Day 284: 10.16.2017

No work today due to nationwide transportation strike!

Well, hope something positive comes out of that shit. I’m not pro-removing the old jeeps because I believe they are icons of metropolitan Manila, but they just really have to make sure that the machines are still well-maintained. I mean, what matters is the performance right? I’m not even sure what the intention is behind changing jeepneys into new one. If it’s meant to reduce traffic, I don’t think that’s the most effective way. Discipline and respect is what’s lacking on the road. That creates the traffic. Yeah there’s also volume and bad traffic enforcement, but I think it all boils down to those two things.

Anyhow, Congratulations to my MayWard babies for winning in the Push Awards!

YASSSSSSSSSSSS!!!

Edward won as New Comer of the Year (I was most nervous about this!), MayWard as Tandem of the Year (didn’t expect this because we were up against big LTs), and MayWard fandom as Fandom of the Year (the volume of tweets everyday gave me no doubt we’ll bag this hahaha). WOHOOO!

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Day 283: 10.15.2017

As mentioned previously, I slept at 3:30 AM and meant to be awaken by my alarm around 9 AM to at least have five and half hours of sleep, oh but nooooooooooooooooooooooo! I woke up at seven freagin thirty in the morning!

AND IT’S A WEEKEND DAMN IT.

*sigh*

I mean, it’s fine since I need to go out of the house to interview someone, but what the hell.

Anyhow, the person I interviewed today was a friend’s friend. The interview was for my school homework. So what about it?

Well… I didn’t expect him to be…hot.
He was wearing glasses, long back hair, nice smile (gwapo, basically), nice and toned body, and most importantly, he’s smart. Very much so! I mean, I got that from the way he explained his thoughts.

He likes to read books too, but they are the genres I avoid, unfortunately. So, oh well.

I mean, every encounter is a chance encounter, right? Well, that encounter fizzed out pretty steadily to a thing of the past. LOL

Anyhow, at least I got what I needed. The want, errr, not so much. Hahahaha.

Day 281: 10.13.2017

It’s been a while since I last experience sleep paralysis. And since it’s been such a long while, even after almost 24 hours of the experience, I’m still pretty shaken by it.

Sleep paralysis is a strange phenomena when you’re seemingly trapped between your subconscious (dreaming) and consciousness (reality). The first time I’ve experienced it was about six or five years ago, and it was terrifying. I felt something heavy sitting on my stomach and I was gradually sinking on the bed. I was so scared that I couldn’t recite a prayer. A bit later I also felt a force pulling my arm and that’s when I just prayed, prayed that I survive the experience.

There were frequent experiences after that which made me hyper-aware, even in my dreaming state, of images in my dream that could signal a sleep paralysis. Seriously, it’s scary as hell, so I’ve somehow devised a way to avoid it.

For example, just like in horror movies, if a strange tall lady is a few meters from my spot and I can’t see here face, but I felt like I will be seeing it and it won’t be nice, I somehow developed a consciousness to force myself to wake up. Odd though that I’m able to stay in the dream despite arriving at a consciousness that I am dreaming. Usually, we exit our subconscious when we enter consciousness. Thus, I was thoroughly shaken when it happened again, last night.

So the dream was exactly that one I describe above, and I was able to wake myself up, only to wake up with a feeling that something is sitting on my stomach again. Unlike last time that had no form but weight, this “thing” had more form. It was like a bulky man, but the face was hidden in the dark. I remember the feeling of something holding my arms and wanting to squeeze me, but I was able to counter the force. I knew it was holding on to my arm, but I don’t remember the feeling of its palms on my skin; however, I remember feeling my palms on it’s skin which was very rough and hairy, like that of a scaly dog, as I grapple my way out of the situation with my hands and burying my nails to its skin. I have to say, it was a good fight, but I was really scared at that point. I remember screaming in horror, but no sound came out of me. I felt my mom sleeping soundly beside me, peacefully unaware of my terror in our darkened room. I’m not sure how I was able to escape the situation, but I faintly remember praying about something and forcing my eye to open to escape it.

You see, when you have sleep paralysis, you just feel that you’re awake because you see where your body fell asleep in, but seemingly physically paralyzed, but you’re still actually dreaming. Therefore, you have to force yourself to wake up. Do it as best as you could, be very brave and forceful. They say to jerk or kick when a nightmare is occurring to wake oneself up, but in sleep paralysis, your whole body is paralyzed in the dream. Thus the name, right? In my case, it’s my eye which helps me. It always feel like dumbbells are attached to my eyelids because they are so heavy and difficult to open, but I do feel my eye moving to open (physically in reality) and that’s my way out of a bad dream.

Haaaay.

Alright. I’m about to sleep now, but I’m seriously a bit terrified to do so in fear that it might happen again. However, I know that the more I avoid sleep, the higher the chances that could happen again because some readings claim that it is also caused by stress. Anyhow, I did have a very good nap a while ago and it was a pretty peaceful one. So hopefully, tonight will be the same.

Good dreams or no dreams at all, please!

Day 280: 10.12.2017

The best writers are the characters themselves.

Indeed.

I didn’t expect that piece of information. I am happy about it, for them, but I honestly cannot say the same for me, as someone who was happily living in fantasy, writing my own version of their stories for them.

Having this lead, there’s not much to read about anymore, probably. Oh well, let’s see. Maybe there’s actually more to it. 🙂

Day 279: 10.11.2017

In the Philippines, we use the term “sabaw” for actions or thoughts that defies routine and logic because it seems like the person totally lost the capability to think straight at some point. The image is akin to a brain, that probably shrunk in size inside the head and instead of being functional, it just floated around the skull in its own fluid.

I had many sabaw moments, but one of the latest was when I rode the jeep last week.

I always listen either to music or podcast when commuting, so my focus and natural sound is influenced to whatever I’m listening to. I think I was listening to a podcast that time, but probably since I was tired after a whole day of work, instead of saying “bayad” to the driver, I, for some very strange reason, changed the /d/ to /g/. Yep, bayaD became bayaG. Which, let me tell you was very embarrassing because “bayag” is the Filipino word for scrotum, or we commonly call balls. To add, you know when you’re listening to music or podcast and the volume is a bit high, you’re not really aware (or care) that your voice is a bit higher in volume too, than usual because you don’t hear it outside of the sound directly to your ear?

YEP. I just said it the word out loud. In a jeep with mostly men inside.

I wanted the ground to swallow me whole at the very moment, but I was able to keep a straight face and pretended, like a pro, that I was unaware of my slip.

DAYMMMM.

AHAHAHAHHAHAAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHA. I WAS DYING INSIDE BECAUSE I WANTED TO LAUGH TO HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARD!

And when I shared this to my friend, they call me a perv. PSSSH.
I swear. The sabaw angle of this story is actually not the word itself (not only), but the fact that the slip happened when I don’t have any influences of scrotum coming into my conscious or subconscious mind, EVER.
SERIOUSLY.

Haaaay. Sabaw moments are the best.

Day 278: 10.10.2017

In one of my favorite podcast Channels, “The Hidden Brain”, they featured about a couple who raised their children “gender neutral”.

Gender–male and female–is a social construct. Meaning, what we deem to be feminine and masculine, or what is for males and females (pink and dolls are for girls/females, blue and robots are for boys/males) is constructed by what society dictates as normal, based on culture and history. In this modern age of deconstructionism, various ideologies are challenging these notions. Gender, for many decades, had always been a subject of argument and debates.

Read more on that Hidden Brain episode content through this article: http://www.mamamia.com.au/gender-neutral-parenting/

This episode definitely made me think and look back about my own choices and preferences growing up, based on gender preferences.

When I was young, I loved playing with Barbie dolls and pretend kitchen play toys, either by myself or with my cousins. However, I also enjoyed playing with my older brother’s robot toys, and we definitely bonded over video games and wrestling. Aside from that, I honestly found my older brother’s fashion cool (when I was in primary school), and I wanted to emulate it, instead of simply finding it fashionable or handsome on him or other boys. At the same time, I was fine wearing dresses and blouses my parents bought for me, and for a time, I really liked pink and yellow. Eventually, my fashion became much more masculine, like my older brother and my elementary best friends (who were mostly boys, but I also had a lot of female friends), and for a time I thought I was lesbian because I started emulating the way a boy should be because I was wearing boys fashion! However, eventually, I realized, I wasn’t! I began wearing more gender neutral fashion with just pants and shirts that fit my body shape just right (everything was oversized for boys in the 90s), my favorite colors settled into green, orange, and red (to add, blue, up to this day). When I became more feminine in fashion, got more attracted to men, I also realized that I was also attracted to women. So at present, I identify myself as bisexual, I like gender neutral colors of green, orange, red, and blue, and I am most comfortable wearing just pants, shirt, sneakers, and a lipstick.

In the podcast, Isis, the 16-year-old girl who was raised gender-neutral by her parents, was asked if she would be able to identify herself honestly if the influence of her parents’ idealism about gender-neutrality be removed. She answered that her being is a combination of her dad, mom, and herself, all in one-thirds. This answer and question taps to the age old debate about the making of a person: nature or nurture?

The story of Isis can be easily regarded as a story or nurture, as there were incidences when Isis’ preferences fell on a feminine taste, her parents had to convince her to subscribe to a more gender-neutral design for a bike, for example. For an eight-year-old, it might have been traumatic to be rejected on the basis of one’s preference of colors and design, but as any eight-year-old have to, she needed to follow her parents. At 16, she said she understands better the point of her parents’ upbringing, however, in my opinion, she was at the mercy of her parents’ ideology growing up.

In my case, my story is a story of nature, as my parents had never influenced us with preferences. Sure, my parents bought me dresses and dolls because I’m a girl, but that’s because that’s what they know and that I also showed interest in them. When I played toys for boys like guns, walkie-talkies, video games, basketball, or wrestling, they never stopped me and questioned why I was “acting like a boy”. I believe that what mattered most to my parents was that I was happy and learning from my decisions. This freedom in preferences and decisions allowed us to pursue studies and jobs of our own choices which basically molded a great deal of my consciousness and beliefs at present.

I don’t completely understand the effects of being raised gender-neutral, I’d probably have to read more about it when I have the time, but I think I’m not very different from Isis. In a way, we decide for ourselves. I don’t identify colors or design as gender-neutral, but I have long made an effort to see the balance or neutrality in most things, as best as I could. This way, I’m also avoiding making a double-standard for both men and women, for myself and others.

Really, it all boils down to respecting others’ decision and choices. Accepting the fact that not everyone has the same opinion as ours, and that’s fine. We don’t ignore differences, we accept it. And then, my friends, we achieve peace.

Day 277: 10.09.2017

Since I don’t have anything better to do (I do, I have lots actually), I’m contemplating what could be another MayWard Freudian slip.

So, Maymay had an #AskMaymay day in Twitter wherein fans can ask her any questions then she can answer her chosen questions. Someone asked, “Date na di mo makakalimutan?” She answered: September 14, 2017. Of course, Flyers (MW Fans) were in SOCO-mode (investigative)and realized that it was the day that Maymay was asked by Edward–officially–to be his Star Magic Ball date in Magandang Buhay.

Of course too, there could have been more interesting things that transpired that day (Magandang Buhay was in the morning), but since this is the only lead we have (and it’s a favorable one too), the conclusion was finalized.

Moving forward several weeks after, MayWard was interviewed for McDo. They talked about what makes them kilig. Maymay mentioned again that at the top of her head, it’s the SMB proposal. Several times after that proposal, Maymay admittedly, giddily shared that it was a very memorable experience for her and that the gesture, the gift, and the feeling she got from Edward and his action (as well as intention) was a feeling she has never felt before, which makes it very, very special.

I believe this.

Based on Maymay’s reactions whenever she talked about that proposal, her kilig is undeniable. And Maymay is known for having the most authentic reactions out of experiences that some would rather downplay to conceal a feeling or from being judged OA (over reacting). And to be honest, we love her for that! Remember, Maymay is not used to grand gestures dedicated to her (which is why all these attention and Showbiz life keeps her still in a daze, as she said, most of the time), but she does dream it. And I believe beyond the kneel and the proposal for the ball, it was Edward’s thoughtfulness, the story behind that charm gift that moved her, that made her kilig the most. Moreover, based on her Instagram post about the charm which Edward gave, the caption was short and a bit cryptic.

Cryptic in the sense that she seems to be just thanking him and saying that it was a very special experience, but her not sharing beyond that is also sharing a lot. You get what I mean? That in-between those simple words speak volumes of unspoken feelings–whether of gratitude, love, disbelief, doubt, admiration, etc. Those unspoken feelings that need not exist in words, but it’s a special understanding between the two of them alone. As Maymay also said to the press, there are things between only her and Edward, and that they are not obliged to share it in Social Media.

Drop mic!

If there’s one thing I love about these kids, they keep their privacy a priority, too. So whatever they have, that’s theirs. Whatever they share, then we’ll take it.

Anyhow, going back to the September 14 answer. One Twitter user wondered why of all memorable dates Maymay can give (Grand Winner date, album launch, movie launch, etc), it’s that she decided to answer. There’s a lot of possible answers, but I’ll subscribe to the one that favors the point of this post the most, of course. Haha! It’s possible that she wanted to please the fans, but I believe it’s also likely that if she was answering as fast as she needed to (because there was an influx of questions and she had a time frame to keep), this date was on the top of her head, too. Meaning, her kilig is also on the top of her head right now. It’s the condition of her heart that waved out of that private space she made for her and Edward alone, at least this once.

So was it a Freudian slip? Maybe.
Well, it could be anything, but then, truth is relative.

As a fan, I’ll take it.

What makes this all the more amusing is the fact that at least I got to analyze Maymay’s heart after a long while. Where is her heart now that they are outside the house? With all the care and attention she is subjected to by the one and only Edward John Barber, is she still in doubt? Still insecure? Or is she making steps towards opening her door to a possibility now, and not later, in that undecided, blurred tomorrow fate can promise them?

Well, let me count the ways. Take it slow my babies. Slowly, but surely.

Day 276: 10.08.2017

I listed nine things to do for today, but so far, I haven’t ticked any of the checkboxes I included with it.

*sigh*

Since I wasn’t able to experience my all-at-home day yesterday, my mind and body connived to push it to Sunday which in reality is a work day for me in preparation for the following week.

Haaaay.
Ewan, self. Ewan.