Day 164: 06.17.17

Not a very productive day, but alas we have to find something good everyday so…three things:

🌈 Vanilla cupcake for brunch at tutor work since my baby is now 7 years old! Belated happy birthday, Sofia! 😘

 

My eyes and heart are happy with the colors of my gadgets and cables!

 

After a rather tiring afternoon trying to have siesta in a 34°C room, I suddenly wanted to have bangs. And…huwala! Pardon my face, but mind you, this is my space. (That rhymes!)

On auditory news, I will be listening to Oasis’ discography and I think I will love them even more now. Their “Don’t go away” had been stuck in my mind ever since my partner sang it randomly. In addition, I’ve finished listening to all Cabin Pressure episodes, again, for the nth time. 😚

Day 163: 6.16.17

To have someone understand your mind is a different kind of intimacy.

 

For a lot of people continuously chatting for two hours is normal. Two might even be the bare minimum of a daily normal chat, but not for me.
Well, until tonight.

I just chatted for two hours straight with someone! This is an achievement! For my introverted part, this is a milestone, mind you. This person is also from our group, but she’s one of the less active member. From the beginning, I’ve felt a strange connection with her, so just one random night, I messaged her and then we hit it off great! Of course we were usually fangirling, but lots of secrets had been spilled, so that makes me trust her even more. I’m glad I’m not alone with my thoughts. She’s just the more vocal one. Haha!

Since she’s honest (and can be brutally so), I asked her opinion about my writing. I don’t have a problem with narration, but if I want more of my target readers, I have to use less jargons since it can be too much. To be honest, I’m not even sure which jargon she was talking about! So with that, I’m not really sure what to do. And it was reassuring that someone appreciates me for not caring about what others think of my work. It was a good reminder of why I started writing again in the first place because honestly, I think I’m losing that reason against all these negativity.

I also congratulate myself for being brave enough to ask for criticism. I love writing so much that I’m ultra sensitive with it. Nonetheless, I needed that. Even if she gave me really negative feedback, that would’ve been immensely hopeful, too.

Anyway, I’m very glad to have found like-minded people in this new fandom and with this group. Of course, I try to interact with everyone in the group–I try–but of course there’s only one, two, or three people that we’ll connect to in a deeper level. I’m glad I’ve met them already. 🙂

Day 161: 6.14.17

Welcome back, kids!!!

It’s the first day of summer class and I’m the lead! Since my partner had always handled the younger ones, I’m officially in charge of decisions for this class since most of the kids will officially be in the higher level (4-6) next school year. It ain’t so bad actually since I can take this as test run for my actually 4s class this school year.

Anyhow, I had my expectations for this class. I thought that it would be as smooth sailing as our vertical summer class last year, but alas, every class has it’s own flavor.

Out of the 13 kids listed for us, more than half are the younger ones, so there was a lot of crying due to separation anxiety from not only one, but several kids.

However, the highlight of this day is probably my first experience with an almost furious father. An almost furious father whom, honestly, I thought was the kid’s driver. I don’t discriminate okay, it’s just that the kid does not resemble him in anyway. I thought he was just an overly protective uncle or, yeah, driver. Hahaha…

What happened was this.

He got angry because we were playing outdoors around 11 AM. He was concerned because of the heat of the sun which can cause skin cancer. A perfectly valid concern from a parent, but what irked me was that he talked down on my judgement as a teacher. That I did not understand his concern because I wasn’t a parent like him. Mind you, at this point, the information that he was the kid’s father had not occurred to me, so the more irritated I got because what the actual fuck?! Who was he to talk to me that way?!

Haha. Anyway, the mom talked to me about the same concern, but in a much calmer and rational way, so I was able to explain. I felt better after that.

Over lunch, I told my colleagues about it, and they were at least supportive of me. That made me feel much much better since I know it wasn’t just me being self-righteous, but my reasons were actually right.

Haaaay.

I guess this is going to be a bumpy ride after all.

Day 160: 6.13.17

You don’t always have to be at the top to be at your best. – Edward John Barber, 2017

Today, I cried.

I cried for reasons I wasn’t even aware I needed to cry about.

I thought, I was handling the pain strongly and bravely, and to be fair, I think I was, but even strong and brave people get battered and hurt, fall down and cry after a while.

I wasn’t aware that I was hurting that badly, and I was trying to mask the frustration by telling myself words that I needed to hear, but I guess, I wasn’t completely convinced by it.

Today, I faced the problem.

I admitted to myself, the ugly truth of the issue. That there is an issue, and I had an issue.

I cried in the darkness and isolation of the world, on my bed, in the safety and secrecy of my room. The walls had been witnessed to all my ups and downs, especially the battles I’ve had with myself that I chose not to share to anyone except for those walls.

I guess, that’s not a very good choice.

I know.

However, this is my limitation in terms of sharing myself. At least, I hope, only as of now.

I’m still waiting for the day that I wouldn’t have such a hard time allowing myself to deal with these demons with someone.

I know I have very good friends who would be willing to comfort me, and for that, I am very very grateful, but for now, I’ll just keep that in mind.

I can still manage. I can manage on my own.

If only I can admit, at least to myself, honestly, all the things that I feel bad about, and I don’t have to always comfort myself with words that I have to say to make myself feel strong and stable. Sometimes, I have to allow myself–hopefully more often–that there are times, that things are not alright.

And that’s alright.
Things will eventually be alright.

So, thank you very much, Edward for those words.

I have to remind myself, that I don’t always have to wish that I am at the top to feel good about myself, I just have to focus to do my best where I am. Whether people recognize that or not, if I am happy with it, then so be it. There would be people bigger than me, better than me, but that doesn’t mean that I am not good where I am now. If I really love what I’m doing, then someone will love me for what I’m doing, too. No matter how many or small those people are. Even if there is none, continue to be happy as you are, Michelle.

Rule of thumb: don’t get attached. But be kind. Always, and strive it, always be kind.

You’re alright.

Day 159: 6.12.17

Last time, I posted a video about being an Ambivert. Amongst all the videos and articles I’ve come across when I was trying to figure out my personality based on these labels, that was the most accurate.

However, of course I don’t think about my introversion, or extroversion, or in this case, my “ambiversion” (if there is such a term), but it was amusing how more strongly I connected with the label after I came to a conclusion of something this evening.

Alright.

In general, I’m a pleasant person to be around with. I can be a good storyteller, but I’ve always been more of a listener. However, whenever I’m around people I know (and usually talk to), I feel like I have to talk to them at all times. Like I’m obligated to entertain them, even if it’s really, really not needed.

Back in my old work as an Enrichment teacher, I have to listen to music with earphones whenever I’m writing a report for two reasons: one, for focus, and two, because not focusing on the music will make me talk to my co-teachers if I get distracted.

And I get distracted easily.

Now, I guess it’s the same with belonging to a group chat? I was introduced to MES in a group chat in Twitter, so that became our breathing ground for serious and often non-serious talks. I’m not an avid user of chats (even FB, Viber, or Line) because even when the conversation is great, I get sidetracked easily with so many things on the internet! Moreover, I just really prefer personal conversations over the virtual version. I used online chat platforms for necessity, rather than for everyday talk.

But since I’m part of a group that shares a common strong interest now (MayWard), I like fangirling with them or just chat and joke around. It’s been almost two months being part of that group, so checking in on the GCs had become part of my daily routine, that I felt, gradually, that I felt obliged to talk to them, even when I couldn’t catch up with the jokes or no one really pays attention so much. Of course, it’s my choice in the end to enter or not, and there had been days I wouldn’t or mute notifications because I wanted to concentrate on other things. The act was equivalent to using earphones while doing a report.

Since yesterday night, I felt uneasy. Like, I wanted to cry because the notifications for the chat was glaring at me. I was so torn between chatting or just leaving it be. I like both choices, to be honest, what bothered me was my reaction.

Why do I feel so tired after talking to people and get high with it, as well?

Then I remember the word: Ambivert.

I guess it’s 70-30% introverted-extroverted, so my introversion was kicking in big time. Being with too many people on a daily basis and taking in their words and opinions and other things was becoming overwhelming for me.

In real life, I can meet with a few really good friends over food or coffee, and be fine not meeting them again for years. I connect with people because of circumstance (like work or school), but I rarely reach out to people to hang out. I’m not a snob, and I don’t have a difficulty connecting with others, it’s just that I get attached and clingy to only a few people. They are the ones I reach out to on my own like my mom and a few of my best friends.

So today, I focused on work for around five to six hours, and I felt great because not only was it quiet (not my thoughts though), but I was work-productive! It became sort of a recharge, so when I went online and there were people online too, I was ready to interact.

When I realized the shift of mood and how it connected to being an ambivert, I was left shaking my head and laughing with it.

 

Day 158: 06.11.17

There’s a thing in Twitter now that would have you post one random fact about yourself for every like that you get. I really wanted to do it, but since I’m not a popular user, I don’t think anyone will bother to click like and that will be very embarrassing!

So, I’m just gonna try it here. I’ll post 29 random facts about me since I’m now 29 years old!

1. I love marshmallows. I can eat this as dessert for a week before I take a semi-hiatus from loving it.

2. I love tea more than coffee, but I need to have one cup of coffee in the morning during work days or else I cannot function properly, or I get really cranky.

3. I love listening to music in different languages. It’s one of the best ways that I’ve validated the power of music because you get all emotional without needing to understand words, the melody, rhythm, beat speaks by themselves and it can move you by themselves.

4. I’ve been writing journal entries since I was around nine years old or younger, can’t remember. I used to have a very hard time expressing emotions, so whenever I felt sad or angry, I would write it down instead of sharing it to friends and family.

5. When I was in sixth grade, I used to not speak for a whole day in random days of the week. It was both challenging and strangely thrilling.

6. I like the smell of perfume, but I only wear cologne.

7. I don’t like using deodorant or antiperspirant products because it darkens my undersarm. Good thing I’ve never had BO. The sweat is quite a problem, though.

8. I was a feature writer during high school.

9. I eventually became the managing editor of the school gazette in high school. I was expecting to be the editor-in-chief because the members kept on saying it, so I started expecting as well. I was quite disappointed when I didn’t get the position, though that faded quickly because our head was more fit to the position.

10. I used to write dark poetry in highschool and during my first years in college.

11. I love psychology. I was thinking of changing courses, but I got lazy and I was also starting to love my course. I do plan to still study it in the future!

12. Sense of humor is always a turn on for me.

13. I love guys who smell good, like they just stepped out of shower.

14. I love listening to podcasts especially during commutes. My main stations are The Morning Rush, The Hidden Brain, Freakonomics, Invisibilia, and Modern Love.

15. I’m a Cumberbitch! I love Benedict’s voice most so I listened to almost all radio drama I can get of him. “Cabin Pressure” is my favorite.

16. Apparently, I have struggle with brevity in writing. Haha! If you’ve reached this far, I’m sure you’ve noticed that already. See? I’m not writing the next number yet. I should? Okay.

17. I love handwritten letters and postcards. I used to be active in exchanging postcards with random people from various countries.

18. I once got lost to a really far, unfamiliar city, but because of the kindness and help of others, I was able to go home with only 10 pesos left in my wallet.

19. My attitude towards a person depends on their attitude towards me. I adjust to their mood.

20. I’m an ambivert.

21. I’m probably bisexual, although I’m more easily attracted to guys.

22. I love the words WAXING and WANING. Yes, like the phases of the moon.

23. I prefer venturing caves than swimming in the ocean.

24. I’ve liked the color orange since high school, but I don’t ever wear a shirt with that color.

25. I don’t wear shoes with heels.

26. I buy colored markers even if I don’t use all of them often.

27. I have a planner every year even if I forget to use it most of the time.

28. I have various kinds of camera: Sonny Cybershot point-and-shoot digicam, Holga, Instax 7s, Kodak point-and-shoot film camera, and an old Nikon SLR. I don’t use them as much as before.

29. I like going to galleries and exhibits, but I abstract painting will forever remain abstracts for me. Haha.

 

PHEW! This is actually quite hard!

Oh well, so that’s me. 🙂

Day 157: 06.10.17

It’s TEASER DAY for our MES comm in Twitter!

By Teaser Day I mean we put up posters/teasers on our account to promote to the fandom. It usually gets a very big response, but since this is the second project, I think there’s more who recognize us now. Even one of the biggest MayWard account promoted us, so…pressure?

I wasn’t that pressured actually, until I saw my co-writers’ works.

WOW.

I don’t think mine is that bad, but in comparison, mine seems half-assed and plain. To think I finished earlier than most of us.

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It took me less than 20 minutes to finish this. And yes, if you’re frowning at that now, it took me 20 minutes to finish this. Apologies.

The title of the story is “Gitling” (Hyphen). For once I had no idea what title I can give this work. I was happy with the overall flow of story (if there’s actually one), but the muse couldn’t give me a decent title, so I just used the Filipino translation of “hyphen” since that was one of my technical concerns for the Filipino words I used.

If any would bother, I think I can cook up an explanation to this title that relates to the characters anyway. Haha!

On the other hand, I think I am lacking in some elements for this challenge. Since we’re supposed to use stock characters (painter, vendor, photographer, soldier, etc.), their personality with their label should be apparent, right? Well, I got carried away with a dreamy balut vendor who studies comparative literature. LOL. I lacked description of a balut vendor’s iconic basket with suka and kropek on the side. Strange because I’m pretty sure I won’t forget these details if I wrote in English.

Oh well. Napasa ko na eh.

Again, trying my very best not to be sensitive to how people will judge my work in comparison to others. I’ll just keep in mind (and heart) how I had such fun writing that piece. ✌️

 

Day 156: 06.09.17

Since doing that budget challenge last year, I promised to abide by the between being right and being kind, always chose kind saying as much as I could to show compassion to others, especially strangers because it is the hardest to be kind to people you don’t trust.

However, this belief was tested in an encounter this afternoon on my way home from tutor.

So there’s a long cue to the jeep going home. I’ve been there for probably only less than 30 minutes, but since waiting is a dread, ennui ensues. I was switching between chatting, listening to podcast, and music, so I was sure I was bored and frustrated I was bored. It was the perfect time to leave my Kindle at home because I thought I would be able to go home early.

I should’ve taken the MRT. pshhh.

Anyway.

So the line was moving, albeit reaaaly slow because traffic after a rain is automatic in the Philippines, so when it moved, suddenly, this old man whom I’ve seen standing by the wall waiting for the line to move, stood in front of me on the line.

Of course I was shocked and surprised! I know about line cutters of course, but you never expect to be the victim until it’s in front of you. So I told him that I was there first, but he insisted that he was just standing by the wall, but he was really in that line. I knew he was waiting for it to move and thought that he had his spot somewhere, but NO. HE CHOSE TO STEP IN FRONT OF MY FREAGIN LINE! He was even making me the stupid one by saying:

“Kanina pa ako dito. Di mo ba ako nakitang nakatayo doon? Dito ako.” (I’ve been here for a while. Didn’t you see me standing there? This is my spot.”)

I was seriously having an internal debate with my principles. I wanted to be kind and give him the spot, since I can see that he looks forlorn waiting for the line to move, but at the same time, I wanted to stay in the side of right because it was unfair, not only for me, but for everyone.

Everyone was bored out of their wits, there was even a girl who was obviously sick and seem to just want to go home, but she didn’t cut in front just to get to bed earlier than everyone.

I’m sorry to disappoint thought, that despite knowing what’s right, I chose to be kind. Though I chose what I thought was ironically right–to be kind–I felt defeated.

I could only sneer at him, and hoped very much that he felt as guilty for cheating everyone, as I felt cheating what’s in my heart.

This is one very good slap of reality why the Philippines is still in poor after so many years: we lack discipline.

Day 155: 06.08.17

After more than two weeks, went back to tutor sideline. I need the money, but damn I’m soooooooo lazy.

Anyhow, at least I know now what my next target is for her.

Finished the draft for my MES oneshot this morning, so yay! I first thought it was MEH, but when I read it through, it’s actually fine.

I felt my first OS was boring, but when I read it again, it’s one of the best I’ve written for MayWard actually. I guess that impression was brought about by the constant stress and re-reading I had to do to complete it in several days.

Though this second OS took me more than 11 hours to finish, the stress was compressed in one day only. Moreover, I started having fun when I noticed the story and characters were just taking me to places. One idea bloomed into so many turns and the end was satisfactory, at least for me. Dialogues is not a strength of mine when it comes to writing, but this one had plenty of it! I can go on and on with a character reflecting and not speaking anything, but this one, they just talked and talked until morning. 😀

I just have to finalize and send it later.

Now onto more pressing and important life matters, summer class starts next week!