Reflections: The Good and the Sad

I’m very happy with the direction and flow of our staff meeting this year. I particularly like the way our curriculum coordinators explain concepts and always relate it to how I always envision a progressive education should be.

In one of our activities, we were made to list down our “strengths” and “weaknesses”. We were given about five minutes to do this. It’s not an easy task, but manageable if only you have a more forgiving perception of yourself.

Why did I say this?

I think a lot of my co-teacher struggled with writing down what they are good at so they opted to list down the things they need to improve on first, even if our trainer already made a disclaimer prior that we should put that down that Pinoy cultural hat of voicing out our strengths as “pagmamayabang” (showing off) because we have to accept our strengths and be proud of it! I understand this though because it’s much easier (and somehow more accepted) to criticize ourselves than feel proud of it openly.

In my case, I started reflecting with what I’m good at. The sure-hit things I do in class that I can be proud of to say or share to my colleagues. When I started listing them down and the list was satisfactorily long, I felt very good about it.

This reflective activity made me realize that I should be proud of myself of what I have accomplished so far as a teacher. Yes, the list of what I should improve on is longer, but at least I can count on my strengths to improve myself, or at least serve as motivation.

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In our discussion about the neuroscience of child development, particular how at different ages and stages, our brains have plasticity or the capacity to develop various synapses in different areas of the brain as we make experience and make sense of the world.

Our coordinator emphasized the first 1000 days of the child (from the 3rd trimester of pregnancy up to age 2) is the most crucial to brain development. Why? Take a look at this:

One can definitely see that the highest points for sensory, language, and cognitive functions are within the first years of a child’s life, after that it curves down as we grow older. Of course, it doesn’t mean that we don’t develop our brain anymore, it’s just that there is a decline in inherent neuro development. Thus, as we grow older, we need to put more effort in exercising our brain to support it’s development to accommodate and assimilate new information and skills, just like in this image:

This is a good explanation as to why as we grow older, the slower we automatically comprehend novel experiences. However, if growing up, we developed our executive functions (working memory, inhibitory control, mental flexibility) properly and continuously, then we don’t struggle as hard as we should against this natural biological decline of our brain functioning.

And as much as this information was definitely interesting, it also made me feel sad.

I thought about all the children who are in abusive families, the neglected ones, the unloved ones. They are the ones whose stress response systems are put into overdrive and never really gets turned off even when the stress has dissipated.  Toxic stress, especially in childhood, alters the brain:

I guess this is one of the reasons, why children who had a rough childhood grow into adulthood with difficulty connecting to the world at large and tend to be the ones dubbed as academically weak and emotionally unstable later in life. Remember, the amount of effort we need rises as our neuroplasticity declines as we age, what more for a person whose neurons had been damaged since childhood?

With this, my take away is that this is the main reason why it is our duty as teachers, as responsible social members to protect and nurture children as best as we can. Interventions are important to be implemented as soon as we see a child needs it because time is ticking for everyone.

Day 152 – 2018.01.06

In the beginning of the school year, I admit to be hung up on my previous class. Understandable, it was my first class, so those kids, that classroom was my first love–so to speak. Eventually, I learned to embrace this new class, acclimatized myself with my new partner, my new role as a senior, my new personality that comes with the role, and the profile of these students.

There had been many good memories, some tiring ones, unbelievable moments, and also regrets.

In the desire to manage my class better this year, I was a strict teacher. Learning from the mistakes of last year, being a bad cop wasn’t so bad if it meant keeping everyone safe and sound and the teachers sane. But as they said, one size does not fit all, so my adjustment to this batch as being a strict cop did not fit them very well. It worked for a while, but I was too arrogant in my place to adjust to the changing climate, and I was basically left behind.

I suddenly found my kids distant and obviously preferring my much prettier, much taller, much slimmer, much nicer partner. They were very vocal with it also. The contrast was so stark, even in personality that I was just branded as the “teacher” while they affectionately calls her “mama”. From this, I think my insecurity just went up the roof without me noticing it, so I made sure I was in control of everything, well, at least in hind sight.

For what my first batch of kids lack in affection, these kids were the clingy ones: always touching, always kissing, always hugging. And for the second time, I think I failed to understand clearly, what my kids wanted from me. When my first batch of kids needed firmness, I displayed unwanted affection because I wanted to be liked, then these kids threw love and affection of me, but I stayed firm, always a step back distant because I don’t want them to be too comfortable. It was a good precaution, but I was a little bit too strict and antagonizing, when a nice, calmed private discussion often worked to manage them. That technique would not have been effective for my first batch because that’s not their profile.

I learned that in order to be strong, I don’t always have to be a tiger, I can be gentle too.

Definitely, each year is a year of learning. There would always be so much I would not see easily from my stance, so I also have to learn more to depend on someone else’s eye, to trust their words, and to be less arrogant. I am not always in control, I do not know everything.

I hope to learn more this next school year, come what may. I have a feeling that it’s going to be more challenging, but that’s where the thrill comes from, too.

For all the learnings, thank you class of 4s/5s.

Day 222: 08.14.17

What can I say, hey, Monday!

Not the best day in terms of class management, but I guess the kids have better relationship now. I mean, at the beginning of the school year, the kids were quite shy around each other and would usually just stick to familiar people or us. However, now, they’ve gotten used to other children and have become friends now, I guess. So I guess I should ready myself for noisier days to come.

Day 166: 06.19.17

We had our Parent-Teacher Conference (PTC) for one of our new students today. I wrote an entry about that overprotective father, so I felt the need for a personal meeting regarding his limitations and clearing out the program’s intention and goals was necessary as soon as possible.

The meeting was almost two hours long (right after class, so no chance to eat lunch or recharge at least) and 80% of the meeting was dominated by the father, so what did we achieve after it? Well, all in all, I was glad to have that meeting since the health and safety issue were laid out clearly though it was still unclear how to go about his issues with physical injuries. I mean, in our school, children get physically hurt all the time. Though we set rules and limitations to them, the risk will always be present and they learn through their mistakes. He wanted to rubberized the edges of all shelves in the classroom and have the walls padded in case his son bumps into them. He was already anticipating the worst that can happen to a child without thinking the learning opportunities a risk actually opens to a child. He even lectured us about preventive and corrective measures like we, as educators, were not aware of.

I can never understand the kind of protectiveness a parent would have over their child, but I can sympathize and empathize at least. However, as an educator, as the parent in the classroom, I know how to protect my children in a way that they learn and still be safe without overly limiting their exploration, mental or physical wise.

To be honest, despite my adoration to his kid, I am not entirely comfortable having him as a parent. He seems to be the type to sue a teacher if his kid gets into an accident despite it not being our fault.

At the end of the day, I just felt so exhausted I wanted to get leave the world and be somewhere else, like in a movie world. As usual, my go-to light movie is “Kimi ni Todoke”, so I watched some parts of it before sleeping.

Day 144: 05.25.17

LAST SNACK TIME WITH THIS BUNCH!

I was expecting this day to be as emotionally charged as yesterday since I was so down about the need to say goodbye to these kids, but I guess that was that. Fortunately?

The day was kind of hectic, chaotic, and confusing. Nonetheless, that is our normal day in the classroom. So instead of a teary, sentimental last day of class, I was given a last taste of classroom life with these bunch of kids.

To Ian, Aditi, Jelaena, Harper, Divit, William, Jose, Yooni, Szofia, Hanna, Valery, Kandhan, Daichi, Pau, and Seung Kyu (who did not come to school anymore huhu), and of course to my partner-in-crime and pride, Geli, THANK YOU FOR MAKING MY FIRST YEAR AS A PRESCHOOL TEACHER WORTH WHILE.

It was a year full of challenges and stress, but I know that each time I’m able to survive and triumph over them, I grow a bit more as a teacher and as a person.

I love each and everyone of you. Even if you don’t remember us in the future, I know I always would. ❤

Day 143: 05.24.17

Detach, detach, detach.

That’s what I’m trying to command myself now, but I guess it’s too late to demand it just now.

The school year started with me just hoping to be a good teacher: one who is able to manage class fine, make instructional materials fine, and instruct fine. I didn’t pursue to be a great teacher, I was fine just learning the ropes and getting by.

We started with eight children, but now we are 15. Our class grew along with my attachment to these children.

I didn’t expect to care for the welfare of these children so much. I didn’t expect to be so analytical of their behavior just so we can help them feel comfortable and happy in class, and of course to aid what they need in every domain we can tap on as teachers. I didn’t expect to love the hugs, kisses, and even the oddity of my kids. I didn’t expect that I would miss them when they’re absent in class, even if in the previous days I was chasing them to clean up their mess, nagging on following the rules, and scolding them for being too noisy. I didn’t expect that I would be this attached to these group of little dinosaurs that made up our miniature Jurassic Park.

I didn’t expect that I would care so much, and would cry so much now that it’s really sinking in, that tomorrow is the last day of class.

Technically, it’s on Friday, but that’s already an event, and tomorrow is the last official day that we’ll have our usual schedule in the classroom; always a rollercoaster of emotions, but ultimately of love in our everyday classroom.

Today, I was sitting on the bench during outdoor play and witnessed how one of our students who would usually hit a peer when aggravated guided up his peer when the other fell on the pavement, and then even asked him if he was fine. These boys do not play often, but to see a picture of emphathy, I thought, ah, I’m seeing a new side of him. It’s probably a side of him I won’t see very often anymore and that was sad too.

Another student I talked to cried. When I asked him why, he said it’s because we only have 2 more days of school. He said he would miss playing with his friends, and he’ll miss the school. I comforted him by saying that he can always invite his friends to his house and a lot of them would be going to the big school he would soon. He said he didn’t like that school and would like to stay in our school for 500 more days. I reminded him of the time that he also didn’t like our school and refused to come inside, so it’s possible that it would be the same for him in his next school. But he just kept on crying, insisting that we have more days in school. I almost cried with him.

Another student gave me a thank you card, and I almost choked because of tears that wanted to come that time. But I was scolding another student too. The stark contrast in situation, believe it or not, I adore as well.

I received many hugs today, but I think I didn’t give as much. So tomorrow I will take my chance and really make them feel my love. Though gosh, I really hope to keep in the waterworks!

Day 142: 5.23.17

It’s not a very good day today.

First news, as expected, the Monday blues that kept everyone in place yesterday, was no where to be found today. The kids, on a Monday, are just really warming up. The real deal with their behavior and energy is on a Tuesday. Nonetheless, I didn’t get angry at anyone and that’s still progress in keeping a consistent zen being.

On the other hand, the end of the day was less pleasing than my optimism.

Parents of one of our students came over to talk about their children, which was actually helpful because we really needed to talk, and better in person.

I guess what really upset me is that the conference was a revelation of what is actually the hold in our plan to help adjust the child in the classroom. It’s just that when the parents are the ones that need consultation, the situation can get very tricky and sensitive.

Well, what kept me upset after the talk is the fact that there was no real resolution to the problem. I’m glad we finally get to hear their opinions about the situation that we have of their child, but in general, I felt that they were implying our lack of action to make their child feel comfortable in the classroom so as not to make him feel bored and unwanted, especially by me.

Even after all these attempts and intention to make the situation better, it’s the parents who are holding back with the development of their children. It’s more upsetting because we’ve been working on him for six months now, but everytime they go on a trip, we go back to zero. We’ve explained this in PTCs, but I personally think it’s the parents that need to understand and accept that their child needs help.

“He’s just five.”

He’s already five.

“He likes to touch. He’s affectionate.”

Yes, but touches can have limitations.

“He sees his classmate standing up.”

Why does he need to copy when he knows that’s wrong?

Urgh.

Second news, I learned something about someone. I don’t distrust this person, nor to I trust entirely. Civil.

But whether civil or close, I hate liars. Lie as much as you want, or you need to, but make sure I won’t catch you, or someone doesn’t unfold you because I don’t forget, even if I forgive.

I wanna learn this person’s intention and motivations to do that act, most of all.

I hope this person gets tired eventually.

Third news, what’s wrong with the world mama?

Just learned that certain areas were invaded/attacked by terrorists groups which may or may not be connected to the ISIS. It’s those bunch of peope who give their soldiers drugs that get them high on decapitating people.

IT’S SCARY AS FUCK.

I’ve accepted that no place is safe anymore, but when that fact is already knocking on your door, you wished you never realized it in the first place.

So wishing fo the safety of everyone in Marawa, Bankok, and Manchester.

Day 141: 05.22.17

Dragging one’s face off a bed pillow is certainly more difficult when one receives a horrifying message that one’s partner will be absent for the day and one’s self will be left alone in a Jurassic Park.

*le sigh*

Alright. I think I get what my friends in college were doing as strategy against disappointments: anticipate the worst and be met with less disappointments.

Monday is Monday. Tuesday sometimes turn into Monday, but Monday remains the glorious blue day that it is, most of the time. So with the year end for our kids just around the corner, we’re packed with lots of things to do. There’s less play and exploration because we’re aiming for progress and results to present parents by Friday. Work Time turned into Small Group with the demand of planning, preparation, materials, and facilitating.

Nonetheless, my kids were less rowdy today, so that helped in classroom management. Of course, it can’t be helped to have a bit of conflict with a few of them, and one even vomited, but overall, good job Michelle!

Day 124: 05.05.17

Last PTC of the school year DONE!!!

That’s three PTCs in a row from 1:45~4:00 PM, but everything went fine.

There were good news and bad news for every student, but I’m so glad that our parents are very understanding. The Parent-Teacher conferences are also very helpful on adding context to our observations with the student. After all, our reports are only from our perspectives in the classroom, but the situation in the house also contributes greatly to how children behave in the classroom. So in every issue, school-home partnership and cooperation surely brings good results.

Haaaay. It’s still hectic with so many things to do. Personally, I want to provide time for personal tasks like updating my blog and writing stories, but these work-related stuff are also piling up. Fortunately, I’m still coping. I just reaaaaaally need to shorten the break time I give myself. It’s too long. LOL

Day 114: 04.25.17

I’m usually not excited with meeting parents for reports on progress with their children (because it’s always so tricky with them), but for this particular PTC, I was!

I guess it goes with the fact that I reported very positive progress with one of our children in class. Admittedly, this kid if my favorite despite him being one of the challenges during the beginning of school. He doesn’t have any diagnosis yet, but it’s apparent that he is somewhere in the autism spectrum due to delayed social and language development. He needs to have structure and repetition to absorb routines and follow rules.

I’m not a SPED teacher, but somehow, I had to be one for him. I was his main shadow teacher for summer class, and the main reason I was assigned in our FOURS class is because he needed to have a familiar person, a transition, for him to be well in the higher level.

Since he was still adjusting to the classroom, there were many challenging days. There’s his short attention span and control, his fixation on cars and colors, and tantrums. However, he was always adorable and we knew that he needed to be accommodated a lot differently than the others, and we’re just so ever thankful that his peers are nice enough to understand and sometimes even give way for him.

I remember in the first PTC we had, he had so many expected skills for his age not yet apparent in him. I had been very stressed for the past weeks before that PTC, so when we discussed his developments despite the indicators from the checklist, I couldn’t hold back the tears.

I mean, all along I thought that nothing was happening, that our efforts were just turning into thin air, but then the seeds are actually blooming, though slow, but there’s already a bud.

Fast forward to five months, and there’s the PTC full of developments. In a blink of an eye, our baby has progressed so much with his self-control (his regulation much longer), he’s more flexible with his plays, he’s socializing (though he remains awkward and we need to guide him with it), and the tantrums has definitely been less frequent. He doesn’t even need a shadow anymore!

It was the best gift we could have given such supportive parents and for having that child, our personal happy pill, in our classroom. There remains a lot of challenges in the classroom, but just being hugged and kissed by this boy makes me feel so much better.

I’m gonna miss him a lot, but I’m sure he would be able to make more people happy. I hope he becomes a little Mozart in the future too because he is a natural with music!

I love you, Jose. Always.

Day 72: 03.13.17

When your main boy is finally making progress after nine long months of love, care, and concern.

This just makes my job worth repeating again and again.

Yes, even when I feel lazy most of the time. I guess, somehow, I’m still doing the right thing.

Teaching is Learning

Aside from those mentioned in the article, how else can education be improved?

This is one of the questions given to my student to answer after reading an article about education.

Education is a very broad topic, so an answer to such question sometimes depends on our social status and experiences.  I can give so many suggestions on this myself, but my student’s answer was something that has never once graced me, even though I have been experiencing it for so many years now.

“I think students should be given a chance to experience to teach what they learn.”

It makes a lot of sense, right? I mean, how can a person teach something they don’t understand?

As a student, I thought that my history and math classes were only useful for me to earn enough credits to graduate, but as I grew older, I understood that they were useful at different episodes of my life, and without those, I would’ve been in trouble. Language subjects were my favorite, and I think I’ve learned a lot from my classes; however, probably, if I paid more attention, I would be a better teacher, and my work easier. Nonetheless, teaching has given me different avenues to re-learn and gain more knowledge.

For example, I was teaching plot structure to my primary students last week:

Though I’ve written several stories myself, my writing process is different because I was never schooled properly on how to write a story. I basically picked up a pen and started writing to serve myself. On the other hand, I had to learn the proper writing process to impart to my student. I was unaware of what story elements are and why it’s called such, and I was ignorant of plotting a story. Sure, I remember having a discussion in Lit class, but analyzing the plot of others’ story and making your own are quite different things. No wonder I got stuck in so many of my stories, I just dropped them altogether.

If I were not a teacher now, I don’t think I would have bothered to study these things again because I can be as lazy as I want for myself. If I didn’t have to teach English grammar to my Korean students, I probably would have understood less of why sentences are structured like this and that. Sure I have the core skills down (not perfected), but it’s just much better to understand rather than just knowing, right? If I had an early-teaching experience, I might’ve paid more attention to what I was studying.

These personal experiences made me agree that early-teaching experience can help students grow as responsible social beings. Students would have a deeper appreciation of what they are learning because they get to experience at an early age how knowledge works in the real world, and are not just mere theories forcing their way out of the pages of textbooks. Of course, students shouldn’t be obliged to be a teacher in the long run, but an immersion to the ways of teaching, I think, would plant a seed of consciousness to them about the importance of being educated and the ways it becomes advantageous in life, especially in helping, influencing, and even inspiring others.

In the years I’ve handled students, I wonder if I have ever really made an impact in their life? I’ve always been uncertain at my place in this field and I couldn’t imagine myself doing the same thing as a career, though recently, I think the fog is clearing. Most people would consider five years an achievement to be in a certain field of work, however, the learning is just never enough no matter the length one has dedicated to something. In those five years, despite my awe at the passing of time, I realized that I’ve just began this immeasurable journey. It’s only now that I have taken a serious look at my destination. The image of the destination is not clear yet, but it’s much better than just aimlessly dragging my foot on an unknown road.

I’m not even sure how I got myself on track, but I guess it’s the rewards of this job that has kept my preschool and primary teachers in their job, in the same schools for a long time. Would I be the same like them? Only time can tell. If you ask me, of course, I’d love to stay.

Simply, teaching others is teaching ourselves. The teaching process is a learning process, thus, a process of self-discovery.

Spoon feeding in the long run teaches us nothing but the shape of the spoon.

E. M. Forster (novelist, essayist, and short story writer)

A Not-so- Creative Rant

Forgive me, but let me drawl out a drama building inside me for a veeeeery long time. Mind you, this is not even the first time, so that means this topic is getting me very depressed probably.

Alright. Breathe…

So it’s been five months since I started with my new work as a teacher. My classes in reading are better, but my work as a writing (creative writing) teacher is not actually going anywhere. To be fair, there was a time when I thought I was going somewhere, but then these days I feel like I’ve hit the insecurity wall again and I’m stuck trying to get out. Suddenly, I can’t find my way to organize my class, and I’m frustrated as ever with the word “creative” in my writing class. I am pressured that my students have to write awesome stories at the end of day. In addition, what a hard act to follow the previous teacher of this subject was!

Despite nobody outright comparing me to his skills, I can’t help but put a pressure on myself. I majored in literature and I like writing, so I should know how to teach writing. That’s not true of course, but as I said, I can’t help but make this as a standard for myself. Especially since I’m teaching the subject, I have to believe that I can do it or else I should just quit this altogether.

To be fair to mysef, I do believe I can do it. The problem is I get so disheartened, distracted, and lazy so easily that I can’t improve well. The progress is stagard, and like my other students, I tend to regress.

Sad stories of adults, I tell you.

Moreover, creativity, I feel, is something I’ve always lacked. I’d only feel creative after being able to write something without being inspired by other writers; when the flow of words came from a bathroom break, a one-liner that popped in my head, an image, or something given by nature and I’m able to pen it down, that is when I feel creative.

In the most unfortunate circumstances, I am experiencing a block, no, I’m stuck behind a wall and whining in front of that wall about why I can’t get myself to write again while I have a job of teaching writing.

(Something tells me I’m part of a tragedy and the chorus is singing these very words I’m forging. Oh the irony of this piece!)

I used to love writing. It was my salvation when I couldn’t get myself to express my anger in words to the world. Writing was my self-imposed therapy which fortunately evolved into loving the craft itself, so I was able to produce proper written works like my own scripts, short-stories, poem, essays, etc. Heck, I even joined the newspaper clubs of my primary and secondary schools. Although I’ve always felt that I lacked something in terms of talent, but I’ve been a devoted writer.

Well, I have been a devoted writer. How tragic the feeling of writing that in the past tense.

With this predicament, how do I survive my classes so far? I prepare activities and that’s it. The goal is to get a class over and done with without shaming myself of my doubts and confusion. In retrospect, I have a feeling that the reason some of my classes are unsuccessful is because the students can also sense my unsureness. I mean, I have very good classes, the ones which are well-prepared. On the other hand, I have classes which I’d want the ground to open up and swallow me whole because of the stress of my students trying to bully me and outright testing my mastery of the subject. I sort of remember kids being able to sense fear from adults well.

In conclusion, I think I have to go back to writing if I want to succeed in teaching writing. Of course this isn’t only for my classes’ sake, but I personally want to go back to writing again. I miss the feeling of the words and inspiration polluting my brain.

When do I want this to happen? Write now! (cue in drums!)

It’s worth it.

It’s worth it.

Being a teacher is worth it.

The stress, the worries, the frustration…it’s all worth it.

It takes one thank you, one confirmation that my efforts has bore fruits, and all those bad memories become good ones anyway.

 

Five years…and counting. 🙂

 

“If you get, give. If you learn, teach.”

– Maya Angelou

 

 

 

 

After 60 days…

It’s been a while, hasn’t it? Ah, yes, a lot has happened since then.

Well, what’s up?

For me, things are getting better. I really don’t want to jinx the good vibes by being definite about my comfort in my new work place, but things are better and I should share it!

After two months, my efforts to connect to my new co-teachers have finally paid off. I can now share things about myself and my life with comfort, and most especially joke around with them. It’s not joke, but being able to joke around with a person is my own personal stamp of approval to that person as a good co-worker or potential friend. As of now, I can’t really say that my co-teachers are friends, but they are definitely great co-teachers. I’m finally able to connect with them not only on a business level, but personal, too. So I’m kinda sad that one of the teachers who has helped me build a connection to others is quitting soon. I definitely have to have a picture taken tomorrow!

In terms of the work itself, my reading classes are much better. Unknowingly, I’ve observed keenly to learn from my co-teachers, and I did my part of reading about the program and how to handle this kind of class. Application of learned knowledge is essential!

Regarding my creative writing class, well, that’s something that needs more of my attention now. As a lone CW teacher with a weak background on the subject, I have to push myself more. The students for this class are more aggressive and independent. I can feel them trying to overpower me, at some point, to bully me. Well, they can try, but I don’t really think they can. Adults couldn’t, how can they? Haha~ Anyhow, I really have to pay more attention to this class as it’s been two months, but I feel my progress is still sloooooooow. It leaves me frustrated and lacking every time. I feel bad for the students, too.

To be honest, for a person who has turned her back on writing for a long time, just to suddenly be given writing as a job is frustrating. It feels like my insecurity hunting me, closing the walls on me. Well, I’ll take it as a challenge. In the long run, I might be able to write again! I passionately wish for that.

Anyhow, I also need to work on adjusting my attitude to students! Damn, I need to learn how to be strict! I can’t be too yielding and friendly all the time. Those smarty pants will outsmart me. Hmp!

There’s a lot to learn from this work, but I find myself having fun. What an amusing ordeal. Oh well!

 

 

Hello there! How do you do?

It’s been some eventful weeks so far. Progress are happening which really makes me happy.

I’m still struggling with handling children as my students. Learning the reading program is fun, and teaching it is more exciting than I expected. Especially when I see a glint of thrill in the student’s eyes whenever I show them our book of the day. Although there’s still much to learn, I believe I’m getting the hang of it. In terms of creative writing, I’ve gathered enough ideas to last me two months worth of sessions. The trouble usually lies on the student themselves, or my lack of understanding with children. So far, my CW classes are consequently a series of trial-and-error as each student have their own reservations when it comes to expressing themselves on paper; some prefer not to ever express themselves on paper! I swear, most of my CW classes exhaust me, leaving me depressed and often feeling inadequate for the job.

*sigh*

On a lighter note, I think my co-workers are warming up to me, and me to them. There’s just some moments in our small room wherein I feel very left out. It’s probably just me being hesitant and overly concerned about boundaries (I hate making myself seem overly friendly), though I’ve established the strongest friendships I had through lowering our walls around each other and proceeding to teasing! Seriously! I just hate the feeling of being so self-conscious and uncomfortable, especially since they are the people I’d be seeing and working around with–hopefully–for a long time. I hope we can shed off the awkwardness soon. Though they’re not my kind of crowd, I genuinely think my co-workers are pretty nice people.

Another progress is one of my really good friend whom I had a sort of fall-out with apologizing to me. I really loved this friend of mine, so I was easily hurt when he did something which hurt our friendship. It’s especially more vexing when the root of the friendship problem is money. Well, we’ll be seeing each other on Friday with our other friends. We’ve talked a bit over Facebook, so I’m sure most of the awkwardness would’ve been dispelled on Friday. Hmm, well let’s see.

Another update is I’m biking more often! Yes, I think my body and my bike are getting more used to each other. There was a dangerous incident today wherein I almost caused traffic and some people shouting at me for carelessly crossing the road on a GO, but that’s another lesson to be learned, right? Moreover, I got to chat shortly with a really nice uncle who also bikes to and from work. It’s nice to get another perspective regarding biking for practical purposes. Also, I’m never biking in skinny jeans! Damn fashion! Comfort would also come first for me!

There’s still much to update, but since my eyes are telling me to lay down and let it rest, I shall end here…for now.

Life, UPDATED.

 

 

 

Good night!

Adjustments

I suppose as a teacher, I must also know how to discipline my students, right? That’s expected from me.

Well, I’ve been an online teacher for such a long time that I didn’t really have to be concerned how my students discipline themselves in class. Of course they are expected to behave well, and they do try to maximize their time for studying because most of them are paying for their own class. When you’re paying for your studies, you really don’t wanna fool around too much.

Now, I am dealing with kids, rich kids who do not have any idea about the value of time and money yet. Their classes–amongst many–are of their parents’ prerogative. I can see that most of our students are smart, they are definitely adorable in their own unique ways, and as kids, they wanna play all the time.

I am usually lenient when it comes to kids, I let them do what they want as long as they follow me first. When they’re resistant in the beginning, I try to find their sweet spot and establish rapport. This method is effective, albeit not all the time.

For example, my student “Matty”. He has a condition which makes him act way too energetic and disinterested in some subjects, namely writing, which I teach. I find Matty very cute actually. I can somewhat see him as a more adorable version of “Dexter’s Laboratory’s” Mandark because of the way he speaks and also how he looks. However, I can also feel that he’s very affectionate towards people who would give him attention and genuine care.

There were moments in our class in which I thought, I felt like he was really going to stab me with scissors and he kept asking “Why?” to annoy me, but by the end of the class, he wrote something (which is an achievement itself) and we held hands. We even promised to make a new ice cream flavor together in the future and I get to have unlimited serving from his shop. See? How cute this kid is!

Matty’s former teacher and my boss advised me that I need to be firm with him, but at the same time let him feel like he can trust me. The trusting is manageable, to the point that it’s easy sometimes, but being firm? Hmm… It’s really not one of my forte.

Acting serious and angry is something I find difficult to do. I don’t even get annoyed easily and I don’t get angry! Still, as a teacher in this field, I would have to develop another aspect of myself, which is learning how to be firm with kids when needed.

There’s much to learn from my new job. It’s difficult, but I love the fact that I’m growing along with these kids. Well, I do hope they learn from me. If I can see even just a peek of improvement from one of my students, all these episodes of complaints and wariness will all be worth it.

 

YATTA!

うれしいいいいいいい～～～～！

Finally.　DEEP SIGH. Finally.

I feel that this is finally it. I may or may not have found a job which may actually turn into a career. I mean, for once I can feel myself staying in this field for a long time if I try hard enough. And I really should try to do my best.

I haven’t started with the job yet and I don’t know what to expect. I probably do not have any expectations yet, which I think is a good thing since I won’t be disappointed and my mind is fresh to accept new knowledge and develop new skills.

Perhaps in these five years that I’ve been denying the possibility that teaching could be the career for me, I’m actually on my way there. Well, hopefully. I didn’t understand how some teachers could stay in the job for over 20 years with the kind of salary they get, especially for public school teachers, but now I think I sort of get it. Although I’m technically a tutor, probably short of what a proper teacher should be (I don’t have teaching units), but there’s something very charming about teaching.

Teaching is a long, often vexing, arduous process of helping a student develop a skill or understand an idea. It is mentally challenging and often emotionally frustrating to get to a point where you and the student notice improvements and progress. Just when you think that you’ve done enough help, the achievement gives you such a rewarding experience not only as a teacher, but also a human that you carry on until the next eureka.

Thus, my five-year love-hate relationship with teaching (ESL).

This time I’d be teaching reading and creative writing to very young kids. I don’t have any classroom experience, let alone a kindergarten class experience, so I hope my co-workers and superiors would be patient enough to guide me all the way, especially since I have a tendency to get confused and overwhelmed in the beginning of new tasks.

I wanted to keep this news a bit of a secret to the world (including my friends) until the next week because I have this suspicion that too good things should be kept in the dark until everything is ironed out so as not to be jinxed, but I just gotta share the good news to some people. And it felt really nice when they I saw how happy they are for me.

LET’S DO THIS! がんばります！