Day 019 – 2018.19.01

Recently, I’ve been busy interacting with strangers through a PenPal app. So far I’ve talked to different people from different countries about various topics.

On the other hand, I’m sharing thoughts with this really interesting Pinoy. He kind of sounds like those Pinoy writers I read, and his ideas kind of sync with mine. 🙂 Also, started corresponding with this Russian guy (again) and I like how he sound so far. 🙂 I’m learning about Estonia and Cyprus from two female chatmates too!

YAY!

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Day 018 – 2018.18.01

I did cry.

It’s so weird to pick up my dad around the airport and not have him wait for us with his many bags and boxes he worked so hard to fill for everyone’s satisfaction. He would usually beam up despite the exhaustion of a long flight, hug us very tight because he missed us so very very much. And he was happy at the moment, especially because he was so so lonely there.

Instead, it was painful for us to pick him up inside a big box with him lying inside a casket. He worked hard his whole life, but he never wanted to end up inside those big boxes like that.

Nonetheless, as we always say: Welcome home, Daddy.

Day 017 – 2018.17.01

We’re trying to be positive with that money problem, thinking there just might be a glitch somewhere in this whole program of our lives at the moment. We’re troubleshooting, and hope some steps in the wizard can suggest us a good option for the problem if not the solution.

Tomorrow, Dad comes home.

I’m not very excited to see him, but I want him to be finally home.

I’m sure I’m going to cry. I want to cry.

And I’m still sorry. Still so so sorry.

Day 016 – 2018.16.01

I think cold water was suddenly splashed on me when I read my brother’s message this afternoon.

Basically, it’s a problem about money. Something that I’ve always stressed about.

I mean, I’m middle class and it’s not like we don’t always have money. But it’s this continuous struggle of emotions between the abundance and the lack of it that keeps me frustrated. Of course, I sound kind of insensitive to the poor who probably would love to switch places with me if having money is my problem, but of course it’s not that simple. It’s like being given cotton candy and getting used to it, then have it snatched from you. Then they give it again, then snatch again, then give, then snatch.

It’s emotionally scarring. (err, lol)

Anyhow, I think we’ll be in debt for the next three years, so this might be the true push I need to pursue that abroad plans. Not for experience only this time, it’s for my family.

(How MMK!)

Day 014 – 2018.14.01

Somehow I’m starting to think twice on this online search for a potential date thing.

I mean, I think I have my expectations of this method backwards and I’m not even giving an effort to learn it through.

For example, I easily favorite the handsome guys, especially if their profile writing sounds okay or interesting the least. The website always encourages for me to message them, but I rarely do because I either feel they won’t be interested or because I can’t really commit a time for chatting. I’ve always been a boring chat partner and I’ve come to a conclusion that I’m more of an email/coffee partner more than anything, so why am I submitting my chances at a date from a place that bids me to do something I’m not very comfortable with?

Risk. Yeah, I get it, and I’m somehow making some, but chatting seriously zaps the energy out of me. The real-timeness of the conversation with the option to leave (easily) is kind of stressing me out.

I still have the Russian guy to talk to and I’ve started chatting with a girl with whom I can probably pull out of the app to a different chat platform so deleting the app wouldn’t be a waste after all.

But well, I’ll give it a month. Something might come out of it.

Day 013 – 2018.13.01

What a fun time with co-teachers today!

Went to Sinagtala Farm and Resort in Bataan for our school building. Our supervisor said it was actually my moody boss’ idea, and it’s nothing short of odd and amazing at the same time. Nonetheless, of course, we all are very thankful. 🙂

Tried some new things like riding a bicycle suspended on air (sky cycle), ziplining and sky swing (a massive swing). They’re all pretty scary in the beginning, but they’re all really fun. During the zipline, I felt really close to the sky so I screamed “I love you Daddy, and I’m sorry for everything” then I started crying a bit. It’s kind of scary because I think I’ve been suppressing a lot of feeling regarding daddy’s death, and I’m not sure how to deal with it properly, so they just come out in episodes like this.

Anyhow, the sky and weather was amazing today, so I can’t help but take pictures, of course.

 

Haaaay. Sky shots will always save me.

Day 012 – 2018.12.01

Happy Friday!!!

Should it be? Well yeah I guess it should be. It’s the end of the work week, tomorrow we have a staff trip to Bataan (yey!), and I’m chatting with a guy (uyyy).

Also, we already received news that Dad’s body will be coming home next week, so I guess that’s considered good news too. I can finally sleep better knowing that Dad’s delivered properly, finally.

These days, I’m having trouble sleeping. I haven’t started my tutorials yet so I have plenty of time to nap in the afternoon after work, but I just find it hard to find slumber fast. I end up reaching for my phone or reading a story when this happens. I always have a lot on my mind, but the matter of Daddy’s death is always at the back of it. I think it’s causing my insomnia.

Coincidentally, the fic I’m reading now has Isak with insomnia too because he’s been stressed about his mom, who has schizophrenia. Although she’s more stable then, his mind is constantly relegating to that thought, plus stress from uni, so he finds it really hard to sleep.

My insomnia is the other type, thank gosh, so I can still sleep around 12 or earlier.

Anyway, speaking of sleep, I think I’d have to do that now while I’m still feeling the buzz of sleepiness.

Day 011 – 2018.11.01

Recently, I’ve started reconnecting to people online. Aside from that sudden message from the Russian guy, I made a profile on a dating website? One of my goals for this year is to try going on a date, after all. See if that works out or not.

Well, there’s been some interesting and attractive people who made themselves available online, but I haven’t had the guts to message them. I could, but I just cannot commit myself to chatting everyday. That’s so tiring! Ahahahah! Unless the other person gets my drift and my moods or they are heck nice, then maybe that will be a different story.

So far, there’s been some guys (and girls) messaging. I always thank them for the interest (they think I’m cute ROFL). Anyhow, I need to invest myself more on this.

Maybe.

Day 010 – 2018.10.01

Sa Pilipinas, may karaniwan ng karatula ang mga drayber na barya lang po sa umaga na maiintindihan mo naman ang dahilan dahil may ibang kababyahe palang at hindi naman nila alam san sila kukuha ng panukli sa isang daan agad-agad. Madalas naman, naalala ito ng mga tao, kaya kung jeep naman ang sasakyan mo, kadalasan sa suking pasahero, nakahanda na ang baryang pangbayad.

Ang kagandahan naman sa mga jeepney drayber, kung sakaling nagabayad ka ng buo, hahanap sila ng paraan (magpapapalit sa mga nagtitinda o kabilang jeep na kaibigan) para masuklian ka.

Ang hindi ko batid, iba pala ang siste ng FX. O ng partikular na FX lang na ito.

Ngayong umaga papasok, nagbayad ako ng 50 pesos sa drayber ng FX na sinakyan ko. Tapos ang sabi nya, wala siyang panukli. Ibinalik niya sa akin ang bayad ko. Siyempre, natulala ako. Kasi, wala talaga akong sapat na barya pamasahe! Hindi naman na ganoon kaaga para mawalan siya ng panukli, pero waley. Tinignan ko siya sa rearview mirror at nakatingin din siya sakin. Mga dalawang minuto ang lumipas at napaisip ako ng maagi sa mensahe niya. Pinapababa niya ba ako?

Mukhang iyon na nga ang pahiwatig.

Kaya ang sabi ko: “Manong, wala talaga akong barya. Ano bababa ako?” Hindi siya sumagot pero masama ang tingin niya sa akin sa salamin. “Bababa ako?”

Tapos iginilid niya yung FX, tahimik na pagsabing: OO BUMABA KA NA.

Kaya bumaba na ako.

Pero imbis na magalit, natawa nalang ako. Sa sobrang labo nung nangyari, natawa nalang ako. Hindi makapaniwala sa nangyari, kaya natawa nalang ako.

Pero nakakagigil lang na buti pa pala ang mga jeepney driver, na kahit mas maliit ang kinikita sa araw-araw at siya pang mga nabibilad sa init kasi bukas ang sasakyan at polusyon lang ang nakakapit sa balat nila imbis na aircon, ay sila pa yung may kusa na magmagandang loob sa pasahero.

Siyempre, hindi ko nilalahat lahat ng jeepney at FX driver na ganito, pero kakaiba lang talaga. Sobra.