GP: 08.25.2023 – Breakfast as a Form of Self-love

I used to think I’m a morning person because I prefered work in the morning than at night, but I think as I got older, I preferred being able to wake up at anytime as long as I wake up feeling rested.

What I’ve always been is not being a breakfast person. I’m usually good with coffee and a bit of a bite of whatever is available in our pantry. The past week, I had to wake up early due to training and I have been making myself breakfast. I just realized now, that despite being in my half-awake state, body still aching for my bed, I actually take the time, and use energy and effort to provide myself something that will nourish my body. Being mindful that I have to be intentionally kind to my body–at 6 in the bloody morning. I feel good and full. Grateful for the opportunity I have to develop this habit.

I hope that I’m able to continue this practice as work starts to challenge our time and energy in the coming days and months. That’s where the real challenge begins anyway. Will I carve out time for myself to do yoga at night and make breakfast in the morning despite the chaos of the world.

I will.

GP: 8/21/2023

I am suddenly humbled again by the universe today, and I am thankful for that. Despite the short comings of our org, I am deeply blessed to be in the company of wonderful, smart, and passionate advocates for education reform. With the values that the org upholds, I know that they have our best interest in mind–though of course–no great effort is a one size fit all.

What I’m grateful for this org is the CARE for the continous development of their staff. Back when I had my solo stint as a teacher, I craved for the guidance of an expert in the field so that I can continue to grow and explore my options without getting lost in my indecisions and doubts. I have never been in a kind of institution that actually listens to questions–welcomes it even–and responds with respect, reason, and assurance. Tho the compensation can be better, the opportunities for personal development, understanding, and oppeness to communication is something that I didn’t get from my previous jobs.

Funny because my previous post was about my uncertainty of my future, and then there’s the onboarding of the help the org will provide us in order to determine where we want to go after. I have my ideas, but I need someone to help me organize that and make an action plan.

Haaaay maybe I was in the right direction after all. Hopefully.

WHAT DO WE WANT

Ever since the beginning of the year, I have been contemplating about taking a break from teaching. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not because I don’t like it anymore, but the feeling that I’m not progressing with it is making me scared that if I continue to hang on to it, I’d somehow start hating it. I don’t want that. Ever.

However, yesterday I had a thought (one of many, to be honest). What if I’m simply feeling this way because I’m not learning anything? What if it’s not just the circumstances, but because I’m the problem myself? I can always seek out ways to study further if I want to, the problem is I don’t. Of course the amount of work we have is part of the equation, but I have survived having two subjects in one trimester, a part-time job, and a full-time job once upon a time. It may have been my younger years, but I’d bet it on my nature to be strong-willed when needed and when I want to make things happen. I’m a fire sign after all, when I’m passionate, I can burn.

I don’t think it’s too early for me to be thinking about these things, but I think I should be considering already what I want to do after TFP. I’m very grateful of course with the skills and knowledge I was able to develop about project management, community engagement, etc. on top of teaching, but what do I want to do with my life now? I feel stuck. Not that I don’t want to do anything, but I want to do many things! At the same time, I feel like I’m not good enough to end up anywhere good. Moreover, I’m dreading the “interogation” from my brother when he asks what I’m doing with my life.

Definitely, work in an NGO is honoroable, it’s definitely is transformative in nature, but the practical side is a bit of a wack–financially speaking. I feel like this is the best time for me to get a side-hustle if I really want to earn extra. Or realllllyy tighten the fucking belt and not breathe any unnecessary expenses if possible–until next year. LOL

Who can I talk to about these things anyway? The problem with being 35 and stuck with a list of work history like this (my longest employment is 4 years), I feel, is that I’m not supposed to be exploring my options anymore. At this point in life, I should have figured things out, or at least some of it, and just working for retirement, you know? Work paycheck to paycheck with a bit of extra on the side for good food and travels.

I really want to study again. Preferably abroad. I want to work abroad to. But what? WHAT DO WE WANT TO DO, MICHELLE?

The Great Balancing Act

I’m not even sure when was the last time I wrote here or in any of the many journal portals I have, but this vacation had been a bliss.

I can say I’m fine being single now. I am enjoying my time again as a fangirl (SB 19 and Good Omens) and it’s been great. I’ve met so many of my close friends, time with my mom and cats, I’ve redecorated my room again, and just having an abundance of time to do anything I want.

On the other hand, I know that somehow, all these bliss will be over. Eventually, my bliss from fangirling will start to wane, work is about to restart and I’m back to face reality.

I still have things to fix about myself and go back to my “commitment” of improving myself for the rest of the year. I guess I’m realizing now that while I am to celebrate the return of my happy single life, I should not ignore the fact that I am more self-aware now of the things I have to do as a completely new person as a 35-year-old.

Yesterday, I stuck with a 30-minute yoga session, the first of a 30-day challenge. I’ve always had difficulties sticking to consistency, so I hope I’m able to change that somehow, starting with this. I’ve done this before, so I know I can do it if only I put my mind into it. So I guess aside from reading fanfiction and novels, I should also put an effort to read self-help books and listen to more psychology and all, right?

It’s definitely a great balancing act from here. Things will get very busy come September for the new school year, so I’m not sure where I’ll find myself after. Whatever it is, I hope that I’ve established some kind of habit for me to stick to the things I want, not just the things I need.

GP: blessings of time

If rejection is divine protection, why doesn’t it feel like it?

I really ought to lessen my time in social media. Despite knowing that not everything I see in pictures are the full story, but it still hurts.

So these days, the person I was in an almost relationship with has become official with someone and has started using labels. I actually saw a cute pic of them together. While staring at the pic, I can’t help but actually be happy for them and sad for me when I close it. I felt disregulated the whole time after which resulted in me needing to mute my connection with her for a while. I don’t even want to see her anymore. Which is actually unfair because she or her gf didn’t do anything wrong towards me. Haaaaaay

You see why I’m so frustrated with myself? hahhahaa

Anyway, I have been processing this feeling. I mean, I’ve tried sitting with it and it’s uncomftable as fuck. I cried reading about loneliness before and I think that’s really it–the feeling of loneliness. Nonetheless, my logical brain remains vigilant in this process. I know that this is not all there is to it!!! Something is going on.

So I found this article from Bustle titled: Why Seeing Your Ex Move On Hurts So Much and it doesn’t even mean that we’re still in love with them. The ridiculous thing about this is that we weren’t even official and was only intimately connected around less then two months, but this is the impact. The enemy here is my ego and my fantasy, not really the person. I actually feel more at ease when I think about my actual ex. Uuurgh I hate myself sometimes.

The invitation when you feel that pang is to explore any unresolved feelings that you may not have fully processed,” Dr. Greenberg tells Bustle.

Yes, ma’am we’re doing it!

Nonetheless, allow me to process my feelings and thoughts as I traverse this article:  

“Breakups are complicated for a number of reasons,” Kate MacLean, resident dating expert at Plenty of Fish, tells Bustle. “Whether it was a mutual decision or not, you shared intimate moments and a part of your life with someone. Now you’re expected to separate yourself from them.”

I agree with this. I don’t trust people easily, but when I do, I tend to spill everything. So I did in these relationships and they reciprocated that. So I guess I felt that if we had this much between us, there is a want to be together. But I guess that’s hard to sustain given other factors.

“Ego can play a big role in feeling hurt,” Davis says. “Some people like the idea of someone having feelings for them even if they don’t reciprocate it back. It makes them feel wanted.” There’s comfort in thinking there’s someone out there who’s still hung up on you. And seeing your ex with someone else can ruin the illusion you created for yourself.

Damn true. I actually know that this is entirely my ego being beaten up. At the time of no-contact, I turned to “timeless tarot readings” in Youtube to get an energy check or chanelled messages. But because they are general readings, there’s a big chance that they are not about me at all, right? However, when our ego is so inflated, it’s hard to hear sound reason. Basically, most of the cards pointed that this person was on the path of healing, they regret what happend to us, they still like me there’s a chance, etc. And that fed a lot to my fantasy that when we meet, we can rekindle and continue where we left off, you know? I did not even take into consideration that they might be starting a healthy relationship with someone new. Why? Because I made an illusion that she was waiting for me. I was in such limerance with her it’s ridiculous. So knowing the truth now, even if I know I wasn’t in love with her, instead I was in love with the idea of us and the cool qualities of her that can be acquianted with me (because hello I’m not cool but she is and she’ll be my gf?!) so yeah, loooooooooots of ego here. Bitch, wake up!

It’s also human nature to compare yourself to the new person your ex is with, which can make you question yourself. 

As Kevin Darné, relationship expert and author of My Cat Won’t Bark! (A Relationship Epiphany), tells Bustle, “One of the worst feelings is for some people to see their ex seemingly stepping up or doing better after a breakup.”

Yep. This is the point that I realized I’m feeling rejected all over. First, I was rejected when she said that she wasn’t ready to be in a relationship (with me–this was being unsaid, which sucks because that would have been much easier to deal with than having ambigous words, I think) and then this is another rejection because to me it sounds like: Oh, I wasn’t ready to be in a relationship with you, but apparently I’m good with her. So yeah. Fuck that shit hurts. It just really pokes into my insecurities.

Seeing your ex with someone else may trigger doubts and insecurities over how your partner truly felt about you in the relationship. Even if you want your ex to be happy now, it’s normal to question whether they truly loved you as much as they said they did.

This one is a lot. When we dated, it came to a point that we were saying i love yous and labeling each other as future partners. I was actually the one trying to slow down things because it felt like we were going too fast and I didn’t want her to be a rebound because it has been less than a year when I broke up with my ex. But I was swayed by the kindness, the intensity and it makes me wonder if they were all words to get into my pants eventually. I mean, I was pretty open to having sex anyway, so there’s no need to actually sweet talk me, but yeah. I do wonder from time to time if I was played or not because I hate that.

When you invest time and energy into trying to make a relationship work, it can make you feel like a complete failure when it doesn’t. According to Dr. Caroline Madden, PhD, licensed marriage and family therapist, seeing your ex happy with someone else can be a reminder of that. It’s easy to forget why you broke up and place all the blame on yourself. “Keep in mind that everyone looks happy in the first part of a relationship,” Madden says.

This is very true. What we had in the end was a situationship. We sort of had feelings for each other, but we never pushed through. Whether it was the unfortunate situation on her side, our needs not being met, the LDR, etc. it’s hard for me to use these as a reminder to myself why it couldn’t have worked in the first place. Most of the time I still think that if only I held on, maybe it would’ve worked. It wound’t have. Sure of that. The ambiguity in this situationship made me feel very anxious. I didn’t feel safe most of the time and it just triggered me a lot. This person didn’t put me in their priority and it’s best for me to leave. I did eventually, but look where I placed myself again. uuuughhhh

“It can make you feel inadequate,” Wolfe says. “With your ex moving on, it forces you to come to terms with the relationship being officially over and that chapter of your life totally closed. Breakups are a roller coaster of emotions and sometimes the fact that it’s over doesn’t totally hit someone until the other person finds another partner. Endings are hard and it is usually difficult to watch someone you love to move on with their life.”

Yep. I mean, I can’t imagine the agony I’ll have when I learn about my actual ex be in a relationship. Yes, I have been praying for her happiness and that can be in the arms of another person, but I know that will fucking hurt. So it really helps that I don’t know anything about her life right now, except when we are in a video call with friends. No space for me to create illusions from pictures because all information are real from her.

So there. What a looooooooong looooooooong post. So while going through this I found another article talking about situationships and why it’s actually much harder to move on from that from committed one. So fuck what did I get myself into.

So yeah, cheers to my self-worth that I intend to cultivate. Michelle, you loved the way you knew how to love in that situation. It didn’t work out because of the circumastances. Maybe it wasn’t just a good match, whether it was timing or clash of personalities, we will never know. An we don’t have to know. If you feel that you’re not ready to face her, don’t. Take time to be with your friends and family, distract yourself or process this with them. You will be fine. You will get over this, okay? It’s okay to make mistakes. You took a risk, you acted with your heart, and you cared for someone. That’s why it hurts. And I’m proud of you for continuing to show kindness towards others even if they have or potentially have been unkind to you. But pour this kindness to yourself twice as much, okay? I love you.

Look outwards now

I have always been a reflective person and it’s actually something I’m proud of; however, I think I also have to acknowledge how how sometimes just introspecting and reflecting can only get me so far. Or maybe I’m just doing this wrong.

When I do introspection, I usually try to understand myself–my behaviors, my thought process, the emotions that are able to surfaced or projected, my interactions, and outcomes, but mostly these are examinations of the past. I believe that it is good to examine ourselves based on these past experience, but if we remain in the past mulling how things could’ve been different if I did action A, B, C, to infinity, then it’s simply a waste of time and energy.

We must take these lessons from the past to work on them at the present, so we can use them in the future.

I know I’m still processing new information now from my previous “almost” relationship that I attached very strongly from (uuuurgh the suffering, Buddah must be shooking his head now), but I’m facing the truth and just trying to accept things. Nowadays I’m trying to find someone to talk to online, perhaps find the same kind of connection we had, but somehow I think the universe places a block on those connections whenever I try to force it. Maybe. Not that I’m complaining, sometimes it’s just confusing.

What I’ve realized recently is that I have been a prisoner of the past. As Ben&Ben sings: Ika’y nakulong sa maling pag-iisip. I can’t undo what has happend in the past. I have to start forgiving myself. I have to stop being ashamed of putting my needs first and actually prioritizing my own mental health. I don’t want to be a prisoner to this shame anymore than I should, I do not want to be a prisoner of the past. I want to be like Andy Dufresne who never lost hope despite his circumstances in the movie “The Shawshank Redemption”. Whatever life throws at us, if we have hope in our hearts of a better tomorrow, perhaps a better version of ourself and circumstance, then that will never be taken away from us.

Before I had my first relationship at 32 years old, I was sort-of set at life: I was technically a professional teacher (passed the licensure exam), I was sure who I wanted to serve (children) and was having a vision of how I want to elevate my career (study SPED or early childhood education/development), I was more or less comfortable in my skin, and I was contented not to expect anything anymore, romantically. I was simply waiting for life to unfold for me. So once upon a time, I knew how to live in the moment and actually look forward to the future.

I guess what was missing that time was the emotional development. Somehow, the universe wanted me to undergo a transformation which will turn my world upside down, and de-shed that 32 year old skin. I feel that I’m still shedding my skin–sometimes I feel it, sometimes I don’t. I feel that I’m undergoing an awakening of some sort, but I’m not really sure how to handle this.

Anyway, what I think I’m pointing out (finally) is that I need to finally look outwards now. I need to get back my mojo for this mission that I came for in Negros, the passion that made me step forward towards contributing what I can for a community. I have to start refocusing on that aspect of myself again because I know that I am authentically living when I find meaning in what I do. I want to lessen these depressive ruminations of my failed relationships. Yes, they are sad and it really takes a number on me whenever my personal relationships (even with friends) goes astray. It’s just an indication that I am human, but I am learning everytime it happens. I wish myself well and I wish the people I’ve been with a good life as well.

So what do we do now? Well, first be gentle with myself. Healing is not linear, I have to remind myself that. Some days I’d be proud that I’m making strides towards focusing on myself, and some days the heaviness of the past will knock and would want to stay for tea. Let it in, welcome it and have tea with the pain, but let it know that they are expected to leave after. I’m starting to have this voice in my head that whispers to me, It’s okay. Forgive yourself. On days that it’s good, I wanna start envisioning what I want for myself in the near future and the far future.

What do you want, Michelle? What do you really really want?

GP: 7/5/2023

Things for our organization project is moving well and most things we need are already granted to us–thank god– so I am really really grateful for the support of the people in our community in helping us make this possible even with the short amount of time!

I’m also grateful for myself for not giving up and taking risks to make this possible.

Though I confirmed something today that was kind of hurtful, I am at peace that I know the next best steps which is to accept this truth, move on, and wish myself well as well as those people.

GP: 7/3/2023

I’m very thankful for today because of so many reasons?

1) We got confirmation that the very important document we need for our project is in progress and about to be released

2) We got funding for meals for our project. So thankful to have a champion in our LGU. plus ampogi nya tangina

3) We’re done presenting our year-end report, everything went well, and I’m just so grateful to have found such warm-hearted souls in our school community that appreciate us 🩷

4) Thankful for the sincerity an “old flame” is displaying somehow and I’m thankful that I made that step of coming out of the blanket of hiding and facing whatever is the reality of us. I feel much better.

Experience over Theory

Today’s blog is a voice recording of my brain fart about my reflection on how I understand myself while I traverse the very confusing world of dating and how it extends to my emotional progression as a lonely 35-year-old woman.

This is the first time I’ve posted my voice so bear with me hahahahah

GP: 7/2/2023

Somehow I woke up in a weird state because I’m processing a feeling of rejection. I find myself intellectualizing what happened rather than actually acknowledging what I feel about it.

So I guess what I’m thankful for is the awareness I have now when it comes to my emotional processing. That it takes a while for me to realize what’s going on because my reflex is to logically work around the uncomfortable situation.

So for example, I have been in limerence with the girl I dated for a while. Though it’s clear that we’re not gonna work out because of circumstances, differences, and I think I’m more into the idea of her than her because I see the red flags and when I actually interact with her, I don’t feel as good as when I just fantasize about us. Nonetheless, I have been in limerence with her even after we both decided to stop dating, but I have been looking forward to meeting her again and see where the tides will take us. I haven’t considered that she might be seeing someone new, so when she did share this to me, I was happy for her at the same time I’m stumped about something!

So yeah, I guess now I’m ackowledging how I really feel about it. I feel somehow rejected the second time around. Like there’s that feeling a hurt ego that says “why can’t it be me instead?” because there’s still that regret over the what ifs I guess. And I guess this made me very lonely because even now I don’t have anything to look forward to–even potentially romantic.

Nonetheless, I remain thankful that she was honest enough to me because that made everything clearer to me and the expectation when we meet is set. I’m also very grateful for the opportunity to be in connection with people in our org that are willing to listen to my rants of melancholia and sympathize with my loneliness for intimacy. They are very wise for their age!

Right after I talked to people, my limerence was gone! Like it was never there in the first place lol hahahahha I think this is one soother for my anxiety that I can really rely on. Even if it’s not about me talking about my problem, having someone there with me kinda works. I know that’s still co-regulation, but I think soon enough I’ll be able to pin down what my self-regulation soothhers will be.

Anyhow, while talking about dating with my co-workers, I just went on and installed Bumble and HER again. I mean, why not? I have been meaning to before, but what always stoped me was that false fantasy of the possibility of me and my ex-date. So yeah. It was clearly not a good mindset to have around so I’m every so thankful that it’s not like that now. And I guess I have a different mindset about dating apps now.

As a millenial, I grew up without these apps, right? And being very late in the game of dating, I suppose I carried traditional mindset about the ideal way of finding a partner–that is, meeting them somewhere in person, from work, from friends, or by accident–like in the movies. Somehow, I had this judgment that people who go on dating apps are desperate, that’s why I had always been a bit iffy to be in one.

Well, it’s 2023 and finding people online is just one way of making connections. If I’m really determined to meet myself more in dating, then bring it on! Yes, it can be exhausting at times, but yeah, there’s no waste in trying. I know that there’s a lot of work that I need to do for my cultivat my self-work, my confidence, and my bounderies, but I really think that it’s possible to do all these self-work while finding connection with other people. At least for me, it’s always experience over theories. I am an active learner after all, so what I experience, I grow from–may it be good or bad experiences. Traumatic is another thing, that one we’ll try identify and avoid as best as we can.

So yeah, good luck to me and my new adventures in dating! I hope I can have one while in Manila huhu lezzgo!

I think I got it wrong

8:00 PM tricycle thoughts:

I really ought to not compare life to how it is in movies.

I’m realizing now that women who come out of a heartbreak with the best skin, new hair, new hair color, cool clothes, and a new set of confidence, but that will never spare them the loneliness that can still hunt them when they are alone, feeling cold and wanting someone to hold them close.

Even the most successful, independent, self-loving woman may still long to be cared for by someone, be called “baby” and depend on that other person for other daily, mundane things. That there’s someone to love you when you’re tired of being your best on some days and will face the challenge of the day with you.

We can have peace and make peace with what we don’t have, but as humans, we will always have those days of craving intimate connections, I think.

Or maybe it’s just me.

GP: 7/1/2023

Today is a strangely good day. Hahaha

Ayyt I say that because well, I reconnected with someone I dated with and stepped back from. I know it’s not necessary to reconnect anymore, but I’m really not the type to cut people out of my life and if they said they still want me in their life but is actually lying about it, well, what can I do, I’m a straight-forward person so I take things at face value. Of course I have my intuition in line, but I’d like to give people the benefit of the doubt.

Anyway (digressing again), it’s been around 6 weeks since we last talked and I think I’ve really recovered ever since. At times I don’t even remember or fantasize about her, so that’s a good sign. I’m set on meeting her in July just to catch up and hang out because I feel that we left off things in a strange plane and I just wanted closure–especially to know if she still liked me or me to her. So when she shared today over chat that she’s been seeing someone regularly and is doing great, I felt very happy for her! I mean to have found somebody, right? That’s something to celebrate! I kinda feel envious actually because I want one too huhuhu~ I thought I’d feel bad about it, so I’m strangely surprised at how calm I am about this. I hope I’m not in denial, but I think I’m really at peace with this.

So I guess what I’m thankful for today is towards myself for seeking the truth and facing it headstrong. I know I would have continued to be in limerence with this person if I did not face the truth of whatever is happening with her. Now I can fully move forward. I’m thankful that through this turn of events, I maybe earning a new friend or whatever. I’m ready to move forward.

Also, I’m so thankful to my new family! My lil bro is getting married, so that means our family is bigger. Thankful to the heavens that my younger brother is set for a happy life with someone, he has matured (somewhat) and I know there’s someone who has been loving and taking care of him from before and into the future.

GP: 6/30/2023

It’s the last day of PRIDE MONTH and I was looking forward to marching in Bacolod with the community, but alas, there’s a lot of work to do.

Anyway, I’m thankful for the progress we achieved at work. Though going through files in my tablets and communicating left and right to coordinate with people and build connections and make fucking things possible for a project, and overwhelming me in the process, well, that was productive.

Second, I’m eternally grateful to the members of the LGBTQIA+ that preceeded us in this period of time. Without their voices and courage to stand up for their rights, we would not be able to enjoy the privilege or marching to the beat of our own drums in this society. I’m grateful to the organizers and members of advocacy groups that continue to fight to push the SOGIE bill and other rights we need as members of this unique community. I’m very thankful that even though it took me a long time to realize and accept my sexual orientation, being here and proud of my identity as bisexual if fucking liberating. However, on my part, I want to focus on educating families and youth about SOGIE. I’m a teacher at heart after all.

Third, I’m so so thankful to have found a friend in Miggy. As part of the same school group, basically strangers when we found each other living in the same house and needing to work together almost 24/7, we had a rocky start. We still bicker here and there, but I found a kindred spirit with him having the same adult mindset and coming from a dysfunctional family, and understanding and respecting the kind of people we developed from those experience, I’m so happy he’s still here with me. House sharing is definitely not a walk in the park. Also, he’s gay so there’s already that kinship of walking in the same community, even though we’re both traversing this space with careful steps.

Let’s be (more) grateful

Starting today, I will attempt to write a daily writing of gratitude for the good things in my life.

I had always been a bit skeptic of self-help things, but given that I am more self-aware of my self-sabotaging tendencies and other behaviors–or trauma–that keep me stuck in a loop of cynicsm and possibly depression, I might as well try what these wellness gurus are pointing out to achieve inner peace.

I’ve tried using gratitude apps, but it feels forced. I think if I journal about it, I’d have more space for my mind to actually process what I’m grateful for.

I guess to begin this first post about this, well, I’m grateful that blogs exists! I’ve been journaling since I was very young and when the internet came along, my fast typing seed became beneficial for me to write about my thoughts and feelings in a space I can call my own. I’m not keen on audience because I have issues with being vulnerable, but really if someone is there reading this and somewhat gives me the time to go through my rumble and resonate with some parts of this word vomit–thank you fucking much. I appreciate you dear reader!

Survival Damage

One of the hardest part of moving to Negros last year was leaving behind my two cats that I considered my own children. I guess I had a first-hand experience of OFW parents who had to leave their children, huh? I swear it’s fucking painful. The night before my departure, I was teary and wishing they can come to me as easily as the clothes in my luggage. These days it’s better because I know my mom will always take care of them and give them the attention they want.

On the other hand, while missing my two cats in Manila, I projected that want to any cat I can interact here. In the beginning, the cats all seemd unfriendly, until there’s one, then two, three and now I can’t really keep count of the cats that come in and out of our house. I’m thankful that my housemates have not really complained about them since I started this whole fiasco when I decided to feed one of them. I’m actually thinking of adopting one of them and taking it to Manila after the Fellowship, so yeah let’s see where this catmomma side of me takes me.

Starting a few weeks ago, an old and battered cat began eating here and eventually found its way inside the house. It has a big wound and some scabs that will close and open every now and then. I really want to take him to the vet soon but the options here are so limited.

I eventually started calling this cat “Lolo” just because I feel he’s already geriatric. Lolo’s meow is raspy and he sometimes seem to wobble when walking. What I can infer from this cat is that it’s been a stray it’s whole life. The amount of battle wounds it have, how he hisses at everyone even when there’s enough food for him and the other cats tells me that he had to fend for food his whole life. When you’re in survival mode, you can’t go soft on anyone or you die. His tail is also crooked, but not in a in-born way, I can tell that someone might’ve accidentally ran over his tail a long time ago. Lolo is also not used to being touched or petted because you see a few seconds of his face loading to the sensation of a hand before his body actually welcomes it and the low purr begins. He’s been shitting and pissing in the house at times which I now realize is him marking a territory rather than simply having nowhere to go. He’s a stray, so he’d normally find a spot of soil to do his business. Cat’s are smart after all. Today I found him trying to sleep on the sofa the first time. Usually he’d sleep on mats, but today I saw him slowly set himself on a softer mattress, but unsure if he’s allowed to. I said, “It’s okay, Lolo. Sleep ka na diyan,” and yet he took up the smallest space possible.

When I try to imagine all the things he’s been through just to find his way here where he’s welcome to sleep on different areas with a roof on his head and wait for food to be served, I get so heartbroken. Imagine going through the years without attention and love, just trying to survive with food and not being killed by rivals. My cats surely are privileged if I think about it. I hope that in the short time I’m here in Negros, I can do something for this senior cat.

Sadly, the adoption rate of senior cats are much lower than kitten and adult cats, much more someone that may have various health conditions already. Nonetheless, I’ll try to do what I can, even with limited budget and get Lolo, as well as the other babies here a forever home.

Cats have provided me unconditional love and I’ve practiced that with them too. I’ve turned into a total cat mom over the years and it’s a change that I’ve welcomed with an open heart. ❤

WHEN HOME IS BECOMING A DESTINATION

It’s strange how I’m planning my schedule, the people I’m going to meet, the location and budget for my trip home to Makati in less than four weeks. I’ve listed down things that are important to be done (because if I miss these things, I feel like I would’ve failed my prideful, planner self) and things that are must try because what the heck, you need something new to talk about or post about, right?

When I got to that latter point, it suddenly hit me how this behavior was reminiscent of how I would plan my trips abroad. I’d pack my schedule as full as possible because there’s not enough time or opportunity to experience the place except at that time of planning. The odd thing here is that I’m going home, supposedly, and it’s not supposed to be like this at all.

Time at home should be relaxed, with a few peaks of socialization here and there. Well, at least that’s how it should be, right? Somehow, in this structuring of my time, it feels like I’m going on a vacation to a destination that is familiar, but not as much anymore. Negros is definitely a very different character and I feel comfortable here, but this is not home. I have good acquaintances and co-workers here, but no friends. I have a house, but I don’t own it. I have a room that somewhat gives me privacy and not entirely too. My family is not here, I don’t speak the same language much. Being in Negros is a good place to escape, but it’s not home. To be positive about it, maybe not yet.

If Negros is not my home yet and Makati feels like a destination for vacation than home now, am I displaced? Is this why I feel so confused and lost these days? Or are these thoughts simply feeding nostalgia? I don’t know. I don’t know anymore.

Life Lately (June 2023)

I accepted myself fully. Warts and all.  – V.L.

When this person told me this, I simply smiled. I smiled because I think when you hear something so positive like an achievement of sort, you’re supposed to feel good for them too, right? Even when you don’t actually understand what it means to you and for you.

Dating this person felt like a slap from the universe, telling me hey, this is what you need learn. They say that hearbreaks are a manifestation of what you want to learn. For a while, as usual, I thought she was the problem. And maybe there were some behaviors that was unpleasant, but then I should be able to manage myself when faced with that kind of challenged, right? Instead, I was triggered.

My anxiety was off the roof for some reason and I was so scared of being wronged. It felt like someone hit the emergency school bell and someone said there’s a fire, so the entire student body–like my very rich, very anxious brain–started stomping their way to the exit. FLIGHT FUUCKING MODE. GET AWAY, GET AWAY! DANGER! DANGER! Somehow, along the way, one part of me in that school could not even see any smoke anywhere, so I just wanted to find the dang bell and stop it from fucking ringing! There’s no fiiiire anyway!

So yeah, that’s my best attempt at visualizing how I was during that period. To cut the story short, it didn’t work out. Basically, it was my apparent abandonment issue being triggered and well, her side is her story. I felt like I was being left behind, my inner child was wounded, yada-yada… Yeah, it’s tiring. I mean, I’m 35 years old now and I just wish that I had known about this sooner, you know? These possible answers to why I feel stuck and tired all the time. I wished I’ve had relationships earlier so these sides of me would’ve come up sooner and I think I’d be healthier and happier by this time.

Nonetheless, there’s really nothing more I can do except…accept. Haha. Fucking hell it’s just really the most simple yet haaaardest thing to do sometimes. Accept that not everyone is out to hurt you, leave you, or use you. Accept that not everyone needs you or are ignoring you when they say they need space. Accept that when you’re turned down then it’s simply them making a choice for themselves which is okay and you can also make a choice for yourself. Detach, detach, detach. Attachment is suffering. What happend to my Budhhist lessons, I dunno, but I think I’ll pay my notebook a visit when I have the time, or actually visit the monastery when I come back in Manila.

For example, in our house in Victorias. Things have turned very sour. There were some words said, someone took it personally, work stress is off the roof as well, and now 2/6 people are not talking to me. Strangely, I don’t feel guilty about what I said because there’s really no intention for me to have someone feel bad, I was speaking in my place, really. If I was wrong, I was opened to be corrected, but I guess they don’t even have the capacity to do that. I said strangely because if this was me from before, I’d probably be skirting around trying to please them or something. Now I’m just learning to respect boundaries when people tell me they want space and that maybe this is me exhibiting my own anxiety to control the situation. Now I just, shrug. But of course, I’m not a robot, so I still feel sad about the loss of the friendship. But if the person don’t want you around, well, just know your worth and stay away. If they wan’t to, they will. I guess that’s a hard truth I had to swallo in a hard way. I never imagine losing friends in two years time. Somehow it feels like punishment, and a teaching moment at the same time.

Together, but apart. All spaces, more shadow than light. This is us now.

When I realized what was toxic about me, especially dating that person for a while, I told her that I wish in the future that I can also reach that point of accepting myself, warts and all. It’s not easy. To accept the ugly parts of yourself is going back to childhood and unlearning that your parents were not entirely the loving providers who always gave me love and attention, actually, me being hypervigilant, independent and “mature for my age” were symptoms of neglect as a child. I don’t think it was intentional abuse from my parents, but we had to manage the life we had and they were also operating the way they were raised by their own parents. I thought that being from a broken family will never affect me if I’m strong enough to face advercities or cry about it, but I guess they really do affect us in childhood. There’s no way for me to go back now and hug my wounded inner child, but I can do the work now. Yeah, that’s probably accepting all these hurtful labels I’m reading about my behavior and how toxic and manipulating it can be and how I’m actually a perfectionist and I don’t even know it.

Fucking hell. Life is hard these days.

It has been almost three weeks since we’ve been deployed as Fellows to Negros Occidental, some thousand miles away from my forever home, Makati. I’m lucky to be with some of my closest friends from training, but I’m also adjusting to the new dynamic of unfamiliar people for work and as people I will be sharing a house for two years. As a hermit, not that literal space for myself is proving to be quite a challenge.

I find myself missing my room, my mom, my privacy, my cats, my friends, and all the comfort that I have engulfed myself with over the years. I guess this is what you call being homesick? Today, I also found myself missing someone, especially that person I can simply send messages, updates, ask about their day when I’m sad, etc. I dunno, maybe this is hormones as well. Perhaps it’s too many days with too many people that I just can’t cry if I want, relieve myself if I want, and talk to my friends as noisily as I want.

But with all things I know this is temporary, so I’ll just own it as safetly as I can in my own little way. It’s not suppressing, I’m just not ready to share with others yet–other than my really good friends.

I feel that in my haste to keep myself together getting ready for deployment, I’ve suppressed more than I should. It’s always at the back of my mind to write so that I can decompress. I know that I can rely on my new friends to listen if only I let them help me as I communicate this need, but I’m also being gentle of myself if I cannot do it yet, despite all trainings we’ve had in human development. Growth is not linear, after all. Being here really tests what and if I really can continue growing from the progress I’ve started in SI.

I guess it’s also good to remind myself that being here is not just about me, in fact, being here is not about me: it’s about the mission I have for the education of young children. Can I change the world? Heck not. Will I be like this for the next weeks and months again even if I know which reason I simply have to continue believing in? Absolutely! What matters is that I keep my WHYs in mind and I am gentle with myself when I slip and forget that. It’s okay, Michelle. You’re human.

So I guess, it’s okay to say that some days are harder than the other. And we’ll leave it at that for now.

Y1: Day 3

It’s strange how I miss my now ex, Julia, a lot these days. At least, I remember her so often and in so many ways.

I didn’t realize that she has or I have integrated her so much into my system that anything can easily trigger a memory of her. It’s frustrating, sometimes, how the longing hurts more than the reason we’re not together.

I still sometimes wonder if I read the situation wrong all along, and if I was antagonizing her so much in my head, I was the toxic one all along. I think, that’s what hurts too.