Day 145 – 2018.25.05

I’m fine with birthday parties in the classroom, really. I just don’t like it when the parents’ don’t coordinate properly with us.

I mean, WTF. I’ve been asking them for their plans for a week now, then they just say they’ll communicate soon, then the party happens with games and all this shit and the teachers are FUCKED.

Classroom management is intentional and planned, so what the heck happens when there’s impulsive decisions injected to our daily plan? WE FEEL FUCKED (and not in a good way, demmet)!

Egad this day is so… urgh.

Day 143 – 2018.23.05

I have to chill. CHILL.

Michelle, pause the paranoia, trust your partners and don’t swallow more than you can chew. Don’t overstep others just because you’re stressed. It’s not right and it’s not respectful to others.

Day 141 – 2018.21.05

Well, well, well.
I knew it. I knew that there would be backlash with my opposition to my boss’ proposal. I’m fine with the backlash, I expected it because she was embarrassed (even if she deserved it, really), but to attack others because she’s stressed? I hate that.

It makes me feel guilty and it makes me look bad. Fuck.

Patience. Resilience.

Day 138 – 2018.18.05

Went out with Mao on a Friday because she wanted to have the Coco Milktea in Uptown. This is a famous milktea shop in Taiwan which we, strangely, forgot to stop over when we were there last year.

Well, I didn’t want any cold milktea that time anyway, it was freezing!

Anyhow, a night out with my bestfriend is also a good time to vent out some steam from work. I just proposed to the entire staff that I’ll take care of the uniform for next year just because I don’t find the Uniqlo shirts practical for the uniform. Moreover, the price is waaaaaaaaaay over the top for a uniform–we are going to pay for–so what the fuck.

That was freakin bold of me, and I was actually prepared for it. I didn’t mean to put my boss on the spot, but her bypassing our opinion about it is also disrespectful to us. So, I can probably asses this as a situation she brought upon herself.

I just hope I can actually get this project in motion. And I have a feeling she’s going to target my class for this. Guuuugh. I’ll gear up for battle just in case.

Day 137 – 2018.17.05

Continuing with my class’ Memory Book, we had the kids draw a picture of the teachers since we did not have any printed ones prepared. It was also a fascinating exploration of how the children perceived us.

To be honest, I kind of have an agenda to this because I wanted to see how the kids will draw me. I’m not the popular teacher in class because I’m the bad cop, but I still insisted on witnessing how true this is.

Well. OUCH.

Majority of my students evidently drew my partner in fancier clothes, bigger sizes, and evidently with more color. Obviously, they like her over me and they’re pretty vocal about it.

I’d like to suspend my emotions on this since I was determined from the beginning of the school year that I have the upper hand with the discipline and I’m bound to be hated because of it. This all rooted from last year’s experience of being too lenient and concerned about being liked, so I opted for a firmer personality this year. However, I failed to repeatedly take into consideration that these kids this year are the more affectionate ones, so me going too strict on them was not a very effective and affective strategy in managing the class. In terms of management, I think I was pretty consistent, but I think at some point, I lost the personal connection which is integral to children.

Indeed, I sacrificed this aspect to have my class well-managed somehow as much as I could, but since we’re almost done with the school year, perhaps I can make it up to them. I want them to have a good memory of me, at least. I’m not vying for the favorite position, my partner earned that pretty well (I like her a lot too!), but at least have them feel that I was tough on them, but it all came from a place of love and care.

I’m somehow having pre-year end nostalgia. *sigh*

Day 057 – 2018.26.02

So much to think about our upcoming field trip on Wednesday!

I just really really hope no one cries as we’ll be seeing dinosaurs–close to real ones at that.

Anyway, I realized that I like this kind of busy, even if it’s a bit stressful, but work-kind of busy when you’re accomplishing things one by one, it’s good.

On the other hand, I’ve increased my Goodreads challenge from 10 to 20 as I’m already done by mid-Feb. I don’t want my book-reading phase to end soon, so I thought I’d increase the challenge just to get me going for more.

On the other hand, I really really want to continue reading MALEC fics too, so that’s kind of counter-productive to this challenge. LOL.

Oh well!

Day 272: 09.29.2017

There are times definitely times when arguing with someone, despite having the urge to defend a point, becomes moot when said someone is a crazy old woman that’s probably a victim now of her own aging process.

Oh well. At least that was a better episode of my boss’ nonsensical litany and frantic over really small stuff. We went home without a sour taste in our mouth, instead, an amusement of that brand of accidental comedy.

Day 258: 09.15.17

You know that feeling that tells you to stop even when you know you’re doing the right things?

Somehow, I feel like shutting up about my opinions in our school staff meetings because I’m always just the one speaking out. They might think I’m being obnoxious. I’m starting to feel obnoxious about myself, too.

It’s just that I usually feel that it’s my job to talk about sensitive topics because no one is willing to do so. I’d sacrifice impression if it means bringing about some resolutions to issue. But it’s kind of demotivating when I started feeling like I’m the only one who would be doing this all the time. I wanted to inspire voice, not make my co-teachers dependent on me. So even though I feel that it’s right to speak about things I feel should be honestly laid out on the table, I think I’d have to slow down somehow.

Haaay.

Dream: Missed Flight

So I had this dream last week which goes like this:

Someone gave me a plane ticker to Japan for free. Things had been a bit busy so on the day itself, I was fumbling to remember which airport I had to go to. I actually ended up in a domestic airport and failed to remember the fact that the destination is Japan. After wasting time in that airport, I had to find my way to the right airport, but I couldn’t even find the right way to it. I even texted the person who gave me the ticket and my best friend to help me, but time was an enemy and I was running out of time. When I finally got my solution, I realized that I forgot my passport at home and that I actually don’t have a visa to be able to fly outside the country. In the end I just gave up and let the ticket go to waste. Everybody was disappointed at me.

I woke up.

Upon searching for the meaning of the dream from Dream Moods, my trusty dream meaning online dictionary, it gave me this answer:

To dream that you miss your flight or a connection or that it was cancelled indicates that you are feeling helpless and trapped by some situation. You feel that you are being held back, either physically or mentally. Alternatively, the dream may also suggest that you are feeling disconnected in some aspect of your life – work, relationship or home life.

I was shocked by this meaning since at work, I felt trapped by some sudden changes which I felt very frustrated about. I personally felt that change was done to inflict some sort of pain to me by my bosses to make me realize again whose power I have to submit to. I felt helpless that despite my reasons, I can’t make them change their minds about it.

I was so amused by this meaning that I shared this to my co-teachers. We all just laughed about it of course, since we’re all together in the predicament.

Now what I left out from the dream was who gave me the ticket; it was my crush.

Of course I’ve been gushing previously about my warped feelings regarding losing the feeling of liking her and wanting it back. Recently I realized that I’m not totally over her, and that she still has power over me. Sometimes I think that I just miss the feeling of liking someone because life was more thrilling with that situation.

In retrospect, this dream is also telling me that I’m trapped in this limbo of being in like with her. I guess I’ll always like her as long as we’re working in the same place. I’m always going to see her anyway, and there will always be times that we’ll talk, we’ll laugh together, and even be too close for my comfort. Some words will be said and I’ll find myself seeking her again even if I don’t want to anymore.

I guess dreams really speak for our subconscious, honest selves, doesn’t it? Crazy!