unknowingly, I’ve observed keenly to learn from my co-teachers, and I did my part of reading about the program and how to handle this kind of class. Application of learned knowledge is essential!

Regarding my creative writing class, well, that’s something that needs more of my attention now. As a lone CW teacher with a weak background on the subject, I have to push myself more. The students for this class are more aggressive and independent. I can feel them trying to overpower me, at some point, to bully me. Well, they can try, but I don’t really think they can. Adults couldn’t, how can they? Haha~ Anyhow, I really have to pay more attention to this class as it’s been two months, but I feel my progress is still sloooooooow. It leaves me frustrated and lacking every time. I feel bad for the students, too.

To be honest, for a person who has turned her back on writing for a long time, just to suddenly be given writing as a job is frustrating. It feels like my insecurity hunting me, closing the walls on me. Well, I’ll take it as a challenge. In the long run, I might be able to write again! I passionately wish for that.

Anyhow, I also need to work on adjusting my attitude to students! Damn, I need to learn how to be strict! I can’t be too yielding and friendly all the time. Those smarty pants will outsmart me. Hmp!

There’s a lot to learn from this work, but I find myself having fun. What an amusing ordeal. Oh well!

 

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Friends, work, and writing

Friends: you love them or you hate them, or sometimes you’re just kinda lukewarm to them, but that’s better than not having anything between each other at all.

きょうは めちゃ たのしかった!
(Yesterday was super fun!)

I met up with my good ‘ol college buds over dinner and coffee. I believe I have recently written about the friend whom I have a falling out with but has reconciled recently, right?

Okay. Yesterday was really nice because there was not a single bad nerve between us. We were laughing all over, being loud while giggling in-between, and it was like college all over again. Of course there’s the lingering questions regarding his “dark period” which he apologized to me about, however, I think that would be saved for another time.

The thing is, I tried to summon the matter out of him, but he didn’t want to talk about it with my other friends. Through experience, I know that the only way to extract the answers from him is through patience and trust that he trusts me enough to talk, I shall have to wait. However, I am good friends with another of our mutual friend whom he’s having issues with and I’m again sandwiched between people I really love who probably hates each other.

This is not the first time I’m in the gray area between my friends’ quarrels. It’s not that I have no loyalty, but I believe in point of view. Also, I don’t want to lose both their companies, and I’m thankful enough that they still want to be my friend despite my inconsistencies.

Anyway, I certainly missed my friends. I’m so happy that we all have stable jobs (eherm for me because not yet), we are happy enough to be able to laugh when together, and we’re still the same old crazy lit folks back in college.

To be honest, being with my college friends gave me a high as the situation in my workplace is still something I cannot comprehend.

In all my past workplaces, I was able to establish friendship in less than a month. Yes, friends. In the school, it’s going to be a month in four days, yet my relationship with them remains as “colleagues”. I told my good friend, Joanna, that they are probably not my “kind of crowd”.

It’s not that my co-workers are mean to me (although I can feel one of them not liking me very much, or I probably don’t matter enough to be  given attention), they are actually pretty nice and funny, but I think they’re not the kind of people I’d be hanging out with after work.

As arrogant as it may sound, there is a “crowd” that I hang out. Ironically, I can’t define these kinds of people because my friends have diverse personalities. It’s a matter of compatibility and impression maybe? I don’t know.

It feels horrible for me not to be able to control the situation in my environment, so despite my progress with the work, I can’t completely feel the achievement because I feel stuck with my relationship with the people I work with. I’m probably the one with the problem because I can’t seem to open up to them. The awkwardness of unfamiliarity gets to me.

Oh well, it’s only been a month. I’m gonna stay positive. I want to make at least one friend here in the school because I wanna stay here for a long time, I swear.

On a [final] side-note, it’s flattering that most of my friends who write well are still urging me to go back to writing. Maybe it’s just my fantasy, but that makes me feel that they believe in my skills, even if I’ve been on a long-term cool-off with writing for a while now.

Of course I want to be able to write again. I want to stop being afraid of what I would read on paper, I want to stop being concerned of my content. I just want my creativity with words to flow again.

*sigh*

Anyway, as I always say, がんばります!